JoelStinty wrote: It's been a while. Still working on the end of Chapter 1. The going is slow and I have to force me to sit down and write but when I do I really enjoy getting lost in the new world. But it is time for more feedback first. Chapter one I like how you start in the light but have the dark creeping in directly in the first paragraph. I would suggest that you open the chapter with: "For as long as Hugo remembered children and adults alike spent long hot summer days jumping from Wrestlers rock’s grassy knoll, plunging into cool open waters of the Atlantic Ocean." this sentence, as it puts pulls the reader right in, and then you can work on setting your scene. I love the second paragraph. " [...] a plane on autopilot to an unknown destination, a plane being pulled along by a piece of string, all perfectly neat and in order." another great bit. The ball of string as fate metaphor is amusing and works well. The father's watch came out of nowhere. The bit with the leaf falling into the puddle is pretty nice and a good parallel to the way Hugo sees himself. Nice. I really like the first chapter. There are a lot of very good ideas here strong imagery and what I feel the first hooks of a plot. It is all still very first draft and will need some thoughtful editing. However the core is there and it is very strong. Chapter two Again I would start with the people to open the chapter: "The two fishermen working, father and daughter, where the only thing moving on this cold clear day." or something like that and build from there. It gives a context to what the reader is seeing. Also if this were a film scene I would first see the people and then the rest of the world. This way around there is this picture of nature, all still and quiet and then surprise, there's people there moving around, now I have to go back to my original idea of the scene and edit them in. I like the whale story. The dialogue is a bit stilted. It doesn't flow right, but as in chapter one, the heart is there. It is far easier to rewrite a scene with substance that needs polish, than a beautifully written part with no soul. The part where Sarah imagines what happens with the lobster pots as they fall towards the ocean ground is great. All in all I really enjoy the story. I like Sarah, I'm interested in the fate of Hugo and what all this means. I love the feeling of magic that permeates your story. Good work. |
#12542889, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2019
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sunjumper 3,548 posts
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