Divorce

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  • ChocNut 10 Jul 2019 10:03:38 2,443 posts
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    Couldnít figure out how to search the forum on my phone but going through some life hardship right now and wondering if thereís any forumites with similar tales.

    Basically my wife mentioned separation unexpectedly last night. Things have been very rough for us (mostly circumstantial stuff out of our control) but also one major issue (whether to have another kid) that we deeply disagree on.

    As far as Iím concerned separation is so destructive to our lives that it shouldnít even be considered and I feel like sheís waving a nuke around.

    She seems serious but clueless. Ugh

    God help us
  • Frogofdoom 10 Jul 2019 10:06:41 13,397 posts
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    Staying together because separation would be destructive isn't a reason to stay together. If she is intent on leaving then there isnt much you can do really but it would be worth mentioning the possibility of counselling to see if there is anything worth saving.
  • Juz 10 Jul 2019 10:22:41 3,306 posts
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    I went through a divorce (and got diagnosed with cancer at the same time!) a few years back. It was my choice to fuck off after years of trying to make it work, and for the sake of my child etc etc.

    It was the roughest time of life, not helped with the illness on top too, BUT I've come out the other side with someone I adore and a happier child.

    I have to live in rented property because ex-wife fucked everything up one way or another, but apart from that...life's good now.

    What I'm trying to say is: it can be the toughest, messiest, stressiest, nastiest thing you'll go through, so be prepared for that. The rewards once you make it can be fantastic, but if you ain't mentally as tough as a motherfucker, you may not be able to hack it (and you kinda won't know until you're right in the shit).

    As Frog said: if she wants to call it a day, that's kind of it anyway - only takes one person to want a split to make it happen.

    Think long and fucking hard, and speak to her, but I would always say that you shouldn't just put up/capitulate just cos it's the easy option. Compromise is always good, but it has to be evenly distributed.

    £0.02.
  • Tonka 10 Jul 2019 11:06:31 29,584 posts
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    There are some posts on this topic in the Dad's Club.

    Juz kind of summarised them all, but if you manage to find your way in there you might hear from more people who have gone through a divorce.

    Or they'll post here.
  • elstoof 10 Jul 2019 11:10:08 23,415 posts
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    Itíll either be the best thing you ever do, or itíll just be a thing that happened
  • quadfather 10 Jul 2019 11:11:24 34,586 posts
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    elstoof wrote:
    Itíll either be the best thing you ever do, or itíll just be a thing that happened
  • GuybrushFreepwood 10 Jul 2019 12:38:52 1,043 posts
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    Been divorced and as Juz said it was the roughest time of my life (my ex-wife told me years later that she was trying to get me to commit suicide so she would get everything). I lost £500k and ended up sleeping back at my parents for a bit.

    However, since that time, I've had the happiest moments of my life. I see my ex every few years and can see I had a lucky escape. I'm much happier now than I ever was or would have been.

    The kids was a tough one. I told myself that they were better off without two people who didn't like each other. I would say that you should never have kids to try and patch up a marriage. I'd also say that separation tends to result in divorce from my limited experience of it. It's either sit down and talk (with counselling maybe) or agree to go your own ways. If the latter, then watch out for it getting nasty. Hopefully it won't, but it seems to bring out the worst in people. My (current) wife and I were both done over during our divorces.
  • challenge_hanukkah 10 Jul 2019 12:48:25 10,886 posts
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    GuybrushFreepwood wrote:
    Been divorced and as Juz said it was the roughest time of my life (my ex-wife told me years later that she was trying to get me to commit suicide so she would get everything)
    That is massively fucked up. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
  • Addy__ 10 Jul 2019 13:02:58 913 posts
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    I think I'm heading this way. We appear to have grown apart over the past 2 years due to becoming effectively parents/carers for our girls. We spend very little time together and any intimacy we had left the building 18 months ago. Maybe things will get back on track in the future once the girls get older, but at the moment it feels like neither wants to say anything because it's extremely binding and hard work with children as it is, never mind 2 with severe autism.
  • DUFFMAN5 10 Jul 2019 13:11:32 24,614 posts
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    @Addy__

    Sorry to hear mate. I'm sure you and I (and wives) have a very similar lifestyle. It really is hard to keep the relationship going when in effect you are carers.

