Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 60

  • DrStrangelove 3 Oct 2019 19:10:59 15,241 posts
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    That's the greatest praise I can think of, thank you
  • SuperSoupy 4 Oct 2019 11:09:16 228 posts
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    It was my Grandad's 75th birthday yesterday. Still fit as a fiddle. He walks 4 miles every day.

    We don't know where the fuck he is.
  • Mola_Ram 4 Oct 2019 14:32:37 24,398 posts
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    So a massive cathedral puts an ad up for someone to take over the job of ringing the church bells every morning.

    They get an applicant really quickly. The priest takes him up all the stairs to where the bells are, hands the guy the ropes and says "ok, show me what you're made of"

    But the guy refuses and says "actually, I do it a bit differently". And he stands up and with full force headbutts the bell once, twice. The bell rings out really loudly... BOOOOOONG, BOOOOONG.

    The priest is a little nonplussed at this, but says "hey, however you want to do it is fine, as long as the things get rang on time".

    And the applicant says "Oh, but you haven't seen anything yet! Watch THIS!". And he steps back, takes a big run-up, and jumps at the bell head-first. But he misjudged the run-up, glances off the bell and falls out the window.

    It was really high up, so unfortunately he had no chance to survive. The police and ambulances come to clean up the mess. And the priest comes up, a little shellshocked, offering to act as a witness for the police. So the policeman asks him "Hey, did you know this guy?"

    "No, but his face rings a bell"
  • Mola_Ram 4 Oct 2019 14:40:24 24,398 posts
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    And so the next day, the cathedral gets another applicant. And the priest does a double take, because the new applicant looks EXACTLY the same as the one that fell to his death the day before.

    So the priest asks "Um... weren't you here yesterday?". And the guy says "No, that was my twin brother. I heard what happened, and I felt like I just had to come and preserve our family's honour. You see, bell-ringing is the family business, and I have every confidence that I can do my brother proud, succeed where he failed".

    And, although the priest is understandably worried, he takes the new applicant up the stairs to where the bells are, and hands the applicant the ropes.

    "No no no, we have a special technique for this", says the applicant, and proceeds to bash his head into the bell, once, twice. The sound is impressive!

    And the priest says "Ok, you can stop now, you got the job", and the guy says "NO, I HAVE TO FINISH THIS". And he takes a run-up and dives at the bell head-first. But like his brother, he misses and falls out the window.

    Getting a strong sense of deja-vu, the priest comes down to the police and other authorities cleaning up the mess. And the policeman says "...so. Did you know this one?"

    "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"
  • minky-kong 4 Oct 2019 14:42:34 14,619 posts
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    What a senseless loss of life.
  • You-can-call-me-kal 4 Oct 2019 14:54:27 20,716 posts
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    Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce. She said ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.
  • mrpon 4 Oct 2019 15:20:56 36,380 posts
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    :D
  • Some_Goats 5 Oct 2019 08:02:09 164 posts
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    My wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
  • Some_Goats 5 Oct 2019 08:03:27 164 posts
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    I've bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. I want to see her face light up when she opens it.
  • Mola_Ram 28 Oct 2019 09:53:40 24,398 posts
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    So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

    "I'm alphabetising all my plants"

    "Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

    "It's right next to the sage"
  • Tricky 28 Oct 2019 10:34:41 5,012 posts
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    Why does the Swedish Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

    So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
  • Mola_Ram 28 Oct 2019 10:37:39 24,398 posts
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    James Bond and JCVD meet at a bar

    "The name's Bond. James Bond"

    "The name's Damme. Van Damme. Claude Van Damme. Jean Claude Van Damme"
  • Load_2.0 28 Oct 2019 17:59:22 32,067 posts
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    The bell ringing joke made me chuckle.

    I'm fond of this thread.
  • Deleted user 28 October 2019 18:07:40
    I'm thinking some of you follow Dad jokes on Insta. A great source of laughs that I insist on inflicting on my younger girlfriend. She laughs at my enthusiasm rather than the joke.

    /stealth younger gf post
  • Deleted user 28 October 2019 18:08:00
    /follows thread
  • minky-kong 28 Oct 2019 18:16:23 14,619 posts
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    adamasunder12 wrote:
    I'm thinking some of you follow Dad jokes on Insta. A great source of laughs that I insist on inflicting on my younger girlfriend. She laughs at my enthusiasm rather than the joke.

    /stealth younger gf post
    https://img.gifglobe.com/grabs/partridgecloud/S02E01/gif/z9rGubZs4fBL.gif
  • Deleted user 28 October 2019 18:35:38
    Kiss my face
  • Trowel 29 Oct 2019 18:41:55 23,662 posts
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    I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to wank in a cup.

    I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.
  • Deleted user 29 October 2019 20:46:24
    Why was Earl Grey illegal in the Soviet Union?

    Because all property is theft.
  • jaxon58 30 Oct 2019 12:48:32 2,526 posts
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    How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

    Ten ants.
  • chronom4n 30 Oct 2019 14:23:40 529 posts
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    I have one....did you hear about the horse that started his own political party to go against Hitler.... He called it the Neigh-zi party.
  • pacrifice 30 Oct 2019 17:46:14 5,248 posts
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  • bone-on 30 Oct 2019 18:21:28 565 posts
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    Two peanuts walk down a street one was a salted
  • fontgeeksogood 30 Oct 2019 18:59:55 10,631 posts
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    chronom4n wrote:
    I have one....did you hear about the horse that started his own political party to go against Hitler.... He called it the Neigh-zi party.
    I heard he was gay. What did he eat?
  • smoothpete 30 Oct 2019 19:10:14 37,129 posts
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    Trowel wrote:
    I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to wank in a cup.

    I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.
    This is good
  • rare_uk 1 Nov 2019 11:59:50 3,626 posts
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    What do you call a woman who burns all her bills?



    Bernadette
  • X201 1 Nov 2019 12:50:25 20,720 posts
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    rare_uk wrote:
    What do you call a woman who burns all her bills?



    Bernadette
    God, they were doing the rounds when I was at school

    What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?

    Warren
  • crashVoodoo 1 Nov 2019 15:49:38 6,768 posts
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    X201 wrote:
    rare_uk wrote:
    What do you call a woman who burns all her bills?



    Bernadette
    God, they were doing the rounds when I was at school

    What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?

    Warren
    Aye, that is some old shit.

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

    Cliff

    What do you call a man with a car on his head ?

    Jack

    What do you call a man with a spade on his head ?

    Doug

    Edited by crashVoodoo at 15:51:36 01-11-2019
  • X201 1 Nov 2019 15:56:57 20,720 posts
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    What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

    Reg

    What do you call a man standing in-between two houses?

    Ali

    Edited by X201 at 15:57:58 01-11-2019
  • Deleted user 1 November 2019 16:03:58
    /unfollows
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