#12333384, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018

  • sunjumper 9 Nov 2018 17:32:43 3,490 posts
    Seen 42 minutes ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    BearFishPie wrote:
    Right so, Ive attempted to resurrect my shonky Wordpress page. Ive stuck Chapter 1 of the current book onto the following page (sorry, no idea how to embed links via mobile):

    http://tomsheenwrites.wordpress.com/ya-book-two

    Edit: evidently web links just plain work by themselves. Hooray, Ive learned something!
    Let's have a look then.

    Chapter 1

    You set up the atmosphere nicely. I can feel the weather and imagine the light in London as the story unfolds and Im quickly drawn into the personal world of Andy. While I think he is a bit on the egotistical side, he seems very human.

    Andy stooped to pick up a lump of gravel. He turned it over in his palm, then hurled it with a yell out into the Thames. It made a pathetic little splash. He wished he could follow it to the sediment below. This is just a great description.

    And suddenly the teem romance takes a turn for the supernatural. But as this seems to be book 2 that makes sense.
    Fog man? I like that.

    There are some bits where you could tighten the style a bit during revision, like for example: He stood rigid, as a cold knife of shock ran through him. which is a pretty good description but would flow better as: He stood rigid as a feeling of shock ran him through like a cold knife. But these are considerations for the revision phase. I like how you quickly build a feeling of danger and urgency and how you manage to present a situation with just a few short effective sentences.

    The way the power works become clearer. Andys use is not what I would call clever but it makes perfect sense given his age and the situation. Im also intrigued by the danger that is connected to the use of it. Just as I was wondering how often he could use the power you answered the question.

    And I like the resolution of the chapter.

    Nice work. I know what the story is about more or less. I know the main character and what kind of person he is and have now a feel for the world.
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