Following Cancer Page 85

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  • pk1980 27 Nov 2018 21:54:43 1,163 posts
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    Glad everything is going well F_B always nice for some good or at least positive news in here.

    Long may it continue for you.
  • Fake_Blood 28 Nov 2018 09:49:31 9,209 posts
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    Sorry for your loss magicpanda, I hope there were some good moments in that last year and a half too.
  • rice_sandwich 14 Jan 2019 14:37:33 5,040 posts
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    My mother in law has cancer and it is highly likely that she will die within the next few months. Given her age and health, surgery has been ruled out. I'm concerned about how I can support my wife in the run up to this and afterwards. I don't know if I should try to discuss it openly or wait for her to say something first and just listen.

    There a few complicating factors as my wife has had her own (moderate) health problems over the past few years and she's the sort that overthinks and is prone to anxiety/thinking the worst.

    On the other hand I'm quite stoic as I have had not insignificant health issues from birth and have had to struggle just to survive at times, mostly when I was younger. I think it has hardened me, but perhaps not in a good way, and I can probably accept death more than the average person. It doesn't scare me like it scares my wife.

    Her mother lives abroad and so my wife will likely have to stay with her for a while before the end. Not that it's important in the end but it'll cost a lot travelling etc. and we might get in over our heads financially, at least in the short term. My wife already feels guilty over money as she's struggled to get a proper job over the past couple of years.

    Anyway, I suppose that's it. I think it's going to be a hard year.
  • Jono62 14 Jan 2019 14:49:51 21,703 posts
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    @rice_sandwich Sorry to hear the news RS. The best thing imo is to say you are there for her whenever she feels like talking.
  • alt-cmd-esc 14 Jan 2019 15:04:27 285 posts
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    @rice_sandwich sorry to hear your news :( my mother-in-law passed away just before Xmas, about 18 months after her initial diagnosis (pancreatic cancer). I felt like I did very little, and wished that I could have waved a wand and made everything better, but my wife says that me just being there and listening was what she needed most. The situation sucks, but keep giving each other lots of hugs, and make sure you get time to laugh when you can, as weird as that might sound.
  • Nexus_6 14 Jan 2019 15:05:00 4,122 posts
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    Ooof bad news Rice. My condolences.
    I was in a similar position last year - my partners mum was diagnosed with cancer in the spring, inoperable but chemo to extend life. Was then hit with a stroke that partially paralysed her and stopped her talking and meant the chemo was too dangerous to continue.
    Cancer spread and she died in November. In the interim we had such joyous times as her refusing to see her grandchildren for fear of upsetting them with her appearance and lack of speech. One of ours was only just over serious health issues and getting to know her gran. That moment when you know that she knows she's seen the children for the last time ever.

    In the end, its a big shit sandwich and you're all going to have to take a bite. I'm sorry I don't have better advice from my experience. One thing though and I was thinking about this just today, my partner, I thought for a good while, was not a coper but turns out she was someone who just bent with the pressure - better than being rigid and snapping. So maybe do prompt her and talk about it even if she isn't making the move to.
  • Frogofdoom 14 Jan 2019 15:12:56 11,706 posts
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    Sorry to hear that mate. I echo what Jono said and just offer to be there when she is ready to talk. Don't push it, just let her know that when she wants to there is all the support she needs.
  • freddymercurystwin 14 Jan 2019 15:17:37 1,588 posts
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    @rice_sandwich I donít think Iíve ever contributed to this thread but I always open it with trepidation, when it appears at the top of the page, thatís awful news.
    I lost my mum last year, she went into hospital in November 2017 as was having problems eating/drinking and ended up having a massive lifesaving op only to reveal cancer of the bowel that had spread to the liver and she passed away in the following February, as has already been mentioned try and have as many positive moments as possible, they will be some of memories that you (or your wife) will cherish. Also, this may sound like a strange one but try to get some video or recordings of conversation. It never occurred to me before and I regret it now. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5Y3ZgLZbL9MWvRnLHzkHDyK/guy-garvey-wants-you-to-record-interviews-with-your-relatives
  • GuybrushFreepwood 14 Jan 2019 15:32:07 521 posts
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    Co-incidentally enough, I've just heard my mother in law has cancer (skin) on her arm and face that they want to remove. Sounds like they wanted to remove both today but sounds like she panicked a bit and has said she wasn't able to stay for the procedures. I don't know more than that at the moment as I've just had a bunch of text messages from my wife.

    MIL also has a bone disorder which is causing bone growth in areas of her body (including skull (she's had mood swings already) and spine (she's finding movement increasingly painful)) and is affecting her red blood count.

    She's not had anyone give her any timescales around things that I'm aware of, so hopefully its not massively serious.

    @Rice, sounds tough for you both. I would try and do what you're doing, be the supportive one like the others have said.
  • rice_sandwich 14 Jan 2019 16:42:00 5,040 posts
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    Thanks guys. I suppose things are what they are and there's no point denying otherwise. I will try to sound out her general feelings tonight and see how it goes.
  • drhcnip 14 Jan 2019 17:25:27 6,206 posts
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    shit, squire, sorry to hear all that...which hospital/centre is she under, if it's not prying? just wondering what support services are available in terms of supporting relatives or giving that sort of advice...i know maggies at clatterbridge have been a rock to us at times, just for a cup of coffee, cake and a chat about things like that, especially in the early days...failing that, an email to macmillan or the family forums on there are good at relating experiences in your sort of situation or similar...

    unfortunately, as you say - and as harsh as it sounds, things are what they are and there's no point denying otherwise...i's cliched, but it's the 'new normal' is how we get through sometimes...

    thinking of you & yours - this thread is always a good place to ramble on and find a listening ear or two...
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