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@RichieTenenbaum Like me, you suffer from a touch of redunancy, dropped words and stupid typos in first draft. I'm glad for the company =) Don't worry about them at all until revision, no point grammar-polishing scenes that might end up cut or heavily revised anyway. Rizo: Here you reference the enlightenemnt, which makes the emphasis on the church and the use of it later in reference to Christ and his disciples a bit odd, since it also led to a fair amount of anti-religosity - but perhaps that was a later devlopment than this period? The use of 'fucking' kind of threw me. No idea if it's period-appropriate for venice. Your power of description to make a reader *feel* the place the characters are in remain very strong. The saltwater seeping into his trousers on the boat, the slippery rocks, very nice - conveyed wet and cold better than saying 'wet and cold'. The visuals are also nicely done. Remember the smells and how they can be tasted once in a while as well. Interesting encounter promising intruiging developments. Marcantonio is a very menacing figure by the end - shame about Rizo, was starting to like him. Helena: My only real niggle here is that her emotions yo yo wildly in an incredibly short span of time and I suspect you wrote it a lot slower than it reads. I like the descriptions again - particularly the one about the shadows dancing. |
#11631640, By MetalDog National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo) 2016
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MetalDog 24,076 posts
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