I love b3ta's QOTW (Question of the Week) • Non-Gaming • Humour • Eurogamer.net

terminalterror 12 Sep 2008 16:28:49 18,932 posts
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linky

Every week there is a given topic, people post their replies and at the end of the week the ones with the most "I like this" clicks sift to the top.

Sort of like a lot of the threads we get on here, only with the crud filtered out.

There are all sorts of fantastic replies, from the heartwarming to the silly to the depressing to the ingeniusly made up.

Is anybody else here a fan?

I mention this specifically because I've just read a fantastic answer to last week's question: "Customers from Hell"

I'll copy/paste it below: (I urge you to read it, because it is such an awesome anecdote)

I used to work in a dockside bar that was, to put it mildly, a little rough.

It all began after I moved to this well-known (and utterly crap) port town. The town itself was bad enough, rammed full of ne'er-do-wells and a smorgasbord of freaks, but the closer you got to the port the worse the punters became. The vile clientele that poured through our doors was continuously topped-up thanks to the convenient location of the bar. It was the first watering hole the transients clattered into as they stepped off their ships onto terra firma. Some of our customers wouldn't have looked out of place in a zoo and a couple still make me shudder when I remember how nauseating they were.

The bar itself was a monumental shithole. The drab interior got wrecked most weeks by the locals fighting with the fleeting (then fleeing) masses. The owner had tried to add a pointless touch of sparkle by hosting live acoustic jazz bands most nights, but the contrast between the music and the atmosphere was laughable. Imagine a clarinet concerto in the aftermath of the Brixton riots and you'll be halfway there. My job as chief barman was without question the worst means of paying my rent I've ever had.

I'd only been working there for six months but I'd just about had enough, what with having to blindly ignore the constant criminal activity and put up with the ebb and flow of human detritus that wafted through. I'd developed a bit of a cunt's attitude to my customers, as it was the only way to get through the nights. The final straw came on a particularly busy shift. To give you some idea of the kind of bullshit I had to put up with, earlier in the day I'd endured a full sweep of the place by the authorities to assist them with a fucking manhunt. It was definitely not shaping up to be a good evening. I was serving a particularly short-fused customer with the motley jazz band in full swing when the door swung open. I knew at once we were due for big trouble.

It was a group of four drifters who looked *completely* out of place; that is, they looked relatively normal compared to our usual patrons. The first problem was that two of the members of this group were obviously flaming homosexuals and this was *not* a gay-friendly bar. The taller chap was a sight to behold. He was worryingly camp, wearing a lurid gold outfit that Liberace himself would have sent back to the shop for being too ostentatious. The short, fat one was relatively straight-acting but I'd already made my mind up. This feckless bling-clad mincer and his stumpy companion were attracting exactly the wrong kind of attention from the burly crowd assembled in front of the bar. I had to do something quickly, so I made it clear that I wouldn't be serving either of them. The young bloke in the group had a quick word and thankfully, the sad-faced queers retreated rapidly towards the exit in order to avoid what otherwise would've ended with a merciless beating. I felt bad, but it was better than clearing up their body parts.

The other two gentlemen stayed in the bar. The old fellow wandered over to one of our regulars and started chatting, which was a little strange as I knew the guy couldn’t speak English at all. It seemed that they were acquaintances though, so I turned away from the bar for a moment to collect my thoughts. Almost as soon as I'd turned around, I felt a tug at my shirt. It was the young guy again. He gave me an understanding nod but didn't actually say anything. I still felt rather grateful and relieved for his swift help a few moments earlier, so I handed over a free drink which he silently accepted.

Barely ten seconds later, it all kicked off. One of the foreign dockhands in the bar spotted my act of charity for this stranger and took exception to his special treatment. I turned to see this fearsomely-ugly thug march over to shove him hard and begin a drooling tirade of unintelligible drunken aggression. One of the dockhand’s mates joined in with the intimidation tactics. They were both very drunk, but I overheard him slur something about a criminal record followed by a death threat. That was par for the course in this place. The young stranger kept cool, but the altercation had obviously unnerved the poor chap. Before he'd had a chance to think about retaliation, his elderly friend had left the chit-chat with my regular customer and stepped into the situation himself.

The old man tried his best to calm things down, but by now it was too far gone and a fight was ready to break out. Without any further warning, the dockhand’s mate grabbed the younger guy and flung him across the room into a table full of drinks. I spotted a gun being produced so I ducked behind the bar, where I then heard a terrifying scream. The commotion died down and I re-emerged to find the assailant lying on the ground, one arm completely severed and the old man standing there wielding a glowing energy sword. I watched blankly as he returned it to his belt, my customers continued with their business and the band continued playing their god-awful music as if nothing had even happened.

Like I said, it was a fucking shithole.

TechnoHippy 12 Sep 2008 16:33:19 19,245 posts
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That's pretty cool.

StarchildHypocrethes 12 Sep 2008 16:36:42 33,974 posts
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espadachin 12 Sep 2008 16:38:32 2,214 posts
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genius.

terminalterror 12 Sep 2008 16:41:48 18,932 posts
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If you are ever looking for something to keep you occupied on the internet, I doubt you'll find much better (aside from porn) than reading through the QOTW archives. Just reading the best page of answers for each week will take you a very long time and make you giggle insanely quite often.

DaM 12 Sep 2008 16:45:41 17,729 posts
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I once sent one of my employees the link to it, then had to threaten him with an official warning if he could not stop reading it at work, everytime I turned around for a week was on it!

It's a great way to waste time.

Onny 12 Sep 2008 16:51:06 5,695 posts
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Only twigged in the third-to-last sentence, I then re-read the whole thing with new eyes. Genius!

The inappropriate kid's slide in their most recent newsletter had me in tears as well.

AdmiralPellaeon 12 Sep 2008 17:00:14 347 posts
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Great web site !

I also love the challenge of the week (Photo shop contest)

terminalterror 12 Sep 2008 18:07:56 18,932 posts
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AdmiralPellaeon wrote:
Great web site !

I also love the challenge of the week (Photo shop contest)

b3ta really is a website of genius.

terminalterror 12 Sep 2008 18:08:12 18,932 posts
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Onny wrote:
Only twigged in the third-to-last sentence, I then re-read the whole thing with new eyes. Genius!

The inappropriate kid's slide in their most recent newsletter had me in tears as well.

+1 on both counts!

terminalterror 22 Sep 2010 14:28:26 18,932 posts
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Struggling not to totally lose control with laughter

Deleted user 22 September 2010 14:34:31

ahahaha, that (OP) is very well done.

I have an hour until my books are ready. TIME TO READ.

Deleted user 22 September 2010 14:35:54

No, the library is not the place to suppress laughter.

EVIL

but hilarious

terminalterror 29 Oct 2010 16:27:11 18,932 posts
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Just reading the What was I thinking? QOTW and this one made me smile:

When I was a student I thought I could make some easy money volunteering to be a guinea pig in neuroscience research - it involved minor brain surgery, but I foolishly thought the rewards outweighed the risks. It turned out to be a massive error in judgement, as there was a bit of a cock-up, and the part of my brain that controls my lower leg movement ended up fused with part of my memory centre.

I kick myself whenever I think about it.