Divorce Page 2

  • anephric 10 Jul 2019 16:39:58 3,258 posts
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    The absolutely, absolutely toxic divorce my parents went through, which dragged on for years and poisoned my stepdad against us kids so much I didn't speak to him again for the 20-odd years until he died, was more than enough to put me off ever getting married.

    But bon chance to those that fancy it.
  • wuntyphyve 10 Jul 2019 16:43:12 12,341 posts
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    @ChocNut In all honesty I don't see how any advice here can help seeing as how your relationship is unique. Would it not be more advisable to speak to her about this directly? It has seemed to come as a shock to you, in which case you need to discuss this at length and find out the root cause. Is it the undefinable rough times? Or the disagreement on children? It could be because she seriously is considering seperation (which may not be permanent), or that, as has been said above, it's a cry for help / attention. Either way you've got a lot of talking to do with each other. Your last comment about her being serious but clueless seems very offhand on your part, clueless in what way? That fallout? The procedure? Above that you've nixed the idea already before you even seem to know why she has broached the subject.
  • Your-Mother 10 Jul 2019 16:48:12 2,810 posts
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    wuntyphyve wrote:
    @ChocNut In all honesty I don't see how any advice here can help seeing as how your relationship is unique.
    Absolutely this. Talk to her and to a professional counselor. Advice off randoms on the internet may be well intended but could be absolutely terrible for your situation and mindset.
  • Graxlar_v3 10 Jul 2019 16:49:14 6,836 posts
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    anephric wrote:
    T I didn't speak to him again for the 20-odd years until he died,.
    I am super tired right now so maybe i am reading this wrong.
  • sport 10 Jul 2019 16:52:52 15,060 posts
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    Your-Mother wrote:
    wuntyphyve wrote:
    @ChocNut In all honesty I don't see how any advice here can help seeing as how your relationship is unique.
    Absolutely this. Talk to her and to a professional counselor. Advice off randoms on the internet may be well intended but could be absolutely terrible for your situation and mindset.
    I'll have you know that EG has saved many marriages.
  • anephric 10 Jul 2019 17:11:30 3,258 posts
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    Graxlar_v3 wrote:
    anephric wrote:
    T I didn't speak to him again for the 20-odd years until he died,.
    I am super tired right now so maybe i am reading this wrong.
    I never had anything to do with him again, basically: I've phrased that very badly.
  • nudistpete 10 Jul 2019 17:12:40 737 posts
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    sport wrote:
    I'll have you know that EG has saved many marriages.
    The marriages in those hentai games aren't real, though.
  • Iwasexclusive 10 Jul 2019 17:27:22 69 posts
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    Monogamy is unnatural. There are many fields that need to be ploughed.

    On a lighter note, the longer matters are left unresolved, the more likelihood of resentment and separation. Talking face-to-face, without a phone in hand, is underrated. The simple formula for a happy marriage is:

    (Netflix time / 2) + (couple time * 2) = blissful union
  • challenge_hanukkah 10 Jul 2019 17:40:44 10,886 posts
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    Would you fuck a bonobo?
  • Kami 10 Jul 2019 17:54:43 2,700 posts
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    Not my story, but my brothers (and since I've been bailing him out financially, kinda my problem too).

    He got married in July last year because his girlfriend said it would save their relationship if they "got serious". By January, he'd walked out on her. Things just hadn't been great and they didn't get any better by signing a piece of paper.

    However, she won't divorce him - I'm told because a psychic has told her that this relationship will "work itself out in the end". My brother has no interest in trying to salvage what was a six-year courtship. He felt like marriage was a huge thing and he was convinced by her that it would fix a litany of issues (my guess is primarily trust). I'm also guessing a psychic was involved in that as well.

    As wuntyphyve said, the best start is to talk to each other. Work out where you are. Maybe try therapy as well. But you have to want to talk about this with each other.

    Also, never let a psychic provide relationship advice.
  • sport 10 Jul 2019 18:07:41 15,060 posts
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    Well, it might still work out in the end.
  • erasr 10 Jul 2019 23:37:26 316 posts
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    I think weíll all have different experiences and advice with this.