    Luckily we are very strong, not to say we do not have times when the pressure and severe lack of sleeping can effect either ones of us.

    Hopefully you can work things through and even more importantly make sure you both remain healthy.

    @OP
    Sorry to hear, looks like you are getting some good advice at least.

    Edited by DUFFMAN5 at 13:12:39 10-07-2019
  • Bichii 10 Jul 2019 13:19:43 1,790 posts
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    God just the divorce is such a pain!! Paper work after paper work after paper work. Ridiculous the shite you need to fill out to get it finished. Zzz.

    Sorry to hear about your situation but my god it's sooo much better afterwards. Just you wait. :)
  • challenge_hanukkah 10 Jul 2019 13:24:57 10,886 posts
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    Did you get the house?
  • hedben2013 10 Jul 2019 13:36:56 1,105 posts
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    Sigh. A lot of this is very close to the bone. Solidarity and all that.

    My particular thing is my wife point-blank refuses to get relationship counselling because she's paranoid about being pigeonholed/diagnosed as mentally ill, due to issues she dealt with in childhood. So I basically end up telling myself "I'm unhappy with aspects of the marriage, but am I really unhappy *enough* to break it off and have to share custody of the kids". And the answer to that changes every couple of months, ad nauseum.
  • dominalien 10 Jul 2019 13:37:47 9,166 posts
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    I don't have anything meaningful to add to the discussion except perhaps that as I was growing up some people I knew were getting divorces and the shit that went down that I witnessed/heard about has scared me of marriage for life. I honestly have no clue what marriage is for, it's just a disaster waiting to happen.
  • dominalien 10 Jul 2019 13:39:23 9,166 posts
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    GuybrushFreepwood wrote:
    (my ex-wife told me years later that she was trying to get me to commit suicide so she would get everything)
    What a lovely lady. How my marriage trauma has grown.
  • quadfather 10 Jul 2019 14:19:39 34,586 posts
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    The only thing I can add is while that's shocking what happened to you Guybrush, things like that actually don't surprise me anymore. People in this day and age can be absolute selfish cunts. It's unreal.

    At the end of the day though, I am 3000% glad I got out of my toxic marriage. None of this kind of shit is ever worth it.
  • breakablepants 10 Jul 2019 14:37:40 1,044 posts
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    ChocNut wrote:
    Couldnít figure out how to search the forum on my phone but going through some life hardship right now and wondering if thereís any forumites with similar tales.

    Basically my wife mentioned separation unexpectedly last night. Things have been very rough for us (mostly circumstantial stuff out of our control) but also one major issue (whether to have another kid) that we deeply disagree on.

    As far as Iím concerned separation is so destructive to our lives that it shouldnít even be considered and I feel like sheís waving a nuke around.

    She seems serious but clueless. Ugh

    God help us
    I also went through a divorce about 10 years ago now. Obviously, if that's what happens for you, it will be horrible and you will get through it, and may look back on it as a good decision in the end. BUT -

    - If you really do want to try to stay together, you and your wife need to both want to try and find a solution. She may be saying about separation just to get a reaction, out of desperation, stress, depression, anger - It's up to you to decide what you do about this. From what you say about your kids, you may both be in a bad place as individuals trying to look after them, which you need to address both as a couple and as your own people.

    - Get some help. I personally had a really bad experience with Relate, but I really had no idea what options there were out there, and there are various options and 3rd parties you can both speak to to get some perspective. Maybe try and discuss this with your partner, so you get a sense of her commitment to try and sort this out.

