Page 3 • Know any good jokes? • Non-Gaming • Humour • Eurogamer.net

Deleted user 11 October 2004 16:35:56

Mike_Hunt wrote:
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional... Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 23 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 25, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 26 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

[MH]

Sounds like my life! The big tits option works.....so far....

ChocNut 11 Oct 2004 17:11:49 2,471 posts
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Gretters wrote:

sam_spade wrote:
Two birds are walking home from a night out and decided to skip through the cemetery so they get home quicker.
One says "I'm dying for a wee. I need to go now"
The other says: "Me too. I'm going to go behind this gravestone." So they go off and do there thing. The first one comes back and says: "Bloody hell I've been stung by nettles. I've had to take me knickers off. It hurts so much."
The other says: "I was alright I got a nice flowery cushion."

The next morning their boyfriends are talking at work and the first one says: "I don't know about our lass, she came home last night with no knickers on and a rash around her parts." And the other says: "I don't know what you are worrying about, I found a card between her arsecheeks saying : Thanks for the good times! Love From All The lads At The Station.

(badoomtish)

/utterly, utterly doesn't get it.

/is probably stupid.

Ok I don't get it either - someone explain to thick me please

Mike_Hunt 11 Oct 2004 17:16:51 23,524 posts
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The second girl sat on a wreath.

[MH]

Deleted user 11 October 2004 18:29:03

ChocNut wrote:

Gretters wrote:

sam_spade wrote:
Two birds are walking home from a night out and decided to skip through the cemetery so they get home quicker.
One says "I'm dying for a wee. I need to go now"
The other says: "Me too. I'm going to go behind this gravestone." So they go off and do there thing. The first one comes back and says: "Bloody hell I've been stung by nettles. I've had to take me knickers off. It hurts so much."
The other says: "I was alright I got a nice flowery cushion."

The next morning their boyfriends are talking at work and the first one says: "I don't know about our lass, she came home last night with no knickers on and a rash around her parts." And the other says: "I don't know what you are worrying about, I found a card between her arsecheeks saying : Thanks for the good times! Love From All The lads At The Station.

(badoomtish)

/utterly, utterly doesn't get it.

/is probably stupid.

Ok I don't get it either - someone explain to thick me please

Thank you card in bunch of flowers from florists that she peed over....

dadrester 11 Oct 2004 18:35:35 2,560 posts
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another scottish accent joke...

how do you make a oija board?

take away his buckfast!

dadrester 11 Oct 2004 18:37:56 2,560 posts
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tengu wrote:
What's the opposite of Cristoph... No, No I can't do it, that's a little too far.

do it tengu... but maybe in this thread

[edit]on second thoughts maybe not today. didn't realise he died.

Edited by dadrester at 17:48:30 11-10-2004

guido 12 Oct 2004 11:25:03 499 posts
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Heard yesterday:

A young boy and his mother who are out shopping at the supermarket get separated so the boy wanders around lost for a bit.
A cashier says to him: "Ahh, have you lost your Mum?"
"Yeah," says the boy
"What's she like?" says the cashier
"Vodka and big c0cks."

Gretters 12 Oct 2004 11:41:13 2,629 posts
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In Toxteth a little girl watches her mum doing the washing up and asks: 'Mummy, why are your hands so soft?'

Her mother looks down and says: 'Because I'm twelve.'

Edit: kinda missed the important bit out there. D'oh.

Edited by Gretters at 10:41:54 12-10-2004

Tiger_Walts 14 Oct 2004 10:31:04 16,674 posts
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A man staggers into A&E one day with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor examining him asks him what had happened.

"Well, its like this.... I was out, having a round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball right into the middle of pasture of cows.

While looking for this golf ball, I noticed that one of the cows clearly had something up its ass. I walked over to it, lifted up its tail, and there the golf ball was..... That's when I made my BIG mistake..."

"So, What did you do?" asks the doctor. The man replies, "I lifted up the cows tail and called over to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Mike_Hunt 4 Nov 2004 16:50:14 23,524 posts
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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view
of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check he
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She
said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was
standing outside With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that You have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car .

[MH]

Mike_Hunt 24 Nov 2004 17:36:55 23,524 posts
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so he could see her a little out of the corner of his right eye

[MH]

Mike_Hunt 24 Nov 2004 17:40:48 23,524 posts
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I'm going to keep posting until someone laughs...

There was this fellow who worked for Post Office whose job it was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about".
So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living
on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had �100
in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.

Next week is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to
all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected �96,
which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went, and a few days later came another letter
to God from the old lady. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - we haven't gotten over it. By the way, there was �4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b@stards at the Post Office."

[MH]

gamingdave 24 Nov 2004 17:45:09 5,087 posts
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haha. likle the posty one

Mike_Hunt 14 Jan 2005 13:56:06 23,524 posts
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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two

piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people

around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fires, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man

came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for? She answered,

...

"The teeth."

[MH]

deem 30 Mar 2005 01:18:16 31,667 posts
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Post deleted

Deleted user 30 March 2005 01:19:43

Post deleted

Deleted user 30 March 2005 01:43:03

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out.

"Well, I suppose we answered that question," the egg mutters to no-one in particular.

deem 30 Mar 2005 01:48:20 31,667 posts
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Post deleted

Mike_Hunt 30 Mar 2005 10:40:30 23,524 posts
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deem wrote:
thats not funny. or good.

That's because you're dead inside.

[MH]

pjmaybe 30 Mar 2005 11:17:17 70,666 posts
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Favourite "Pissed up" joke...

A bloke's driving through the remote parts of the north york moors when he spies a poor soul thumbing a lift. Being a charitable sort, he pulls over and winds his window down to speak to the bloke...

Before he can do anything else, the bloke shoves a shotgun through the window and snarls "Get out"

Terrified the driver gets out...

"Pull down your trousers" says the bloke with the gun..

The driver protests but the bloke with the shotgun gestures madly at him, so the driver pulls down his trousers...

"Pull down your pants" says shotgun-blokey. The driver once again protests, but the bloke with the gun cocks it so the driver terrifiedly pulls down his pants..

"Now wank!" shouts the bloke. The driver wanks for all he's worth despite his nerves, and brings himself off.

"Again!" says the bloke with the gun. The driver just can't do it, so the bloke shoves the barrel in his ear. "WANK I SAID!" he shouts, so the poor driver does so again, bringing himself to an even weaker finish.

"AGAIN!" roars shotgun blokey. By now the driver's arms are aching, he's in pain, he's got nothing left in santa's sacks but he complies, managing to squeeze the last few dry flakes out...

"AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" roars shotgun blokey. By now the driver is in chronic pain. His arms are burning, his knob feels like it's been put through a mincing machine but amazingly he manages one last drip...

Satisfied, the bloke with the shotgun says "Wait there..."

He disappears behind a bush and brings out an absolutely stunning girl, huge tits, perfect arse, gorgeous face, absolutely stunning...

The bloke with the shotgun gestures to the woman...

"Right then, this is my shapely young teenage daughter, can you give her a lift to the next town?"

(It's funnier if you're drunk I guess!)

Peej

tengu 19 Apr 2005 22:18:38 10,294 posts
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tengu 19 Apr 2005 22:21:10 10,294 posts
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