That post on page 1 was a one-time cameo to get our hopes up, wasn't it?
NaNoWriMo 2018 • Page 4
Salaman 23,333 posts
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I'm up to date now, and the wedding is all out the way (my speech was worth a very sparse 800 words, so I doubt that counts ). It was before the meal, so I didn't want to try the patience of people waiting for their dinner!
Right, I've read this all in a bit of a condensed session, so I hope I didn't miss bits that do explain areas of my feedback.
I agree that the roof collapse felt a little rushed. It seems like this should have been a much bigger event.
I like Jenny and Edmund's chatter, especially in the last chapter. Of all the characters, they feel like they have a history. I know some of that history is spelled out, but my personal preference is to hint at histories through actions, recollections, and conversation, and then pay details off later if required. Their friendship seems very genuine, though
I did enjoy Edmund's phone call to the skip hire, too. I like writing (and reading) half-heard conversations, because it gives the reader a space for their imagination to take part in the world. I smiled through pretty much all of that bit.
800 words for a best man speech? You really know what hungry people want! As long as they were put on the page with care you did a good job.
Thank you for your feedback, yours and that of Carbon show that I am actually getting better in my writing and that when I have the feeling that something is good other people do actually agree with me. That is actually very encouraging.
And here's Chapter 11. I'm finally getting everyone in place and it looks like I get to reach 'plot-twist' point in the not so distant future.
So, I said I'd post something eventually...
Fourth of August
Chapter 9 awkward first sentence, I think there must be a typo? Ditto at the end (I think you mean "alright" rather than "alight" unless that is some brilliant foreshadowing!
Bit in-between it was more good stuff. Like the line about teenagers being the adults they knew they could. Also nice how you're turning my expectation of a haunted basement on its head explaining how happy/safe it felt. Very interesting.
Let's have a look.
Fourth of August
I like the intro. It needs a tiny bit of polish to get the flow right at the very beginning. I suspect that you reworked this part a couple of times? It reads like something that has gone through a few revisions. However the scene provides the reader with a strong sense about the people we they are seeing. It is relaxed, it gets the family vibe across pretty well and that half chatter you like? You do it very well here. It feels natural and good natured and at this early point you are already giving out many hints that something isnít quite right in this world. The summit, the military an airport that was shut down by the government and that the protagonist and his sister had to be careful. There is a lot of clever exposition hidden in the scene that does a lot of heavy lifting. It gives me a good feel about both the world and the two people in the room.
This bit here: ďJon spent so much of the briefing worried that Rachel was not paying attention, that he had to keep prompting himself to pay attention [Ö]Ē is great. Very human and relatable.
The explosion (?) during the helicopter ride certainly has caught my attention. Was that a nuclear explosion?
The crash and the underwater scene are incredibly tense. Well done.
The rescue did not let go of the tension.
You now have my undivided attention.
I liked the introduction a lot; there is enough warmth and humanity in the first scene to make me care about Jon and Rachel; combined with the them crashing and being stranded on an island in a time of what appears to be a serious crisis wants me to know more immediately. This has a very high Ďpage-turnerí potential.
Iím not quite sure about the Ďotherí voice that is commenting what is happening. At first I thought these were the doubts Jon was having, later in the chapter I was not so sure about that anymore. Right now Iím ambivalent about it. You could leave it away and lose nothing, however I am curious about where you are going with this.
I hope you find the time to write more soon.
Thank you for the feedback. It actually helps me a lot with writing the story as I get to see some reactions early on before I can write myself into a corner.
The chapter you just read is mostly a reaction to feedback. When I started writing the basement was just a basement, but it became clear that everyone who read it saw it as something important, something I nearly missed.
Exploring the basement also gave me the chance to go back to the original idea and flavour of the story as I had intended it to go last year. This yearís version was getting lost in trivialities and this intermission helped me find the focus of the story again.
Oh and you are right about the typos. It was late at night and the 'monitor' is far away making it easy to miss details.
Edited by sunjumper at 00:19:37 23-11-2018
Edited by sunjumper at 01:36:18 23-11-2018
This one is a bit hit and miss again.
And I think I am getting close to character overkill here as more and more people keep appearing. There is at least one main character that needs to be introduced and because of a plot development there are some more people who also need to enter the story. This kind of works with the type of story this is but I realise that his is turning into a bit of a mess. I do hope it is a lovable mess though.
