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@The12thMonkey Observations Seems like a kid is referring to himself as a child in the opening paragraph, which many kids won't do... are they kids? They act a bit touchy-feely for brother and sister. Maybe I'm just repressed. It's easy to confuse people with omnipotent viewpoint, but you make the switches clear and you pull them off early and frequently to establish that's the way it's going to be before easing back into a more sedate back and forth - I'm never wild about omnipotent, but this is nicely done. The only bit that threw me and I had to re-read, was when the bank(?) crumbled under their feet. I think that could do with a dab more clarifying. After the fall, they're talking like older children - no tears despite what seem like painful injuries, guessing mid teens at this point. Maybe older. Maybe just posher - posh kids seem to adult faster. Ah, right into a nice mystery. I wonder where and when it's sent them. Glad you got right on with it without much preamble and you've got me proper curious about how it's going to turn out for them. The glass elevator inevitably put me in mind of Willy Wonka, but this place seems more... pitcher-plant like. I don't feel like they're in for a happy fun time, it seems the place lured, watched and tempted them deliberately. Which on reflection does bear some resemblance to Willy Wonka's MO... at least the Gene Wilder version. @boo I'm not familiar with Spider, but Nick is indeed a bit of a dick. Yes, that was a typo! Glad you liked the intro. Beginnings are always tough. Looking on, I see you haven't posted fresh stuff yet. I have sharpened my poking stick for you and Sunjumper and my arm is getting itchy =D @Carbon_Altered Yup, Polymol are the company that ran 'Eden', the rival station to 4L's Onset station in the whole haunted Mars debacle a few years back. Always nice to get a yay =D You not writing, though? @Skirlasvoud If it has you that lost, it may just be a completely incompatible style thing. My preference is always to try to demonstrate tech/fantasy rather than explain it, since explanations tend to send me to sleep =D Maybe I'm just too far in that direction this time. I'll wait and see what Sunjumper has to say, since he's been the most vocal critic of my reticence in the past, without it actively losing him, but it's always useful to hear from others who feel the same - tie goes to the writer, but it ain't always a tie =D @Metalfish I always picture you as dobby when you go on one of your self-flagellation sprees  Save your people from the abyss of not-writing, you know they're worth it.Edited by MetalDog at 20:51:54 03-11-2016 |
#11631983, By MetalDog National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo) 2016
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MetalDog 24,076 posts
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