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The Daily Mash • Page 3
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superdelphinus 10,478 posts
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Ged42 7,985 posts
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Registered 13 years agoControversy in Fox's IT department
So that's how you repair a broken server. -
Dougs 97,589 posts
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smoothpete 37,418 posts
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Registered 17 years agoAh I came to post the T-Rex one, loving that today
Tyrannosaurus Rex got mad respect
THE T-Rex received bare respect back in the day because of its powerful jaws but was not immune to haters, experts have claimed.
As new research shows that Tyrannosaurus Rex had the strongest bite of any creature in history, scientists believe any dinosaurs fronting up to the mighty beast would have gotten instant bad man beat downs.
Dinosaur street credibility expert Stephen Malley said: "Despite his physical prowess, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, or T as he would have been known, was basically safe. T would not go around merking other dinosaurs just because of some petty beef, or for jokes."
But it was not always easy for the king of the dinosaurs to keep shit on point.
Malley added: "Sometimes packs of velociprators or an allosaurus - another large but lesser-know theropod of the Jurassic era - would get up in T's grill.
"But the mighty king would just do a screwface, showing all his big teeth and they would instantly back the fuck up, realising that T was a non-pettance bredrin. In that respect the Tyrannosaurus Rex was much like Ray Liotta.
"Triceratops would often front, chatting stupidness and boying T, making him proper vexed because dinosaurs of the therapod and ceratopsid genuses have had beef since time.
"But when the two clashed, triceratops would invariably get bruk up."
However scientists remain divided on which, if any, of the saurians smoked draw.
Malley said: "Probably brontosauruses smoked once in a while, but only when weed was easily available. They still would have had grazing, seasonal migration and other general shit to do, so it's likely they blazed a milder 'day weed' rather than mad hydro shit, which would also have made them all paranoid about the impending Ice Age."
He added: "They would not have done any Class As though. You couldn't get them back then." -
mal 29,326 posts
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Registered 19 years agoThere was a bit about the Mash in this week's Culture Show, along with some other tosh about stuff that has either almost finished at the theatre, or is on too far away from you for you to go to. -
JuanKerr 37,710 posts
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MrWorf 64,002 posts
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Registered 19 years agoLoved the one about the Greek Trojan horse the other day. I was in tears of laughter! 
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MrWorf 64,002 posts
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Jono62 26,374 posts
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Registered 13 years agoBoth of those stories are fantastic .gif)
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glo 3,715 posts
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Registered 19 years agoGreek Trojan Horse link is excellent. Cheers Razz. -
MrWorf 64,002 posts
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Registered 19 years ago:'D
Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity
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As the UK’s alcohol intake falls, doctors have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.
New NHS figures indicate a ‘long-term downward trend’ in alcohol consumption. But medical experts have warned that Britons who are not either slightly drunk or hungover will be unable to mentally process the awfulness that surrounds them.
Doctor Tom Logan said: “I’m seeing patients who are very agitated and confused. They’re convinced that everyone is pretty hostile, the country is run by shady criminals and Essex is a real place.
“I have to explain that all these notions are entirely accurate, but they’re just noticing for the first time because they’re off the sauce.
“We must introduce a minimum alcohol intake – I’d suggest three pints per day – to provide a ‘booze cushion’ against the awfulness of reality. And we must do it before Big Brother comes back on television.”
The extent of the problem is such that Dr Logan has produced a leaflet titled Introduction to Reality, describing the realities of alcohol-free living.
He said: “It’s things like, when you go to the cinema and hear voices in the darkness, it’s not an aural hallucination, just that everyone’s really rude. And how the sky is that grey colour naturally.”
Plumber Stephen Malley headbutted a sheet of plate glass on a trip to a shopping centre. He said: “I’d not been drinking for a few days, and the people just looked like bald yelping chimps dragging bags of pointless crud while stuffing pasties into their heads, like in a science fiction book or something.
“Anti-alcohol campaigners don’t warn you about reality. They only care about livers and other internal organs that probably do nothing anyway.”
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Edited by Razz at 10:35:29 07-06-2012 -
smoothpete 37,418 posts
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Registered 17 years agoBig grey clouds verbally abusing the UK
"Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I was walking home from work without my umbrella when I heard a booming voice say, ‘Hey, look up!’
