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Day 4 & 5. I'm slightly behind on my word count. http://nanodrivel.blogspot.co.uk/2017/11/off-season-day-4-5.html Edit: I'm having font colour problems for some reason. Everything is grey instead of black. Edited by rice_sandwich at 17:12:56 05-11-2017 |
NaNoWriMo 2017 aka write ten pages then give up • Page 8
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Skirlasvoud 4,039 posts
Seen 4 months ago
Registered 11 years ago@Carbon_Altered
I thought the exposition was interesting, but I can't help but feel a little deflated because of it.
When I read your first chapter, my mind was racing to come up with my own explanations, which gave your world an amount of depth and intrigue no writer could have inspired by himself. Had you kept up the same manner of writing, you'd have subtly nudged my imagination in the right direction wherever I was wrong.
Now that things have been explained, I can't help but shake that some of the magic is gone.
When I first started reading, I was imagining an outlandish steampunk world, with the haemorrhages being an intriguing magical/technological phenomena of creepy and unknown origin that would inform and enrich the rest of the world. I imagined things like the old man having a little bowler hat to go with his tweed outfit. The Drone was actually a copper-piped contraption with a gramophone speaker sticking out. The mind does funny things when it needs to fill in the blanks and those were the things that occurred to me when concepts such as a gondola strapped to hot air balloon, a cat on a rope, or a steering committee were introduced.
Could be my fault though! I really enjoy fantasy sci-fi set in a crapsack world where people have taken to the sky. I've read/played quite a few and this is where my associations came from.
Now that I know it's simply a continuation of our world, or at least closely associated with it, some of the outlandishness of the setting has passed. The plain way in which the haemorrhages have been explained, took away some of the magic. The drone is simply one of those that you pick off the shelves in the upper-end electronics stores in our world.
I am fascinated by Buoyancy being a currency! Reminds me a bit of certain Hawaiian societies that didn't have portable currency, but entire gardens of chiselled, immovable slabs of stone that they'd point to as certain ones being theirs and being worth something. One day they were transporting such a slab to the island and it sank with the boat. Rather than the currency being lost, the island simply agreed that the slab - now at the bottom of the sea - was still part of their network and could be traded in spirit, rather than physically, as one of the very first examples as money being a concept, rather than tangible.
I wonder what happens when one of your sky-cities hits an economic depression. Currency deflation? Inflation?
All in all I'm going to try and ignore chapter 2 somewhat and carry the expectations and excitement build by chapter 1 forward towards the next chapter instead.
Edited by Skirlasvoud at 17:01:11 05-11-2017
Edited by Skirlasvoud at 17:27:51 05-11-2017 -
@Carbon_Altered
I think your exposition stuff reads just fine. It puts things in context and gives the reader more info. If I was you I'd leave it in. At worst it'll help to set a chronology in your mind. Who knows, you might move it somewhere else or end up binning it. You won't know until you're done. I'd strongly encourage you to get any and all ideas down.
I'm not very good at providing detailed feedback. All I can say is that I'm enjoying all the stories and I'd like to see them all completed. I guess I'm reading with 'first draft eyes' and am not inclined to be too critical at this very early stage. Get it done then worry about polishing and editing later on. -
@sunjumper
Thanks for the feedback. I'm just chugging along and doing what I can. I thought I'd be writing more descriptively but it's not working out that way and it's coming out fairly plainly. I'm ok with that as I can work a bit faster. -
FogHeart 1,270 posts
Seen 3 weeks ago
Registered 14 years agoYeah, watching BBC1 right now, I see the first few seconds of Blue Planet II and think oh for fucks sake, it's like I haven't been thinking about this story for years... -
sunjumper 3,548 posts
Seen 2 weeks ago
Registered 20 years agoSome more feedback.
@FogHeart
Matthew
The Lovecraft vibes are very strong in this story. No idea if that is a compliment for you or annoying. You should see it as a compliment these stories work very well and I haven’t read one in a long time. So while the general feeling of horror is one well know I read this in anticipation because I’d love to know which kind of horror befell the R.V. Mimas.
Another thing is your prose which seems to fit perfectly into these years feeling of grey melancholy. The way you write is beautiful.
This: “Looking out to the horizon, seeing nothing but restlessly moving water, and every moment occupied by busywork. Eventually feeling that nothing can reach you, not the demons within nor the adversaries without. And the sea accepts your sorrow and your sins, it swallows them whole and can take as much as you have to pour into it. It's a massive heat sink. Saltwater is an emollient for memories that burn.” is just great. It is bleak but not in an oppressive way and it conveys the feeling of the vastness of the ocean.
I also liked the description of Simon’s office.
A slow start but this is the way it should be. This is a story one savours on a long winter autumn or winter evening, slowly sinking into its depths.
@The12thMonkey
Holly part 2
2020? That is an interesting time jump. Only oh so very slightly in the future.
Also interesting to see the quick rise and fall of that archaeological site and Holly staying where she is. I wonder why she did that.
