#12339984, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018

  • sunjumper 20 Nov 2018 14:35:59 3,490 posts
    Seen 4 hours ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    FogHeart wrote:
    OK, written up some more. The story is shifting through the gears now.

    Quiet, loud

    The situation is escalating nicely. I like that there is a bad event happening on the surface mirroring and probably parallel to the one that happened when Phoebe went beyond the seal.
    I think the beginning of this chapter can be expanded a bit in revision as the reaction of everyone, while perfectly understandable, need a bit more time to gestate to have more impact.
    Another little nit-pick is the doctor saying that Simonís situation is beyond his skill as a physician and then listing a long list of actual, treatable symptoms that are perfectly in his ball-park. Just by turning this around and having him list all the things he does know and understand and then at the end stating that he has no idea what the cause for such a rapid decline in Simonís health is would be more effective.

    I like the way Simon reacted to the engine starting. Adds tension and the crew stays where it should not be for a little longer. While I still think that the story should develop a bit slower than it is right now, it is a good yarn and I am looking forward too more.
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