#12341446, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2018

  • sunjumper 23 Nov 2018 00:18:30 3,490 posts
    Seen 1 hour ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    @The12thMonkey

    Let's have a look.

    Fourth of August
    I like the intro. It needs a tiny bit of polish to get the flow right at the very beginning. I suspect that you reworked this part a couple of times? It reads like something that has gone through a few revisions. However the scene provides the reader with a strong sense about the people we they are seeing. It is relaxed, it gets the family vibe across pretty well and that half chatter you like? You do it very well here. It feels natural and good natured and at this early point you are already giving out many hints that something isn’t quite right in this world. The summit, the military an airport that was shut down by the government and that the protagonist and his sister had to be careful. There is a lot of clever exposition hidden in the scene that does a lot of heavy lifting. It gives me a good feel about both the world and the two people in the room.

    This bit here: “Jon spent so much of the briefing worried that Rachel was not paying attention, that he had to keep prompting himself to pay attention […]” is great. Very human and relatable.

    The explosion (?) during the helicopter ride certainly has caught my attention. Was that a nuclear explosion?

    The crash and the underwater scene are incredibly tense. Well done.

    The rescue did not let go of the tension.
    You now have my undivided attention.

    I liked the introduction a lot; there is enough warmth and humanity in the first scene to make me care about Jon and Rachel; combined with the them crashing and being stranded on an island in a time of what appears to be a serious crisis wants me to know more immediately. This has a very high ‘page-turner’ potential.

    I’m not quite sure about the ‘other’ voice that is commenting what is happening. At first I thought these were the doubts Jon was having, later in the chapter I was not so sure about that anymore. Right now I’m ambivalent about it. You could leave it away and lose nothing, however I am curious about where you are going with this.

    I hope you find the time to write more soon.





    @Carbon_Altered
    Thank you for the feedback. It actually helps me a lot with writing the story as I get to see some reactions early on before I can write myself into a corner.

    The chapter you just read is mostly a reaction to feedback. When I started writing the basement was just a basement, but it became clear that everyone who read it saw it as something important, something I nearly missed.
    Exploring the basement also gave me the chance to go back to the original idea and flavour of the story as I had intended it to go last year. This year’s version was getting lost in trivialities and this intermission helped me find the focus of the story again.

    Oh and you are right about the typos. It was late at night and the 'monitor' is far away making it easy to miss details.

    Edited by sunjumper at 00:19:37 23-11-2018

    Edited by sunjumper at 01:36:18 23-11-2018
Log in or register to reply