| .." so i went to the doctors and said 'doctor. I've broken my arm in several places'. The doctor said ' well, dont go to those places then'..." |
Know any good jokes?
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Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoHow does Bob Marley like his Donuts?
[MH] -
auzwold 56 posts
Registered 17 years agoWhat do you call a bear with testicles on its head?
Genital Ben. -
With Jam'in!!
\o/
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Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years ago/hands out jaffa cakes
[MH] -
Have you ever heard 'The Aristocrat'? 
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Singularity 3,282 posts
Seen 1 day ago
Registered 18 years agolol! -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years ago2 fish are in a tank...
[MH] -
sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agokalel wrote:
Have you ever heard 'The Aristocrat'?
No. Tell it me. Now!!! -
Singularity 3,282 posts
Seen 1 day ago
Registered 18 years agosam_spade wrote:
kalel wrote:
Have you ever heard 'The Aristocrat'?
No. Tell it me. Now!!!
Click here.
But it's not suitable for work. Or, you know, most humans. -
Mike_Hunt wrote:
2 fish are in a tank...
[MH]
Oooh oohh!!
Me me!
One says "How the fuck do you drive this thing" and the other one says "OMG a talking fish!!!" -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agokalel wrote:
See! Interactive jokes.
Mike_Hunt wrote:
2 fish are in a tank...
[MH]
Oooh oohh!!
Me me!
One says "How the fuck do you drive this thing" and the other one says "OMG a talking fish!!!"
It's the future!
[MH] -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoA young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and
went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious
that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her
apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her
robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my
best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!
My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no
blemishes anywhere!
How can you think that the best part
of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you
said you heard someone coming? That was me."
[MH] -
A bloke who had a £50 note tatooed to his 'ahem!...cough..' was aked by his mate why he had done it.
He replied "Well i will always have my money on me, I will get to see my money grow and what better way for my wife to blow £50 whenever she wants!" -
ITS MAO MAO!!! Not Bongo!
/watches league of gentlemen -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoTwo ariels got married...
[MH] -
tengu wrote:
kalel wrote:
ITS MAO MAO!!! Not Bongo!
/watches league of gentlemen
When I was told it about ten years ago, it was bongo. So League of Gentlemen is less accurate than me in this case.
/feels undeservedly smug.
/feels sad again...
It also had something to do with grapes, pineapples and anuses in the version I heard. (Feels queasy). -
Salaman 24,162 posts
Seen 6 days ago
Registered 17 years agoThree nuns are sitting on a park bench when suddenly, a gentleman in his mid forties walks up, wairing a raincoat.
He stops in front of the bench and opens his coat, giving the three nuns a full front display of his naked features.
The first nun ...
... had a stroke.
The second nun ...
... had a stroke.
The third nun ...
... was sitting a bit too far away and couldn't quite reach. -
sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agoMike_Hunt wrote:
Two ariels got married...
[MH]
And on the honeymoon the male ariel said to the female ariel: "Why can't we be in a decent joke?"
And the female ariel says: "Who cares, we had a great reception!!!" -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agoWhat's the difference between Dirty Harry and anal sex?
Dirty Harry will make your day.
Anal sex will make your hole weak. -
Salaman 24,162 posts
Seen 6 days ago
Registered 17 years agoTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?" -
Salaman 24,162 posts
Seen 6 days ago
Registered 17 years agoAaah interactive jokes, eh?
Well if they're all the craze these days ...
*shrugs and dusts off some ancient joke. Then spits on it and shines it up a bit*
PATIENT: ''Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.'' -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoDOCTOR: I've got some cream for that!
[MH] -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agoA blonde walks into a house.
Which is odd, cos you'd have thought she'd have seen it. -
2 blondes walking in the woods come across some tracks. One says they are deer tracks and the other insists they are bear tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them! -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agoA man is sat at a bar telling blonde jokes, and half way through one he gets a tap on the shoulder.
Behind him are three blonde women. The one who has just tapped him says:
'Me and my friends have just heard your jokes, and I have to say we are very offended. I'm a black belt in Jujitsu, she's a Karate master and Helen over there is English Thai-Boxing champion, so, do you want to carry on with that joke?'
The man says:
'Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times, no.'
-
One to remember:
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 10th point.
Officer: May I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendant. The car was soon surrounded by police, and the Superintendant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendant: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Superintendant: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.
The driver owned the car.
Superintendant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendant: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Superintendant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
[MH]
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