Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 44

  • Deleted user 25 November 2011 13:27:00
    Why do ducks have webbed feet?

    To stamp out fires.

    Why do elephants have flat feet?

    To stamp out burning ducks
  • Deleted user 25 November 2011 13:28:47
    What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

    A Baboom !
  • Jacksie66 25 Nov 2011 13:45:26 588 posts
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    A dsylexic man walks into a bra.....
  • Jacksie66 25 Nov 2011 13:47:41 588 posts
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    How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

    To get to the other side..

    Edited by Jacksie66 at 13:48:48 25-11-2011
  • PatrickEwing 25 Nov 2011 14:06:13 2,356 posts
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    Madder-Max wrote:
    What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

    A Baboom !
    got a laugh from me, think I'll use that one.
  • Blaketown 25 Nov 2011 14:10:06 5,658 posts
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    There was a point I was getting heavily into Sado-Bestio-Necrophillia.

    Then I realised I was flogging a dead horse.
  • L_Franko Moderator 1 Dec 2011 15:42:03 9,695 posts
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    What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?

    You can unscrew a light bulb.
  • convercide 7 Dec 2011 08:00:47 6,423 posts
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    A survey was done recently that revealed 98% of Scousers have had sex while in the shower.

    The other 2% haven't been to prison.
  • convercide 7 Dec 2011 08:00:55 6,423 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Deleted user 8 December 2011 14:15:09
    My wife called me "a useless cunt" today. Which is funny because she can't have kids.

    My wife found out the other day that for all the years we have been together I have been using a dildo during sex rather than use my penis. She came home from work burst into the sitting room while I was looking after the little ones and shouted "explain the dildo you bastard"
    I replied "Explain the kids you bitch."

    I was having a wank the other day when someone popped up and said "have sex with local girls in your area" I shouted "get out of my room mum!"

    A blonde goes to the doctor and says "doctor i'm in pain"
    The doctor says "what are the symptons"
    The blonde says "when I touch my face it hurts, when I touch my arm it hurts, when i touch my breasts it hurts, doctor what is wrong with me?"
    Doctor replies "you have broken your finger my dear"

    Edited by whatfruit at 14:15:28 08-12-2011
  • S.J.Rogers 8 Dec 2011 16:56:44 3,593 posts
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  • Pac-man-ate-my-wife 8 Dec 2011 16:58:36 7,032 posts
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    hello_fi wrote:
    What has two wings and a halo?

    A Chinese telephone.

    WING WING....HALO!!!
    A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
  • tendollarlameo 24 Dec 2011 10:08:55 43 posts
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    Hank was feeling depressed. He had just had sex with one of his patients. How could he do that? His career would surely be over. But he thought of her, her supple thighs and erect nipples. Her hot breath on his body. How could have not acted on his feelings? Still, he was having regrets. Just then, a voice popped into his head. "Hank," it said, "You aren't the first person to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. No one will know. Stop worrying about it!"

    Then another voice snapped him back into reality...

    Jesus fuck Hank, you're a veterinarian!
  • PhoenixFlames 24 Dec 2011 10:13:31 9,263 posts
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    Pac-man-ate-my-wife wrote:
    hello_fi wrote:
    What has two wings and a halo?

    A Chinese telephone.

    WING WING....HALO!!!
    A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
    Oh do pipe down. It's just a joke. Have a drink, chill out. Enjoy life.
  • Deleted user 4 January 2012 01:02:17
    An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
    assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was
    looking for a small-ish dog for company.

    The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets'
    and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or
    any commonplace pets.

    He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.
    He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium,
    and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

    "Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

    The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an
    amphibian would be a suitable companion.

    "Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has
    been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

    At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of
    500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession.

    Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne
    and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she
    dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting
    her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and

    Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved
    it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform.
    No response.

    After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and
    called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained
    loudly that she had been cheated.The clerk apologised profusely,
    wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

    Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered,
    wearing a nightgown.He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She
    obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the
    frog in place. The frog made no movement.

    "You see?" she asked, petulantly.

    "Yes, I do," said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed
    his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you
    this one more time...
  • minky-kong 4 Jan 2012 11:27:18 13,476 posts
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    What cheese can you use to lure a bear out of the woods?

  • billythekid 4 Jan 2012 11:35:54 12,196 posts
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    What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse?


    Edited by billythekid at 11:36:35 04-01-2012
  • Deleted user 4 January 2012 12:42:01
    Ben has a drink problem and is often uncertain of how he gets home (and in what state) after a night on the tiles. His wife, Carol, is often left to clear up the mess he makes on his return from nights out drinking, and is getting fed up of clearing his piss and vomit off the carpets, getting him out of his clothes, and carrying up to bed.

    The new year comes around, and Carol has had enough and confronts Ben, telling him that if he does his usual stuff again then that's it, she's leaving him.

    A couple of nights later Ben is back at work and off out for a New Year's drink with some of his work drinks buddies. He's trying very hard to heed his wife's words, but it's difficult with all of the peer pressure and being back around his mates.

    Time for the fourth pint arrives, and Ben tries to make his excuses to leave. His excuses don't cut it, and his mates continue to pressure him into staying for another drink, to which Ben replies that, if he goes home drunk and covered in puke again, his wife is going to leave him.

    One of his drinking mates says that he'd had a similar run in with his wife, but had a great way to get around the problem. He slips a twenty pound note into Ben's top pocket and advises Ben that, in the event that he turns up home covered in puke, he should tell his wife that he was out in the pub and someone threw up on him, but then gave him twenty pounds to get his suit dry-cleaned, hence the twenty quid note in his top pocket.

    Armed with this genius solution, Ben stays out with the lads, gets roaring drunk, and staggers home in an absolute state at some ungodly hour. The next morning his wife Carol eyes him with utter contempt whilst picking up his puke-drenched jacket off the floor:

    'I thought I told you I'd had enough of this Ben?', she says

    'It wasn't me, Carol, look in the top pocket of the jacket', replies Ben

    Carol carefully slips her hand into the top pocket of the vom-dripping blazer and pulls out the contents.

    'See?' says Ben 'There's twenty quid in there for dry-cleaning. This guy threw up on me whilst I was in the pub having a couple of pints with the lads after work - no more than that, honest. Anyway, I got that money off the drunk bastard to pay for my suit to be cleaned.'

    Carol eyes Ben with skepticism and says, 'But there's forty quid in your pocket, Ben.'

    To which Ben replies, 'That other twenty quid is from the bastard who shat in my pants'
  • Toonster 4 Jan 2012 12:45:31 6,903 posts
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    Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

    He drank his coffee before it was cool.
  • TechnoHippy 5 Jan 2012 15:49:17 14,707 posts
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    Immaterial wrote:
    OllyJ wrote:
    What, I still don't get it, what WOULD women be like if they had no legs?
    Easier to run away from? More portable?
    Boxing Helena flashback!
  • Deleted user 10 January 2012 22:01:45
    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompson's Jacket.
  • Deleted user 10 January 2012 22:01:47
    Post deleted
  • Mickey219 23 Jan 2012 15:15:28 20 posts
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    I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

    I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
  • PazJohnMitch 23 Jan 2012 22:20:45 13,433 posts
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    hello_fi wrote:
    What has two wings and a halo?

    A Chinese telephone.

    WING WING....HALO!!!

    Chinese people say "WAI" when they answer the phone.
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