Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 61

  • robthehermit 1 Nov 2019 16:20:45 7,964 posts
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    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    It was dead.
  • fontgeeksogood 1 Nov 2019 17:01:56 10,631 posts
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    crashVoodoo wrote:
    X201 wrote:
    rare_uk wrote:
    What do you call a woman who burns all her bills?



    Bernadette
    God, they were doing the rounds when I was at school

    What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?

    Warren
    Aye, that is some old shit.

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

    Cliff

    What do you call a man with a car on his head ?

    Jack

    What do you call a man with a spade on his head ?

    Doug
    What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

    Douglas
  • lordofthedunce 1 Nov 2019 18:15:45 678 posts
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    What do you call Michael Barrymore after a house party?
  • Deleted user 1 November 2019 18:18:43
    I doubt the wait will be worth it
  • lordofthedunce 1 Nov 2019 18:20:18 678 posts
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    A lawyer*

    *not worth the wait
  • RawShark 1 Nov 2019 21:51:48 1,285 posts
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    I used spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.
  • fontgeeksogood 1 Nov 2019 21:59:47 10,631 posts
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    I went to the doctor the other day, I said "Doctor! My feet smell and my nose runs!"

    He said, these two conditions clearly aren't related. I'll prescribe you some fungal foot powder and your nose will likely clear up by itself within the week
  • TechnoHippy 4 Nov 2019 12:45:07 17,740 posts
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    Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds. Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's only 50p! So asked the guy in the shop to play it, just so I know it's OK. "Yes, of course!". Then it started to play...Bzzzz...Bzzwzzz...Wzzzzz..." etc. Anyway it finished. I said to the guy "I'm a world authority on wasp sounds but there's not a single wasp on there. "Oh! That's odd!" he said. Then "Aha! I know why! I played the bee side!"

    Edited by TechnoHippy at 12:45:54 04-11-2019
  • Decks Best Forumite, 2016 4 Nov 2019 13:03:33 26,440 posts
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    I'm quite annoyed that I read all of that.
  • TechnoHippy 4 Nov 2019 13:32:43 17,740 posts
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    My work here is complete :-)
  • Deleted user 4 November 2019 13:36:17
    Is it like a commentary on how annoying and pointless wasps are?
  • RawShark 14 Nov 2019 01:07:55 1,285 posts
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    raymondcroce94 wrote:
    A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.
    Booooooooo.
  • neilka 14 Nov 2019 01:09:18 23,549 posts
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    Everybody's Indifferent About Raymond
  • RawShark 14 Nov 2019 01:10:49 1,285 posts
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    I think out of everyone who knew Keith Harris, Orville misses him the most.

    Since he died hes just been sitting in his room, staring into space. I dont even think hes moved.
  • MysteryLamb 18 Nov 2019 12:18:57 592 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Decks Best Forumite, 2016 17 Feb 2020 10:59:12 26,440 posts
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    What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination?
  • Decks Best Forumite, 2016 17 Feb 2020 11:01:01 26,440 posts
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    HANNNNND EYYEEEEEE


    My apologies
  • EMarkM 17 Feb 2020 11:03:30 4,977 posts
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    @Decks Please leave.

    Now.
  • freddymercurystwin 19 Mar 2020 12:21:00 2,246 posts
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    The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.
  • KRadiation 19 Mar 2020 12:22:41 1,553 posts
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    oh no not a coronavirus joke.

    I made a Coronavirus joke a couple of weeks ago.
    Nobody laughed at the time, but now everybody's got it.
  • Mola_Ram 19 Mar 2020 12:26:27 24,398 posts
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    I have loads of jokes about unemployment, but none of them work.
  • freddymercurystwin 19 Mar 2020 12:27:24 2,246 posts
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    KRadiation wrote:
    oh no not a coronavirus joke.

    I made a Coronavirus joke a couple of weeks ago.
    Nobody laughed at the time, but now everybody's got it.
    That could go viral.
  • TechnoHippy 24 May 2020 14:37:13 17,740 posts
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    I told my teacher about the car that hit my dog in the ass.

    She told me, "No, it's rectum."

    I said "Wrecked him, it bloody killed him."
  • freddymercurystwin 24 May 2020 14:42:32 2,246 posts
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    All I had for dinner last night was bread. It was my whole meal.
  • grey_matters 24 May 2020 15:18:36 5,320 posts
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    freddymercurystwin wrote:
    All I had for dinner last night was bread. It was my whole meal.
    Did it make your day?
  • challenge_hanukkah 24 May 2020 15:23:50 13,057 posts
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    I often have bread sandwiches.
  • northernlights 24 May 2020 15:30:55 1,172 posts
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    Save yourself some money on an expensive pair of binoculars

    By simply moving closer to the object your trying to look at
  • TechnoHippy 24 May 2020 15:56:06 17,740 posts
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    northernlights wrote:
    Save yourself some money on an expensive pair of binoculars

    By simply moving closer to the object your trying to look at
    Was that a Viz top tip? :-)
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