BearFishPie wrote:Let's have a look then.
You set up the atmosphere nicely. I can feel the weather and imagine the light in London as the story unfolds and I’m quickly drawn into the personal world of Andy. While I think he is a bit on the egotistical side, he seems very human.
“Andy stooped to pick up a lump of gravel. He turned it over in his palm, then hurled it with a yell out into the Thames. It made a pathetic little splash. He wished he could follow it to the sediment below.” This is just a great description.
And suddenly the teem romance takes a turn for the supernatural. But as this seems to be ‘book 2’ that makes sense.
Fog man? I like that.
There are some bits where you could tighten the style a bit during revision, like for example: “He stood rigid, as a cold knife of shock ran through him.” which is a pretty good description but would flow better as: “He stood rigid as a feeling of shock ran him through like a cold knife.” But these are considerations for the revision phase. I like how you quickly build a feeling of danger and urgency and how you manage to present a situation with just a few short effective sentences.
The way the power works become clearer. Andy’s use is not what I would call clever but it makes perfect sense given his age and the situation. I’m also intrigued by the danger that is connected to the use of it. Just as I was wondering how often he could use the power you answered the question.
And I like the resolution of the chapter.
Nice work. I know what the story is about more or less. I know the main character and what kind of person he is and have now a feel for the world.
#12333384, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018
sunjumper 3,490 posts
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