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What do you call it when a blond blows into another blonde's ear? data transfer  |
Know any good jokes? • Page 2
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sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agoTwo birds are walking home from a night out and decided to skip through the cemetery so they get home quicker.
One says "I'm dying for a wee. I need to go now"
The other says: "Me too. I'm going to go behind this gravestone." So they go off and do there thing. The first one comes back and says: "Bloody hell I've been stung by nettles. I've had to take me knickers off. It hurts so much."
The other says: "I was alright I got a nice flowery cushion."
The next morning their boyfriends are talking at work and the first one says: "I don't know about our lass, she came home last night with no knickers on and a rash around her parts." And the other says: "I don't know what you are worrying about, I found a card between her arsecheeks saying : Thanks for the good times! Love From All The lads At The Station.
(badoomtish) -
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence. (i thankyou...) -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agosam_spade wrote:
Two birds are walking home from a night out and decided to skip through the cemetery so they get home quicker.
One says "I'm dying for a wee. I need to go now"
The other says: "Me too. I'm going to go behind this gravestone." So they go off and do there thing. The first one comes back and says: "Bloody hell I've been stung by nettles. I've had to take me knickers off. It hurts so much."
The other says: "I was alright I got a nice flowery cushion."
The next morning their boyfriends are talking at work and the first one says: "I don't know about our lass, she came home last night with no knickers on and a rash around her parts." And the other says: "I don't know what you are worrying about, I found a card between her arsecheeks saying : Thanks for the good times! Love From All The lads At The Station.
(badoomtish)
/utterly, utterly doesn't get it.
/is probably stupid. -
Gretters wrote:
sam_spade wrote:
Two birds are walking home from a night out and decided to skip through the cemetery so they get home quicker.
One says "I'm dying for a wee. I need to go now"
The other says: "Me too. I'm going to go behind this gravestone." So they go off and do there thing. The first one comes back and says: "Bloody hell I've been stung by nettles. I've had to take me knickers off. It hurts so much."
The other says: "I was alright I got a nice flowery cushion."
The next morning their boyfriends are talking at work and the first one says: "I don't know about our lass, she came home last night with no knickers on and a rash around her parts." And the other says: "I don't know what you are worrying about, I found a card between her arsecheeks saying : Thanks for the good times! Love From All The lads At The Station.
(badoomtish)
/utterly, utterly doesn't get it.
/is probably stupid.
or blonde -
sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agoY'see.....oh forget it.
Or mouse over. -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoPeej headed off on his honeymoon. He booked himself and Mrs Peej on a flight to New Zealand and was all set to have the time of his life. Unfortunately, a hurricane came unexpectedly, the plane went down and was lost instantly.
Peej found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to four-star hotels, Peej had no idea what to do. So for the next six months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his StarWars Lego and his old life, and fixed his gaze at the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
The months dragged by until one day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," said Peej, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."
"There's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowing boat?"
"Oh simple," replied the woman, "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches and the sides and
stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered Peej. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"
"Oh that was no problem," the woman said, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly Peej confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As Peej looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone wall leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Peej could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed, "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, Peej accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Peej went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been so lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you have been longing for all these months? You know...."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean.....," replied Peej...........................
"I can access the Eurogamer Forum from here?"
[MH] -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agosam_spade wrote:
Y'see.....oh forget it.
Or mouse over.
Ahhhhh.
D'oh. -
Lutz 48,870 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 18 years agoROTFLMAO!!!! 
Edit: @ MH!
Edited by Lutz at 12:52:19 11-10-2004 -
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
10, Limerick Street,
CORK.
Dear Son,
I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't recognise the house when you get home because we've moved. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don't know if it's a boy or girl, so I can't tell you whether you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out. It only rained twice last week; once for a day and once for three days. I've sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there and they've already made him a court martial.
Your loving mother,
P.S. I was going to enclose £5 but I've already sealed the envelope. -
dadrester 2,560 posts
Seen 1 hour ago
Registered 18 years agowhy did the chicken go to the gents?
'cause that's where all the cocks hang out
/coat -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoA man walks into a bar...
[MH] -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years ago@MH: Ouch. -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoIt's almost too easy!
Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
[MH] -
Gretters 2,629 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 17 years agoMike_Hunt wrote:
It's almost too easy!
Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
[MH]
Nope, don't know that one... -
Lutz 48,870 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 18 years agoMike_Hunt wrote:
Once says to other, can you smell fish?
It's almost too easy!
Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
[MH] -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoLutz wrote:
Good job!
Mike_Hunt wrote:
Once says to other, can you smell fish?
It's almost too easy!
Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
[MH]
Ok, let's crank it up a notch:
Q: What's ET short for?
[MH] -
He's got little legs! -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoAn Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Irishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the Irishman's horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the the Enlgishmen was soon led away wimpering loudly.
The Scotsman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Scot replied, "in recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Englishman to my back."
[MH] -
Tiger_Walts 16,674 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 19 years agoHow many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?" -
Khanivor 44,800 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 20 years agoOk, as these jokes are based on pronunciation I don’t know how well they will work on the net. But they are the best jokes I can remember, so here goes… But first, try to imagine being told these jokes by someone with a Scottish accent. The first one should set you up:
Two coos standing in a field, which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
Ten coos standing in a field, which one hates Saddam Hussein?
Coo eight
What flies around in circles, carries a machine gun and goes moo?
A left wing military coo. -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoTiger_Walts wrote:
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
What do I win?!.gif)
[MH] -
What's a Greek Urn? -
Fiver an hour.
/types this in his sleep -
Satan wrote:
Damn why did that make me laugh.
Did ya hear the one about Christopher Reeve, Stephen Hawking and the World Trade Center ? -
Tiger_Walts 16,674 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 19 years agoA woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out
of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£450!" she cried. "£450 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £30. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up." -
Mike_Hunt 23,524 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoA scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes,
uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year.
The scouser said "Nah, you're bullsh*tting me!".
The man behind the counter said "Well you fu*kin' started it!"
[MH] -
Tiger_Walts 16,674 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 19 years agoA farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money." Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh! They're getting closer. -
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional... Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 23 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 25, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 26 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
[MH]
.gif)
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