    My thoughts are that if you still love her, donít let her go. You donít know what you had until itís gone and certainly in my case that happened and I deeply regretted not thinking properly before it ended. I took it all for granted... but she walked away and similarly seemed clueless.

    Yours might be taking it for granted, I donít know. Or you might be. Whatever the case, one or both of you need a severe wake up call to make you realise what you have. Talking is key.

    Talk to her, write down the pros you see in each other and the pros of your relationship.

    Write down what first attracted you together. What do you love about each other.

    Talk about what could change. Agree on one simple objective each. Set a timeframe to achieve that goal. Make it realistic.

    Edited by erasr at 23:37:37 10-07-2019
  • Bichii 10 Jul 2019 23:41:52 1,792 posts
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    erasr wrote:
    I think weíll all have different experiences and advice with this.

    My thoughts are that if you still love her, donít let her go. You donít know what you had until itís gone and certainly in my case that happened and I deeply regretted not thinking properly before it ended. I took it all for granted... but she walked away and similarly seemed clueless.

    Yours might be taking it for granted, I donít know. Or you might be. Whatever the case, one or both of you need a severe wake up call to make you realise what you have. Talking is key.

    Talk to her, write down the pros you see in each other and the pros of your relationship.

    Write down what first attracted you together. What do you love about each other.

    Talk about what could change. Agree on one simple objective each. Set a timeframe to achieve that goal. Make it realistic.
    Each to their own etc but sod that. A relationship shouldn't have to be so much effort. Writing pro lists and things you'd want the other to change??? Personally that means things are too broken. But yeah each to their own, I think I recently decided to be single for the foreseeable future for this kind of reason.
  • Dougs 11 Jul 2019 06:09:41 89,581 posts
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    Of course relationships require effort. They need nurturing, looking after, compromise and above all else, communication. If you don't, you end up taking things for granted and that leads to resentment.

    Life is hard, even if you're in the most solid of relationships. Stresses such as Work, money, kids, lack of sleep, lack of time as a couple etc all have a massive impact and need addressing where possible.

    As for the OP, agree with wunty and Kal. Get professional help as each circumstance is different.

    Edited by Dougs at 06:53:43 11-07-2019
  • GuybrushFreepwood 11 Jul 2019 06:42:40 1,043 posts
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    What Dougs said
  • DUFFMAN5 11 Jul 2019 07:01:54 24,614 posts
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    What Dougs and Guy echoed

    My mum has always said that people give up too easy now and that it is made too easy to give up/walk away*. She was married at 16 in 1965!

    I have been "married" well living with missus for 25 years.

    *obviously there are times when it is absolutely right to divorce.
  • Tonka 11 Jul 2019 07:32:37 29,584 posts
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    GuybrushFreepwood wrote:
    I also found out that my ex only married me as I was the closest she could get to my dad who she actually wanted... now that is fucked up.
    Fucking hell, the things you get to read on this forum at at times. People can be so horrible to each other. Who does such a fucked up thing? What had gone wrong in her life before she thought marrying the son of the married man she loved was a good idea?
  • Steifybobbins 11 Jul 2019 07:44:27 557 posts
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    First off your post is a little dismissive of her feelings, ask yourself do I want this relationship and am I doing my part to build and maintain it? Secondly talk to her and find out what's really going on, if none of the above sets up a clear path forward respect each other and consider parting.

