Following The Poo Diaries

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  • twelveways 19 Feb 2014 09:09:46 7,131 posts
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    I thought it might be fun to have a thread dedicated to our toilet nightmares (mainly because it's not the kind of thing I feel comfortable discussing with my irl friends...).

    Apologies if this thread has already been done...

    **Caution - horrific imagery below**

    My saga started on Sunday morning. I woke up a little late and needed a poo, not urgently but there was some pressure on my bowels. As I was a bit short of time and I like to enjoy my dumps, I decided to wait until I was in work. I don't normally poo in work (I work in a school in China and the toilets are not too nice) and I had a 2 hour class to teach first thing but I thought I could hold it in until then.

    The class went well and there was no serious discomfort for the duration. The bell went and I merrily skipped along to the WC to drop my deuce and continue my day. However, as I entered the cubicle I noticed that there was a lack of toilet paper, I checked all the others but to no avail. Still in no state of urgency I walked to the local shop and bought some tissues and returned.

    Unfortunately, as I returned to work, my services were in demand, I had to have an emergency meeting with some parents and sort out some problems for my teachers (I am the head teacher). Surprisingly, after sorting these things out my poo had disappeared somewhere and I kind of forgot about it. I was even able to eat my lunch of potato fried with beef and rice.

    My day continued in a regular fashion and I paid very little attention to my bowels. I felt full but comfortable and, after work, I headed to the local bar with my colleagues. We drank until midnight when I went home to my girlfriend and fell asleep.

    In the morning the pressure had returned, I woke up and ran to the bathroom. I pulled down my kecks and gave a gentle push. Nothing. I strained a bit harder (but not too hard, I have had a hemmarhoid before) but still nothing. I sat there for a while willing the excrement to excrete and eventually I felt something move. It felt like a sofa had just dislodged itself from my stomach.

    Nothing was coming out of my bumhole, I couldn't even pass gas. I spread my cheeks a little more but it was useless, I knew that I had some serious pushing to do.

    After working up a sweat and a red face I could feel a little turtle head emerging, 'it will soon be over' I told myself but with that I felt another violent shift in my bowels and felt a stabbing pain somewhere deep inside. I checked my watch, 15 minutes had passed. I think that, somehow, my poo had rotated inside my guts, the pointed end that was primed to emerge first was now sticking into my colon.

    Gingerly, I wrapped a piece of tissue paper around my finger and gave a cautious probing to my brown eye. I could feel the natural chocolate up there but was horrified upon withdrawal to see the paper soaked in blood. This beast was trying to kill me from the inside.

    I didn't know what to do, there was no way I could call for help and still maintain a healthy relationship with my girlfriend so I decided to try and suck the turd back up into my bowels and try again (I don't know why this was a good idea). Obviously it didn't work. It was too big to come out and definitely too big to go back in.

    I checked my watch again, it had been 40 minutes now, I was drenched with sweat and had claw marks on my thighs from digging my nails in.

    There was only one thing for it, I had to try a guerrilla maneuver. Wrapping another piece of tissue around my fingers I cautiously entered the warzone. My mission was simple, divide and conquer. I had to break it up into smaller pieces in order to safely evacuate. I retched as I felt my finger enter the soft, putty-like mass but I soldiered on. I wiggled around as much as I could and withdrew my brave finger and gave another push, a raspy, subdued fart managed to escape. Joy! this was a breakthrough.

    Two more special forces missions were required before a single piece managed to plop out, I checked my watch again and 1 hour had passed. There was still no movement from further up and I began to worry that I was just compacting it further. I decided to try new squat techniques and performed a grotesque series of aerobics, jumping up and down, leaning back and forwards, opening and closing my legs and punching myself in the stomach.

    Suddenly, with absolutely no warning, everything came out. I have honestly never seen so much bodily waste in one go without peering into an open sewer. I felt drained, physically and emotionally. rising to the surface of all of this filth was a poo-ball the size of a tennis ball; I didn't want to touch but I knew that my gaping sphincter was the same size.

    My insides were mangled. I wiped with severe discomfort, as I was unable to put any pressure on the offending area I decided to shower as well. Walking back to the bedroom I had the gait of John Wayne, I felt violated and my insides felt loose. I was honestly worried that the elasticity of my sphincters would never return, I would just be freeflow shitting for the rest of my life.

    My girlfriend asked if I was ok but I couldn't reply, I just turned away from her, stared at the wall and wept like a baby, partly out of relief but also from pain.

    the pain lasted two days, I couldn't sleep and I was afraid to eat anything. Sitting down on anything other than the softest cushions would cause great discomfort.

    Thankfully the pain has subsided now but the fear never will. My word of advice, to all of you out there is to never hold it in, if you need to go then for gods sake just GO.

    If my tale prevents just one of you from going through what I endured then it was not in vain.

    God speed.

