#12328906, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018

  • sunjumper 1 Nov 2018 15:30:47 3,490 posts
    Seen 14 minutes ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    FogHeart wrote:
    @sunjumper Oh, alright, you can have it early.

    https://fogheartnanowrimo.blogspot.co.uk/
    And to start at least the feedback part, thanks to FogHeart who sent a chapter out of limbo:

    Phoebe
    The first paragraph describing the dolphins is good and to the point, however I think it would benefit from the somewhat more indirect style you have been using before. You are telling us outright that their behaviour is not only threatening but also out of the ordinary, you might want to rather show what effect that has on the observer through whose eyes we are seeing the scene or by working it into the description of the animals. You have been very good at building tension just by your use of words, this part would profit greatly from your skill.

    e.g.:
    “‘Everyone OK, Meredith?’
    ‘They’re not paying us any attention, Matt. They’re just off on their own. To be honest I’ll be happy if they stay that way.’“ This is a perfect example. Shown through the eyes of the characters it becomes clear that these dolphins are a source of danger. And by keeping the comments low key it builds up tension. I like that a lot.

    “They’ve been interested in Phoebe ever since they saw it.” ‘it’? Most ships are generally called she or he by their crews. Is this on purpose?

    “This depth is colloquially known as the ‘Twilight Zone’, due to to quality of the ambient light. Water acts as a weak red filter, such that the deeper you go, the bluer everything appears. After forty metres nothing shows up as red unless some other light source is trained upon it. Tropical fish and corals that would be dazzling orange or yellow or red at the surface become dowdy greenish or brown. At four hundred metres the only light remaining from the surface is an eerie indigo. I was losing sight of the dolphins, so I turned on the floodlights.” This is a great paragraph. I mentioned this in the last thread; this is a great mixture of facts and exposition which do a great deal to reinforce the atmosphere. It works well as the person telling the story is a scientist, thus you get a glimpse into the characters psychology at the same time you describe in a few short lines how everything becomes darker and even the colours shift towards the sinister. Mixed with the information that the evil dolphins are diving to deep you keep building on the feeling of foreboding that is so present through everything you have written so far.

    The descent is great. The descriptions after the midnight zone are all spot on and my what a cliff hanger to end the chapter to.
    I’m sorry not to have read it earlier not only is it really well written but also would have been perfect as a story leading to Halloween.

    Great stuff, I am looking forward to more and I do recommend everyone else to read the story too.
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