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So after years and years of procrastinating over this issue, the missus and I decided not to have any children a few days ago. This was driven by a number of things, mainly Selfishness, if I'm perfectly honest - we prefer and enjoy our current lifestyle, i.e. you do what you want to do, or, well... just don't. From simple things like sleeping in, to more 'crazy' stuff like travelling across the world at short notice, change jobs, take career breaks, move to other places temporarily or permanently. All that will either be impossible or just very hard with (and disruptive for) kids. Neither of us feel particularly paternal/maternal at this stage. While in the beginning of our relationship (almost 10 years now) we weren't as aligned on this (I was less eager), we are now. Always made sure she knew I'd be ok with kids if she wanted to though. Although neither of us were really ever going crazy over other people's babies; personally I'm more partial towards pets to be honest (but still probably wouldn't want to own one for above reasons, until later maybe). Also, by the time our offspring would reach 20, we'd be close to retirement age. This basically would mean worrying about your kids for the rest of your life, not to mention the financial burden assuming cost for higher education etc. We are financially pretty well off (now at least, things can always change), but there's still the pressure of having to bring money in until we die (almost) to support a child in an ever more consumerist society. I do think we'd be decent parents, and would be able to bring up the child in pretty good surroundings, but then that'll just create another privileged kid who isn't aware of said privilege, right?! Only half joking here. Anyways, thing is, we still feel pretty guilty about it, and at the same time relieved and excited about the possibilities (see first para) this opens up to us. For now we always planned our life towards eventually having a baby, settle down, save money, mortgage and maybe even purchase that god damn family van. Now we feel we can take more risks and maybe do things we wouldn't have normally done, like set up a business, or take an overseas job assignment. Basically just live the good, sweet life as much as we can, or want to. What we are particularly concerned about though are the reactions of friends and family (we haven't told anyone yet, not even sure if we even should do so formally, other than maybe the parents), especially those who already have children. We already experienced some snidey comments along the lines of "you can't ever complain about anything as you don't have kids!". Maybe also combined with some disappointment on their side that we're not providing a play buddy for their kids, or a fun distraction for our parents (though this is more on her side). Not that we would yield to that sort of peer pressure - not the right reason to have kids in our mind, as we'd be the ones responsible, not them, but still - for the parents I do feel a bit sorry for. It does feel like (and well I suppose it is!) a massive life changing decision to make. Our biggest fear really is to have regrets years later, given our current age we have maybe 2-3 years at best after which it would be irresponsible. Although right now we're hopeful that those regrets won't creep in, but you just never know. Bit of a wall of text there in the end, sorry. Just really wanted to hear if any of you went through this already, and what your experiences were like, especially with friends and family. |
Not having children in 2017 (and beyond)
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challenge_hanukkah 14,394 posts
Seen 42 minutes ago
Registered 8 years agoIt's the right move.
I have a kid and they're a bit shit really. -
Kostabi 5,926 posts
Seen 3 days ago
Registered 16 years agoThere are too many people in the world anyway. Enjoy life on your terms. -
quadfather 39,069 posts
Seen 3 days ago
Registered 11 years agoI made the same decision a while ago (I'm 45). My mum was 42 when she had me and the distance between myself and my folks limited the strength of the bond. Still great and all that shit but the way my life has twisted and turned I cannot see it happening. However, if I met someone younger and it worked out etc then I may reconsider. Note - may reconsider, depending on the situation.
I have no illusions of grandeur, and am aware of how great it is to have kids, however I can't fully comment as I obviously don't have any of my own.
But at the end of the day, we're made to procreate and keep things going from a genetic level. However, I also see that people can just be a couple and leave it at that.
It's quite strange really, because when you make this decision, it enables you to focus on your own mortality in a realistic way and removes some of the white noise in the background (see your comment regarding snidey comments - whatever - leave them to it - it's your decision) which helps you focus on what it is you want.
I see it as a decision that you have to make which both answers have pros and cons, but you have to make it at some point anyway.
And it sounds like you've both discussed it properly in an adult way (amazing how so many people don't) to map the road ahead, if you like.
Had a few beers etc so rambling but hopefully you get the point -
LittleSparra 7,926 posts
Seen 3 years ago
Registered 6 years agoI've often thought life would be preeetty, preeeetty good if I had no kids and an ever-increasing salary (hah). Also abstract too many people in world, no more plz
But at the same time I love my parents so much and enjoy my relationship with them, and I think I want that.
Just not the bit between... 0 and 21. -
Tonka 31,979 posts
Seen 2 hours ago
Registered 18 years agoDon't feel guilty. Putting new life to this fucking hell hole of a world is a cruel and selfish thing to do. I'm glad to hear you and your partner have found what makes you happy. Keep living the life.