    Edited by twelveways at 09:32:08 19-02-2014
  • DFawkes Friendliest Forumite, 2016 19 Feb 2014 09:19:37 32,519 posts
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    I would've hoped this would go without saying, but if you have blood in your poo more often than this (partially self inflicted) case, do please see a medical professional. If your bowels are operating like some sort of compactor, there might be issues there.
  • mrpon 19 Feb 2014 09:20:37 36,273 posts
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  • imamazed 19 Feb 2014 09:21:08 6,419 posts
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    What did I just read?
  • Phattso 19 Feb 2014 09:23:29 25,473 posts
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    Have you considered stopping eating tennis balls?
  • twelveways 19 Feb 2014 09:23:40 7,131 posts
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    The blood wasn't in my poo, it was from my stretched skin. Unless I wipe over-vigorously then I never have blood down there.
  • twelveways 19 Feb 2014 09:24:28 7,131 posts
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    Phattso wrote:
    Have you considered stopping eating tennis balls?
    Don't tell me how to live my life!
  • neilka 19 Feb 2014 09:24:29 23,406 posts
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    Wasn't Anne Hathaway in the film version?
  • mikew1985 19 Feb 2014 09:25:51 14,754 posts
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    Good God man!
  • Deleted user 19 February 2014 09:27:17
    Jesus Navas!

    I'm going to the bog now but I'm scared!
  • Load_2.0 19 Feb 2014 09:28:33 31,885 posts
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    Who will play poo ball?
  • Load_2.0 19 Feb 2014 09:29:14 31,885 posts
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    You're doing it wrong.
  • Tomo 19 Feb 2014 09:30:58 17,805 posts
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    Some horrific imagery in there. Just how I wanted to start the day...
  • twelveways 19 Feb 2014 09:32:40 7,131 posts
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    Sorry, I have now put a little warning at the top.
  • askew 19 Feb 2014 09:42:03 21,554 posts
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    I had a similar traumatic experience at university. I had gotten severely constipated (blame too much coffee) and had tried to go several times, only to end up turtling. It wouldn't emerge any further, nor would it withdraw. I had to retire to bed knowing I had a secret between my cheeks. I could feel my anus stretching, and eventually called NHS Direct. I had images of being taken off to hospital and having the poo extracted with forceps. Alas, there was nothing they could do other than advising me to try and relax, whereby it would drop.

    I went into the shared shower and stood under the hot water for a good 30 mins, bracing and straining. And eventually delivered. Only then, I was stuck with a massive poo on the shower floor. I nipped into the kitchen to grab a plastic bag, scooped it in, and dropped it into the bin.

    Job done.
  • Load_2.0 19 Feb 2014 09:43:42 31,885 posts
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    What are you all eating? Newspaper, paste and hay?
  • Salaman 19 Feb 2014 09:44:05 23,838 posts
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    When I was 18, I spent a year in the US as an exchange student. The family had a son that was 17.
    A few months into my stay, I wanted to take a shower but the bathroom was occupied. It remained occupied for well over an hour. Finally my host brother emerged.
    I wanted to have a quick slash before hopping in the shower and to my horror, there were 3 or 4 tennis ball sized balls of poo floating in the toilet. I flushed but they didn't budge.
    It was both disgusting and terrifying to imagine what effort and pain you'd have to go through to birth those monsters.

    The same thing happened on 3 or 4 more occasions. Big lumps of unflushable poo in the toilet. I couldn't imagine what the guy's asshole must've looked like. A bit like twelveways' I guess.

    Remember kids, eat plenty of fibre!
  • imamazed 19 Feb 2014 09:44:23 6,419 posts
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    Shit thread.
  • askew 19 Feb 2014 09:44:27 21,554 posts
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  • challenge_hanukkah 19 Feb 2014 09:44:59 12,840 posts
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    You people need more fruit.
  • megastar 19 Feb 2014 09:46:50 17,238 posts
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    could do with some pictures too really
  • Ignatius_Cheese Moderator 19 Feb 2014 09:49:20 11,102 posts
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    Sounds like what you need is Chipotleaway.

    Also, no. Just no.
  • Benno 19 Feb 2014 09:52:46 11,724 posts
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    Great thread to read over a morning coffee! Nice story OP
  • anephric 19 Feb 2014 13:50:38 4,186 posts
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    There was a lady I quite fancied until one of her friends told me that quite often her poos get stuck inside her, and she has to hook them out with a finger because they've impacted into her bum wall. Although her friend also told me it's probably because of her obsessive predilection for anal sex. Decisions, decisions.

    Also, the image in my mind of girlies giggling in groups about nails and shopping and what men they fancied has forever been replaced with hard-faced women having serious proctological discussions.

    I believe there's a quite serious medical condition where you have a poo pocket and your dumps overshoot your bumhole and stab themselves in your bowel wall with depressingly regularity.
  • minky-kong 19 Feb 2014 13:56:09 14,595 posts
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    This thread is a perfect compliment to that discussion a few weeks ago where some weirdos said they wouldn't poo at work even if they needed to.

    Also while reading the thread I had the image of Randy Marsh on the shitter shouting "Oooooh hot hot hot hot!"
  • Load_2.0 19 Feb 2014 13:57:51 31,885 posts
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    What the fuck is up with all the "poo hooking"

    People have serious problems!
  • CosmicFuzz 19 Feb 2014 13:57:58 32,585 posts
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    Haha, oh good lord that had me in fits of laughter at work.

    So sorry to hear about your troubles, twelveways, but excellent posting!
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