#8806344, By caesar_ NaNoWriMo 2011

  • caesar_ 21 Jun 2012 21:36:32 75 posts
    Seen 9 months ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    TechnoHippy wrote:

    I've taken a quick read through the opening posts and here's a few comments.


    So you start with a lengthy paragraph about a John Woo film (maybe split this into two paragraphs?), it's an easy read, although keep an eye on your tenses (I have the same trouble). Then in the second paragraph there's a sudden switch.

    To be honest I don't think I got what you are trying to say. The switch just seems confusing.


    I think I would happily punch Jo in the face :-)

    Again I found it a bit confusing. Is there a story here? Something wider that we're not seeing?


    An odd bit of prose, but I enjoyed the mystery of it.

    Soylent Green

    The opening line appears to have confused tenses.

    As with the previous pieces the writing is pretty good, it needs a clean up pass to smooth it out, but I did enjoy reading it.

    My main issue (and my apologies if I seem overly critical) is that I don't really know what's going on. I guess its early days yet, so hopefully the mysteries will be revealed :-)
    Thank you, I enjoy the comments. Yeah tenses are a problem when I switch between the narration and the thoughts of the character. I'll try and make it more clear in the future.

    Yeah, the characters are pretty idiotic. I suppose the idea is that they sort of think they're profound and philosophical but they aren't. Hopefully the irony creates some humour.

    It is all part of a wider arc, right now it's kind of hard as it is early days but I want to make the world tangible enough so each post can work comfortably as a self-contained unit or as part of the big picture. Did you read the about page? That's kind of all the info I want to give right now. As long as you're interested I don't mind criticism!

    Thanks for the compliment on the writing, these pieces are all like 2nd drafts so yeah they can do with some cleaning up.
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