The words flow well and the feeling is sombre all the way through. The letter at the end does not come as that big a surprise but simply fits very much into the picture you have painted so far. You too seem to be following down the merry trail of melancholy tales for 2017. It is a bit of a change of mood coming from the far more humorous initial part but these NaNo stories tend to go where ever they like and it is not as if the quality of the writing has suffered in any way.
My curiosity is piqued because this is a story that is taking part in the nearish future. I wonder why this is. (In a good way) And I do wonder about Holly and why she got stranded in that place. I also want to know what will happen next.
Anthony
The conversation after telephone rings is rather confusing as I have no idea who is talking with who and it is not clear from the things that are being said. Still the scene itself is good. I feel for Anthony.
And the stakes have just risen quite meteorically, haven’t they?! O_o
Earthquakes and extremely urgent emergency calls?
Oh and suspicious dude at the car. I will single him out as Chekhov’s dude for the moment.
Luftwaffe? Huh…
Now that chapter changed tack dramatically. I have no idea what is going on and I am scratching my screen in the hope that it will produce the next chapter.
Well done!
Edited by sunjumper at 00:02:37 06-11-2017 -
@FogHeart
Re the Lovecraft comparisons. I think that's a good thing as long as you leave out HP's propensity for extremely turgid prose and the racist bits. -
Skirlasvoud 4,039 posts
Seen 4 months ago
Registered 11 years ago -
Skirlasvoud 4,039 posts
Seen 4 months ago
Registered 11 years ago@The12thMonkey
The12thMonkey wrote:
I’m a fine mix of confused and intrigued after that. And that’s not a bad thing!
Next Character.
There are some hints about the shape the story may take in this part.
Thanks for all the feedback so far, I've made some tweaks based on it.
Why are there pills everywhere?
The Luftwaffe? In a setting with helicopters?
What on Earth is making those tremors? I thought it was an oil platform until I saw the character wake up in a suburban area, but then, where is it coming from?
Why is the character hated?
How do all these questions connect?
Do go on! I want to find out. Put me out of my curiosity. Its clear there’s more to this setting than I thought.
I’ve got other remarks too, but I want this sorted first! -
The12thMonkey 598 posts
Seen 6 hours ago
Registered 17 years agoOkay, I think I need to clear up the Luftwaffe bit...
Anthony lives in Hull. I describe his route (a route I know well from my days at uni), and he picks out the gaps in the buildings on Spring Bank. This road was very badly hit in the war and the missing pieces are still very obvious - there are braces on the sides of buildings because they've lost the support of the buildings that were lost.
This is a feature right across the city. I was just trying to add some local flavour. It was supposed to be nice for anyone familiar with the place, but I guess it comes across as closed off in the current draft. I'll fix that up with some edits.
I'm 8400 words in so far, so I think it's coming along quite well. SHould hit 10k by the end of the day -
@The12thMonkey
I had assumed it was something like that re the Luftwaffe but I can see how it could be confusing. Looking forward to reading more. -
Not much progress on the story during this morning's commute. Several new ideas and character development lines came to me which somewhat complicate my original story outline.
I'm thinking I'll run with the word vomit and see what needs chopping out at the end.
How's everyone else doing? -
sunjumper 3,548 posts
Seen 2 weeks ago
Registered 20 years agoThe12thMonkey wrote:
That makes a lot of sense.
Okay, I think I need to clear up the Luftwaffe bit...
Anthony lives in Hull. I describe his route (a route I know well from my days at uni), and he picks out the gaps in the buildings on Spring Bank. This road was very badly hit in the war and the missing pieces are still very obvious - there are braces on the sides of buildings because they've lost the support of the buildings that were lost.
This is a feature right across the city. I was just trying to add some local flavour. It was supposed to be nice for anyone familiar with the place, but I guess it comes across as closed off in the current draft. I'll fix that up with some edits.
I'm 8400 words in so far, so I think it's coming along quite well. SHould hit 10k by the end of the day
When reading I had several scenarios in my mind. One of them was what you described, but I wondered why the damage had not been repaired.
Then following the bleak and apocalyptic tone and that the story is set a few years in the future I started to wonder whether the situation in the UK was not even worse than expected.
Oh and Anthony seems to be this ][ close to a cardiac arrest, that does not bode well. -
Skirlasvoud 4,039 posts
Seen 4 months ago
Registered 11 years ago@Carbon_Altered
How are you doing Carbon_Altered? I tend to be very detailed with my criticism out of excitement, but rice_sandwich is right that it might be a little too early to be heavy with that. I didn't scare you off, did I? I'm looking forward to chapter 3!
As for me: I've had a rotten couple of days. I'm too tired to write. Tomorrow I've a day off though! Think I'll sequester myself to a library all day and get some writing done. Apparently I can't focus at home. -
@Skirlasvoud
Friendly, encouraging criticism is fine and I'm sure most of us welcome it. I think it's important to acknowledge that we're looking at seat of the pants, first draft word vomit for the most part. It's not going to be great reading.