“It appeared to be coming from the sky. And when I looked up this cloud said, ‘How you like these apples, motherfucker?’ and fired a blast of rain into my face."" -
MrWorf 64,002 posts
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Registered 19 years ago Mash has been on stellar form these past few months, it really is quite something to behold. -
Load_2.0 32,520 posts
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Registered 18 years agoAhhhhhaaaaahahahahahahaha. I loved this.
“I angrily shook my fist at the cloud and called it a floating devil, but it simply responded, ‘I’m in the sky, you can’t do shit.”” -
Rusty_M 7,171 posts
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Registered 14 years agoJust read these for the first time today.
Why the hell did I wait so long? -
Cadence 2,571 posts
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Registered 15 years agoBeen reading the daily mash for a few years and I agree, the last few months they have been on superb form, I haven't laughed so much in ages. -
Immaterial 2,494 posts
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Registered 14 years ago50 shades of Clegg.
"He sucked out the peach stone, like some pedigree sex hoover, and spat it into my forehead, making a small dent." -
MrWorf 64,002 posts
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Registered 19 years ago'Darkest ever' Batman just a black screen
CHRISTOPHER Nolan’s latest Batman film consists of a cinema screen that remains black and silent for two-and-a-half hours.
The director has described The Dark Knight Rises as ‘the darkest Batman ever’ and ‘taking edgy, moody nihilism to its logical conclusion’.
Nolan said: “During the development process, none of the storyboards were looking dark, edgy or moody enough for me.
“In a fit of despair I doodled a rectangle and filled it in with a black marker pen. I realised it was the perfect expression of Bruce Wayne’s inner void.”
As well as having no moving images, Nolan opted to tell the story of Batman’s battle with the murderous lunatic Bane without sound.
Nolan said: “There is no sound in the abyss, only emptiness.”
Test audience member Nikki Hollis said: “The black silence becomes strangely meditative.
“I found myself considering some deep Batman-related questions, like if you punch the Penguin in a forest and there’s no-one around, does it still make a ‘ka-pow’ sound?
Cinemagoer Tom Logan said: “Well it sounds interesting but I’m not sure it’s the fun time I’m after. I was thinking of taking my kids but they tend to prefer sassy talking donkeys to silent contemplation of existential angst.” -
smoothpete 37,418 posts
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henro_ben 2,392 posts
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Registered 15 years agosmoothpete wrote:
Great article, forwarded it to my gf yesterday as she's working with them at the moment. Love the "gonk-faced shitwit whose only achievement is exuding about enough body heat to keep a chair warm" description, arf!
Coe smashes 'biggest bollocking' world record -
Anthony_UK 3,054 posts
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TechnoHippy 18,381 posts
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Registered 17 years agoThis one had my sandwich across the desk .gif)
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/street-fighter-tainted-by-van-damme-sex-claims-2012081638293 -
boo 13,661 posts
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X201 21,284 posts
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TechnoHippy 18,381 posts
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Registered 17 years agoAnother good one today:
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/war/we-kind-of-assumed-that-army-tells-taleban-2012091140692 -
boo 13,661 posts
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TechnoHippy 18,381 posts
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smoothpete 37,418 posts
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Registered 17 years agoBake-Off will last as long as the recession, says BBC
"Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “I must be able to eat brownies all day and then come home to a programme about enthusiastic amateurs making brownies that, somehow, seem even more delicious.
“Otherwise I will paint the office walls with the blood of my enemies.”" -
smoothpete 37,418 posts
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Registered 17 years agoAlso:
Cowardly Baumgartner finds flimsy excuse
Internationally renowned coward Felix Baumgartner has manufactured a pathetic excuse so he does not have to jump out of a balloon from 120,000 feet.
In a move described by experts as ‘typically Austrian’, the self-styled daredevil said he could not descend towards the Earth at the speed of sound because it was ‘a bit windy’.
He was immediately denounced by British daredevils who said that if they had ever tried to hurtle downwards at 340 metres per second the last thing they would have worried about was the direction of the air in which they were travelling.
Brian Thompson, the last Briton to jump off a garage, said: “Poof.”
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