#12337325, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018

  • sunjumper 16 Nov 2018 00:51:58 3,490 posts
    Seen 4 minutes ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    @FogHeart
    It's great to see you return, I was wondering what was happening underwater, beyond the darkness. You've kept us waiting!

    Simon
    I see what you mean about showing your hand. Nicely done, however I would suggest to have Simon be a little bit less well informed. For someone who just saw madness even if it is paraphrased what he said everything makes a bit too much sense especially if youthe reader knows what he’s talking about. What exactly could he see with the torch and how much information could he get out of that. I think you can make this more effective especially as you are much better in building dread that H.P. himself. It’s a bit of a strange twist that I smiled in recognition when I read that part. The fan in me feels very happy, yet you might want to give your readers what they need instead of what they want.

    Nonetheless: “We...we must not bring the World to him!” is a very nice sentence.

    Oh, the loss of time was a really nice touch.

    This: “Usually breaking surface at night is a wonderful experience: to come from the beautiful underwater world, to see the sky awash with stars like faint foam. This time there were no stars.”, is pure gold.

    Short but sweet.
    I believe it would be even stronger if you had Simon flip out and mostly have him try to describe something that can’t be described. You are very good at building this feeling of terror, have him reduced a hysterics and failing at saying why what he saw was so very wrong would help you further. He will come over as paranoid in the beginning which will work to your advantage in two ways. People who do not know what you are up to will find him annoying and will sympathise with the people on board who feel the same and think it would be best to sedate him. For those readers that know in what direction this story is going he is going to be the Casandra who will try to warn everyone of the impending doom, but no one will listen to him, thus reinforcing the feeling of cosmic irony. Win win really.

    All in all I give the story sofar a tekeli-li/10




    @BearFishPie
    Don't worry to much about the word count. I've been writing almost daily and I'm still lagging about 5k behind. But the important thing is that you are writing and getting things done.
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