splosh wrote:Chapter 3 Whitey! "The drunken doorway serenade began with a fumble, a push, a twist and a click." beautiful! A sentence I'd like to frame. I feel slightly tempted to say that you might want to dial back on the similes and metaphors but there are so many good ones there, that I'll encourage you to keep it up instead. You will have a goldmine when you come back for the editing pass. Witch dentist. I like that idea a lot. Bonus points for me now wanting a beer and beef and garlic. The way you describe food is very effective. I'm enjoying this part of the story. The grimy world of magic in an even grimier world. It's been a while since I last read a story with urban magic. This one is doing that really well. Bonus points for the characters not being very likable but at the same time they aren't arseholes. A trick most authors don't seem to be able to pull off. "brek-fo-cist" horrible! X-D I love it. The scene in the diner was very, very good. I loved it. And here the story seems to start to come together. I have now a feel for the story and it feels good. |
#12542976, By sunjumper NaNoWriMo 2019
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sunjumper 3,548 posts
Seen 2 weeks ago
Registered 20 years ago