    I left an abusive relationship of 14 years (held together for the kids) and I can tell you it's the best thing I ever did. The divorce was awful, hugely costly and my ex has destroyed my relationship with the children which is truly awful and yet despite all of that I'm happier than I ever was then. Sometimes you have to open your eyes to the reality of your situation, make tough choices and simply have faith you can come through it but it takes effort and time
  • DUFFMAN5 11 Jul 2019 07:48:58 24,614 posts
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    @Steifybobbins
    Is there a chance you will make up with your children ? I never understand how parents "use" their children against one another. The most important and bestest thing you would have ever did together should not be used as weapons. It is very cuntish and selfish.
  • lordofthedunce 11 Jul 2019 07:54:51 550 posts
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    @ChocNut

    I'd recommend going together to speak to a third-party, counsellor or similar. There might be things that need to be said or worked through that can help. By the sound of it you will have a few questions. I'd explore all avenues before calling it quits because it'll either help you both see there are some changes that can be made or it'll help you see things aren't retrievable, which makes separation more bearable.
  • Steifybobbins 11 Jul 2019 08:04:15 557 posts
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    @DUFFMAN5 I dont know. Everytime I make in roads it gets pushed 4 steps back. It's a constant battle. I've just had to accept that I cant have everything right now. That might sound weird to some but it's the best I can do for all parties as it stands. I bought them all phones at christmas for regular contact and my little lad and I were playing rocket league on switch together but those are all "broken" now to give an example.
  • dominalien 11 Jul 2019 08:14:18 9,166 posts
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    Ah, the broken toy ploy. Can be used for such evil. :-(
  • Steifybobbins 11 Jul 2019 08:24:04 557 posts
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    @dominalien that's one of the more sanitary examples so as not to upset anyones day
  • Armoured_Bear 11 Jul 2019 09:32:20 26,860 posts
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    You have to be a special sort of scumbag to use your kids in bitter divorce shit, horrendous how common it seems to be.
  • robthehermit 11 Jul 2019 09:50:00 7,365 posts
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    When Mrs Hermit divorced her previous husband she told him she only wanted two things, the kids and the house. Without missing a beat he replied "You're not having the house."
  • nudistpete 11 Jul 2019 09:54:39 737 posts
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    Armoured_Bear wrote:
    You have to be a special sort of scumbag to use your kids in bitter divorce shit, horrendous how common it seems to be.
    It's what I'm most afraid of being a married bloke with kids, as even nice people can turn into complete batshit mentalists after a relationship breakup. I watched a colleague spunk all his money on legal help just to get (IMO) a poor level of access to his daughter, then watch him bear the brunt of his ex's games to deny him access after it had all been agreed. Absolutely heartbreaking for him. He said she was a perfectly nice decent person until one day she just said she wanted to leave, and then it just became one long game to vexate him seeing his kid.
  • quadfather 11 Jul 2019 10:08:08 34,586 posts
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    @nudistpete

    Sounds familiar. When my ex decided to split, once she had made the decision absolutely everything else was simply discarded without a thought. Anything that didn't contribute to her decision was swept aside as if it was deciding between what to have for tea.
  • Load_2.0 11 Jul 2019 10:16:04 29,486 posts
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    Dr Porkfist also dabbles in abduction and "accidents"

    Just in case anyone is looking at that route.
  • elstoof 11 Jul 2019 13:44:25 23,418 posts
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    Kami wrote:

    He got married in July last year because his girlfriend said it would save their relationship if they "got serious". By January, he'd walked out on her.

    However, she won't divorce him - I'm told because a psychic has told her that this relationship will "work itself out in the end".
    Legally, they canít divorce anyway. I think itís one year minimum of marriage, and the current laws are fucked up so you need 2 years of separation (agreed by both parties) or 5 years (without confirmation from the corespondent). The other ways, adultery etc can only be filed by the wronged party - go and bang as many people as you like but you canít issue proceedings against yourself. The laws will change at some point but no idea when
  • Khanivor 11 Jul 2019 15:06:31 44,046 posts
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    Steifybobbins wrote:
    @dominalien that's one of the more sanitary examples so as not to upset anyones day
    As Iím sure youíre aware through your own reading, a lot of the time kids whoíve been alienated from a parent will come around. Theyíll see the subside, controlling parent fir the selfish destructive force that they are and come to the victim parent over time.

    Sadly, this usually means missing out on the childhood part of life, for both parties.

    I hope your kids realize whatís going on sooner rather than later. I think thereís literally no greater evil in this world than depriving children of their parents and vice versa, (I view sexual abuse as the result of a mental sickness and not something done to intentionally cause harm)
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