I say this as a proud father of two. Each to their own etc. -
richarddavies 8,312 posts
Seen 9 hours ago
Registered 13 years agochallenge_hanukkah wrote:
This. I've got two, a 10 and a 12 year old. Neither of em are working yet, lazy shits.
It's the right move.
I have a kid and they're a bit shit really. -
KD 3,575 posts
Seen 7 hours ago
Registered 16 years agoI can understand where your coming from but imo having children and extending the family name another generation is what we are here for, no kids myself yet but would love to some time soon.
World can be shit but the kid you could have might make a change for the better not just for you but for all of us somehow. -
elstoof 28,125 posts
Seen 9 hours ago
Registered 16 years agoThey’re not for everyone -
Roddy100 1,090 posts
Seen 39 minutes ago
Registered 16 years agoIt's much better to realise that kids aren't for you than to have them anyway and regret it. Your decision is a wise one.
I love my two kids more than anything but do occasionally feel envious of childless couples and all their time, money and freedom. -
Gotcha quaddy (and cheers, wouldn't mind a beer myself now).
About the snidey comments, that actually has some weight in my case as that already led to some fallout within the family. Without trying to get into too much detail, we've been accussed of not visiting enough and as a result apparently not caring about their kids, I disagreed, followed by radio silence from their side now for some time. (Some) people change in weird ways once they dropped 'em - in our situation them thinking that the world now evolves around them because they decided to make babies. -
the_milkybar_kid 8,474 posts
Seen 6 days ago
Registered 7 years agoCan't blame anyone for not wanting kids. Such a massive change to your lives. We're due our second (and last) next year and it's fucking great (when a little person isn't having a meltdown on you), but life was fucking great before.
Live your life how you want and enjoy it. -
quadfather 39,069 posts
Seen 3 days ago
Registered 11 years agoLittleSparra wrote:
This is one of the things I was thinking about when I posted. Now that my dad has gone and my mum no longer recognises anything anymore, it's put life firmly in perspective whether I like it or not. Obviously I don't.
But at the same time I love my parents so much and enjoy my relationship with them, and I think I want that.
But it does also make you feel about your own mortality and also the children aspect as well. Massively.
I can't help digressing unfortunately, but it's been brought up now.
I'm a weird way, it's made the thought of children more appealing in some ways, and definitely not in others.
Fuck knows, I'm at a crossroads anyway.
In fact I'm going to be quiet!! -
Skirlasvoud 4,039 posts
Seen 4 months ago
Registered 11 years agoI never understood why people act like not having any children is selfish and having kids is somehow a noble sacrifice.
From a biological standpoint, having children is the most selfish, egotistical thing you can do. It's driven by a desire to put more of yourself out there in the forms of meaty bags of your own DNA, under the assumption that your own genetic continuation is entitled to all the resources, time and energy that it will inevitably consume over the span of its life.
The only reason most parents think theirs is god's gift to this world, is the fact the child is a reflection of themselves - a vessel - plus a heady dose of hormones. If it weren't for the fact it was an incomplete, 50% copy, Narcissus would've been given a child instead of a pool of water to stare into.
No offence to those of you who have kids. Hell, you kinda deserve if you manage to put up with raising it. Still... if you think about it without a parent's feelings on the matter...
Edited by Skirlasvoud at 18:40:20 01-11-2017 -
LittleSparra wrote:
If I were to choose a time I'd pick between 3-10, as I'd say parenthood will be the most rewarding as you can shape the character of your child the most, after that, shitty other kids and life in general just muddies the water again.
Just not the bit between... 0 and 21.
The crying baby period throughout the first few years is a right turn off, such is the beginning of puberty. If I had a daughter, I'd be the Robert De Niro of dads, if I had a son I'd be in constant fear if little SYS knocking up his female class mates. -
@Tonka cheers. We genuinely worry about the future, with automation and all that jazz happening. Maybe it's overly pessimistic (it most likely is) but I can only imagine the type of pressure kids in the future will have to go through to get a decent job. Unless Universal income prevails and everyone becomes a lazy slacker. -
I've got 4.......
Please hold me. -
It's not a requirement for life, had my first this year and it's amazing but I'd imagine if I didn't know any different I'd have been happy regardless -
KD wrote:
Optimistic view, and that's fair enough - I would counter that though with (remote) family experiences where the only son of rich parents ended up with bad company in his low tweens, alcoholism, stole from his mum and almost ruined her financially. Guess it can go either way /superbob
I can understand where your coming from but imo having children and extending the family name another generation is what we are here for, no kids myself yet but would love to some time soon.
World can be shit but the kid you could have might make a change for the better not just for you but for all of us somehow. -
DUFFMAN5 26,890 posts
Seen 9 hours ago
Registered 17 years ago@SYS64738
I have two children and love them and being a dad, but good on you mate, sounds like you have made the right choice for you and your missus, and that is all that counts. -
oibignose 62 posts
Seen 3 months ago
Registered 15 years agolike most world weary parents here I whole heartedly endorse your decision. -
quadfather 39,069 posts
Seen 3 days ago
Registered 11 years agoDUFFMAN5 wrote:
Basically this.