Pointing out basic stuff like chronology or where things are confusing etc. is very helpful as the writer often forgets that the reader doesn't know what they do.
The second draft is where it's going to get interesting. Hopefully we'll all make it through to that stage. -
The12thMonkey 598 posts
Seen 6 hours ago
Registered 17 years agorice_sandwich wrote:
100% I'm throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks.
first draft word vomit
Edit: Alice
Editedit: long day at work, so I'll catch up with the entries I've missed tomorrow.
Edited by The12thMonkey at 20:19:59 06-11-2017
Edited by The12thMonkey at 20:25:11 06-11-2017 -
@The12thMonkey
Good work on Alice's intro. I like how you manage to pack a lot of character background info into only a couple of pages. So we've got three characters on the go, all with different lives and experiences. I get the feeling that things aren't going to go well from here on in.
The near future scenario is interesting and opens up all sorts of possibilities. Looking forward to reading more.
Edited by rice_sandwich at 08:16:32 07-11-2017 -
Carbon_Altered 890 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 15 years agoRight, I've had a mare of a couple of days and am now 4,000 words behind target. Not giving up though.
Thanks for all the feedback - none of it is at all offputting, rather much valued for future updates.
My chapter 2 of exposition was more a means to an end. I'd been butting my head against the wall on how to integrate it into the story, but in the end just needed something down on paper.
@Skirlasvoud sorry it's not steampunk! I love that stuff too, but for nano I set out with the express intention of getting to that outlandish sort of eccentric floating world, but within the confines of the "real" world. I like trying to come up with paths and economies that we could (semi) believably transition to.
Thanks all again
(I'll be back with feedback later) -
Carbon_Altered 890 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 15 years agoOh bum, I added up wrong, it's 5,000 behind target and only a week in. What a mess! -
@Carbon_Altered
Just write more. Don't think too much about it and get words on the page. Spending too much time is a waste of time during the first draft stage. -
sunjumper 3,548 posts
Seen 2 weeks ago
Registered 20 years ago@Carbon_Altered
I agree with rice_sandwich, just keep writing.
No matter how little, just follow your story. I love reading your work and it is espacially nice seeing how you improve as a writer year by year. Your opening chapter is really strong, carries your trademark style of strong human characters and that friendly sense of humour set in a grim world. Oh and talking about trademarks again you present us with a very interesting world full of strange and fascinating bits.
I'd love to read on for hundreds of pages but if you just manage a chapter a week or just a few fragments here and there, that's OK too. I'd rather have a world where there is a bit of Carbon_Altered prose than in one where there is none at all. -
Carbon_Altered 890 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 15 years ago@FogHeart It's a talent to go from making me laugh "It's a phrase for another time, the sort of thing a man with mutton chops would exclaim while raising a lantern" to what was a really touching description of how cancer tore apart his world.
Looking forward to finding out about Simon/the trip. -
Carbon_Altered 890 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 15 years ago@The12thMonkey Anthony - a nice change of pace here from the preceding Holly stuff, I feel like I know the basics of the character but want to know a hell of a lot more about what is causing the tremors (never mind smearing crap on his car!)
Small issue for second edit was the initial dialogue - three people who the reader doesn't know having two separate conversations was hard to make sense of. -
FogHeart 1,270 posts
Seen 3 weeks ago
Registered 14 years agoI wrote up more yesterday, but got bogged down in 'research'. This third bit, or maybe this bit and the bit after, are the problem ones as I am introducing more characters, dialogue, and a bit of 'procedural' (flying out to Antarctica, describing the work they do in the sea) and I don't want to bog things down with minutae. Once the 'work' gets interrupted things will start to pick up. And then fall apart. -
@FogHeart
If you think you might get bogged down by details you can always tag the paragraph with a note and get back to it later. Anything to keep the story flowing e.g.
[* Add gubbins about the Ross Ice Shelf & ice core stratigraphy in 2nd draft]
I wouldn't even worry about it all making sense or joining together. It's not that important until you have a whole story to play with, imo. -
Day 7. Finally at the hotel!
http://nanodrivel.blogspot.co.uk/2017/11/off-season-day-7.html -
@rice_sandwich
I want to know more about Olive. Mature student? Someone who happened to live near campus that they met on a night out? My feeling is that Olive is going to feature much more once he actually gets to the hotel, in his dreams / the other stuff going on.
I've got some thoughts on this passage, though;
“At first I thought I should tell you. I mean, I know fine well what she meant to you. But I hesitated for some reason. I wasn’t sure how you’d take it, so I left it and then forgot about it. It’s not like I talked to her that often at the start. Then we had that trouble with Kate - you remember, when she had to get the operation on her ankle. After that I was just starting up the bakery and before you know it, once I thought about it again I thought I’d left it too long and I felt I couldn’t mention it. It just seemed awkward.”
I found it a bit odd that, although Harry has just put Christian on the spot, Christian is rather articulate in response. Wouldn't he umm and ahh a bit more, or repeat himself?
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