Edited by sunjumper at 01:36:49 23-11-2018
Iím continuing to fall further and further behind target, but Iím still writing. Not a productive day today but another 600 or so words down regardless. Iím at about 16k now, and getting close to the point Iíll have to pause and do some plotting to get from the current state of play to the next story waypoint.
Nevermind the wordcount. It helps as a target towork towards. But there comes a point where it is better to see it as strictly aspirational. It is more important to keep writing rather than deciding that one has lost the race and give up completely.
While I have had a more then decent run this month I too will fall short around 10k this year. But I'm happy to just write. I'm learning a lot while I'm doing it and it is helping me in understading the actual craft of writing a story better.
Keep up the good work BearFishPie. I hope you'll have something that you can post again in the near future.
@sunjumper Thank you! Iíll be putting something new up at some point soon, but Chapter 2 is in an appalling state at the moment, and the narrative is pretty linear. As such Iím a little reluctant to put the next part of the story up until Iíve overhauled that bit.
I'm looking forward to it. And don't worry you don't need to show us anything you are not comfortable with.
I for my part have finished Chapter 13 which at the same time represents a welcome speeding up of events only to turn into some strange character driven scenes again.
At least I am finally in sight of the plot-twistish bit of the story.
Right now I think that the 'story' itself is a mess, but for a change it is mostly because of characters not shutting up. Usually I lose my characters because the plot wants to advance and they are standing in the way.
I liked the marble in the quary wondering what it will grow into, instantly helped me picture the bathroom. It's little touches like that you are so good at.
More very nice people doing things for free/cheap at the old mill. It all seems so nice and friendly at the moment, but something is making at me. Good stuff.
Thank you for your feedback as always.
It is always good to hear your opinion on the text.
The story is meant to be more on the indulgent side, but as I changed the way I tell the story it has become unbalanced in the strangest way. The cafť is a safe place where people with their troubles will find a moment of peace. Now howver I'm still telling the 'origin' story of the place and just having it being remotely plausible is based on tons of people being nice and/or the protagonists having the devil's luck.
Ah well, the story is still running along though and despite it being slightly unspectacular (in my opinion) it has not stalled yet.
Good evening, how are you? What was the November weird count?!
In any case, time waits for no one to get on with the reading!
Love the "giant pot that had serious cauldron ambitions" and I do think Byron could be an interesting character. The story is "nice" at the moment, I find it relaxing to read, watching it all come together. Still think you might be softening me up for something though, but even if not, it's all good stuff.
Carbon your words are as always very helpful. While I enjoy writing the story it is filled with a lot of problems and there keep appearing things that simply don't work, at least not as I had planned them.
However this year I'm less prone to pulling my hair out in frustration because of them, instead I am learning a lot about how stories are built and what are important bits and pieces that you need to add to it to make them really shine.
That you still think of the story as nice and relaxing is actually a great relief, as the intended flavour of the story has survived my epic deviation.
My final word count excluding the reworked prologue lies at 33666. I had hoped to actually reach the 50k this year. But I'm happy. I have learned a lot, I did write regularly and there are many bits and pieces I'm happy with. I'm going to keep on writing until I reach the 'plot twist' at least or will at least try to do so.
Again many, many thanks your kind words and feedback have been an incredible help.
Normal life has returned and I'm trying to find a way to keep on writing on a somewhat regular basis.
It took a while but Chapter 14 is done.
Chapter 12, sorry I've been a bit delayed
Did you really come up with "gently deepening the shallow puddles which reflecting the stars high above they mistook for the infinite sky" because that is film quote clever! You're a proper wordsmith.
Even with my gaps between reading, I'm keeping up with all the characters, so no worries there. Think you wrote Linda a couple of times when you meant Jenny in this chapter, but the progress of the plot/cafe continues at a good clip.
I thought I was too tired to write tonight. It is not easy to keep the writing going once really life overtakes one again. But your kind words motivate me to at least write a few lines and not let my story die. You have my deepest gratitude for that.
To answer your question, the idea of confusing the mirror image of the sky in water with the real thing is shamelessly stolen. (I think Berserk is the original inspiration for that) but that sentence is mine.
And confusing protagonists is something that tends to happen to me every once in a while. I noticed that happening in a chapter of Lightbringer I read a few months ago.
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