    - Whatever happens, you both need to be co-parents for the rest of your lives. In one sense I was lucky with my divorce in that we didn't have kids, a house or any assets to fight over. It was all very amicable. But I now have friends where the divorce has been vicious and become a fight over children. However you may feel about each other you have 2 kids that will need you for the rest of your lives.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 10 Jul 2019 14:44:20 1,043 posts
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    As you say Quaddy, getting out was the best thing I ever did. I also found out that my ex only married me as I was the closest she could get to my dad who she actually wanted... now that is fucked up. One of my kids isn't even mine I learnt years later. Obviously I divorced her for adultery (with someone else!).

    Anyway, I thankfully didn't take enough pills and woke up on a sunny day in a field and thought "this is day 1 of the rest of my life" and started over.

    Very, very happy now (I'm married to minature Mary Poppins), so what the hell :) So, Dominalien, there is hope. You just have to meet the right person.... knowing you have is the tough bit I guess.
  • challenge_hanukkah 10 Jul 2019 14:45:24 10,886 posts
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    She sounds lovely. Got her number?
  • quadfather 10 Jul 2019 14:54:29 34,586 posts
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    @GuybrushFreepwood

    Fucks sake. You did well to get out that relatively unscathed.

    I suppose one thing that's useful is that you can easily identify a cunt straight away now after going through stuff like this.
  • HairyArse 10 Jul 2019 15:07:00 1,258 posts
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    Bichii wrote:
    God just the divorce is such a pain!! Paper work after paper work after paper work. Ridiculous the shite you need to fill out to get it finished. Zzz.

    Sorry to hear about your situation but my god it's sooo much better afterwards. Just you wait. :)
    Did yours go through?
  • Joyless_Man 10 Jul 2019 15:19:23 276 posts
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    Bichii wrote:
    God just the divorce is such a pain!! Paper work after paper work after paper work. Ridiculous the shite you need to fill out to get it finished. Zzz.

    Sorry to hear about your situation but my god it's sooo much better afterwards. Just you wait. :)
    HMMMMMMMM

    Bichii wrote:
    What's the best app these days? Last time I used POF and it was an experience...

    Thinking of dumping my partner. Starting to think I'm more suited to casual non serious relationships as every single time I live with a man it ruins everything. It's handy though because I'm loaded when living with him but I'm starting to think I'd rather be broke.
  • challenge_hanukkah 10 Jul 2019 15:28:11 10,886 posts
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    Revan is awful shocker.
  • pacrifice 10 Jul 2019 15:50:17 4,784 posts
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    Nas is doing good these days. Could've had Kelis in prison.
  • Load_2.0 10 Jul 2019 15:56:35 29,484 posts
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    I am available to spice up marriages.

    Only caveat is that I must be addressed as Dr Porkfist before during and after coitus and at meals.
  • jrmat 10 Jul 2019 16:18:01 77 posts
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    Just for the sake of taking a slightly different slant on things... Is she waving separation around as a call for attention? In which case it might be worth seeing if you can get to know each other again and move forward to happier times rather than writing it off.
  • Decks Best Forumite, 2016 10 Jul 2019 16:20:23 20,087 posts
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    I can vouch for Dr Porkfist, he pretty much saved my relationship. Just be sure to stock up on antibiotics.
  • JamboWayOh 10 Jul 2019 16:31:44 13,563 posts
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    Not married and through my parents own separation I'm not sure if I ever will. All I say is from the people I know who have gone through divorce it can either be absolutely draining or respectful. It's better to be single than in a loveless union where you slowly resent each other and animosity makes the inevitable divorce much worse than it should have been. Never stay for the kids and never try for kids in a crumbling relationship. End it.
  • dominalien 10 Jul 2019 16:37:27 9,166 posts
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    GuybrushFreepwood wrote:
    So, Dominalien, there is hope. You just have to meet the right person.... knowing you have is the tough bit I guess.
    The way I see it now, Iíll get married on my deathbed to avoid inheritance tax. I know that doesnít account for any accidents, etc.
  • wuntyphyve 10 Jul 2019 16:37:50 12,341 posts
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    Load_2.0 wrote:
    I am available to spice up marriages.

    Only caveat is that I must be addressed as Dr Porkfist before during and after coitus and at meals.
    Do we have to provide you with meals or do you bring your own?
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