@SYS64738
I have two children and love them and being a dad, but good on you mate, sounds like you have made the right choice for you and your missus, and that is all that counts. -
Rogueywon 12,387 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 16 years agoIf you're worried that you might be missing out, try re-creating the experience by doing the following:
- Go into your kitchen and take a dump in a leaky plastic container.
- Take a friend (preferably a short one, so it's more convincing) to Tesco and ask them to throw a 30 minute tantrum in the sweets aisle. Make sure they remember to throw themselves on the floor and refuse to get up.
- Put on your squeakiest, most annoying voice and record the phrase "Are we nearly there yet?" into your phone. Play it back on loop and on speaker during every car, train and plane journey you go on.
- Get in touch with your local police force and ask them whether they could wake you up at 3AM one morning and invite you down to the station to discuss a little incident involving underage drinking, theft and criminal damage.
- Donate a few tens of thousands of pounds to a university of your choice. If you want to hand it over to one of the better universities, then build up to it by first making some even bigger donations to a private school/tutor, or - better yet - on buying a shit house in the catchment area for a really good comprehensive for a truly staggering sum.
That gets you two decades of the parenting experience in the course of a couple of days! -
I'm 95% certain I'll never have children.
It'd be practically quite hard as I'm single, and it'd be economically disastrous, but more than that I just don't have any desire or urge to have kids.
Fortunately as a bloke I get spared questions about wanting or having kids most of the time, I know some women who get asked about it on a regular basis. -
Rogueywon wrote:
/takes notes
If you're worried that you might be missing out, try re-creating the experience by doing the following:
- Go into your kitchen and take a dump in a leaky plastic container.
- Take a friend (preferably a short one, so it's more convincing) to Tesco and ask them to throw a 30 minute tantrum in the sweets aisle. Make sure they remember to throw themselves on the floor and refuse to get up.
- Put on your squeakiest, most annoying voice and record the phrase "Are we nearly there yet?" into your phone. Play it back on loop and on speaker during every car, train and plane journey you go on.
- Get in touch with your local police force and ask them whether they could wake you up at 3AM one morning and invite you down to the station to discuss a little incident involving underage drinking, theft and criminal damage.
- Donate a few tens of thousands of pounds to a university of your choice. If you want to hand it over to one of the better universities, then build up to it by first making some even bigger donations to a private school/tutor, or - better yet - on buying a shit house in the catchment area for a really good comprehensive for a truly staggering sum.
That gets you two decades of the parenting experience in the course of a couple of days!
Had my fair share of stories about projectile already, somehow other parents fail to sell it all very poorly! -
Not-a-reviewer 7,686 posts
Seen 3 days ago
Registered 7 years agoNot having kids by choice is a selfish decision, doesn't mean it's a bad thing you're just choosing things like more money and freedom (and what you can do with both) as your way of getting happy in life.
The people that are extreme against those that don't have, or do have kids are equally annoying. How others choose to live their life is their issue if they're not harming others.
Edited by reviewer at 19:04:39 01-11-2017 -
Load_2.0 33,582 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 18 years agoI would like kids, well one as I'm old! But time is against me and I'm not in a relationship.
But all I'm thinking about is the positives, Christmases, Birthdays, Relentlessly teasing them and embarrassing in front of their friends.
The realities of sleepless nights, puke and poop, endless mess and no more lazing about isn't super appealing.
I think I'm going to look back and regret not making more effort but hey ho. -
robc84 15,553 posts
Seen 2 weeks ago
Registered 9 years agoI love my two kids to bits, they're great. But sometimes I just want to chill out for a few days, sleep in, play some games etc, but it's not an option.
As others have said, each to their own. It would be worse to have kids that you don't really want and resent them for it! -
KD 3,575 posts
Seen 7 hours ago
Registered 16 years ago@SYS64738 Thanks, I cant answer for others but my family been amazing to me growing up, bit shit last few years with a close family member losing a few before birth so had that aspect probably affect me a bit and would love to make my parents grandparents soon.
Had a conversation with a trans friend of mine, MtF and I talked them into getting some sperm froozen even tho they hate all the blood relatives they have and despise kids, never know what the future will bring.
I also get to go see a another friend of mine and he has 4 kids and went for the snip, his job is done and cant fault him. His bunch are amazing and after giving them a Shih Tzu puppy a few years ago I hit legend status with his kids and they just make me laugh now and thats a good change from normally me being depressed etc.
Edited by KD at 19:22:30 01-11-2017 -
Thing is also, we can really keep the best of both worlds by spending time and playing with our friends' kids and nieces and nephews. All fun no admin, sort of. Will probably wind their parents up even more though.
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