otto wrote:O_o Is that real? That actually got published....? Oh well, I suppose game dialogue isn't *that* bad in comparison... o_OWell said! Oh, and that Elton section is fucking hilarious!  |
The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards 2005!!
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sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agoFeanor wrote:
"Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"
I thought everyone said that when they had sex...
You'd be wrong.
[code]Fan Tan by Marlon Brando and Donald Cammell (William Heinemann)
In a moment Annie was on his side, Madame Lai was like a plant growing over him, and her little fist (holding the biggest black pearl) was up his asshole planting the pearl in the most appreciated place.
"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"
She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike. But nothing is exactly perfect in this life, and for Annie Doultry the delicate but firm pressure on his rear parts was in perfect harmony with the eruption of his cock. He came and he came - we are dealing with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, "Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty."
The bed creaked and its old springs twanged as he levered into action with his hungry stomach and his big slippery mouth. Annie was at work again. With a practiced flick of the wrist designed for heavier work, he eased the cheongsam's slit wider to expose the entire butterball thigh. Without perceptible movement, her legs were now definitely farther apart, and their musculature was unresistant and frothy, as if they were no longer bearing her weight. In a sense, she seemed to float upon the musty air like an arrangement of balloons. Evidently the dexterous licking of the inside of her left knee was contributing to her support, as it would soon to her downfall.
When it came, it was a float rather than a fall. Annie's left hand was completely occupied, each finger playing a separate tune upon the delicate complexities of her pussy, so it must have been the right one that slid under her ass and elevated her and floated her onto the bed - or more precisely, onto Annie, onto his broad stomach, the sturdy muscles beneath expressly relaxed to provide the comfort of a mattress of familiar Celtic flesh. An unintelligible muttering sound came from Yummee as she subsided on top of him. It could have been a prayer to one of her goddesses, or a threat. ...[/code] -
"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"
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Ahhh where's the punctuation? So many ands and so little commas, my head is spinning!
/eats, shoots and leaves. -
StixxUK 8,755 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 19 years agoI can't believe that there are writers this bad getting things published. It's like reading the work of a 7 year old. Apart from the sex. Hopefully. -
StixxUK 8,755 posts
Seen 2 days ago
Registered 19 years agomatty_art wrote:
So few commas
Ahhh where's the punctuation? So many ands and so little commas, my head is spinning!
/eats, shoots and leaves.
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pjmaybe 70,666 posts
Seen 12 years ago
Registered 20 years agoTally Ho!!!!!!
Peej -
bivith 2,469 posts
Seen 8 hours ago
Registered 17 years ago\wanks -
Sly9 412 posts
Seen 8 years ago
Registered 19 years ago......this passage in 'Winkler' (um, kids avert your eyes):
[code]And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.[/code]
Heyyyyy -
MetalDog 24,076 posts
Seen 3 years ago
Registered 20 years agoHeheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all. -
I win Bad sex award -
Teeth 7,987 posts
Seen 10 years ago
Registered 18 years agoEnough catch phrases in this thread for at least a few days. -
lost_soul 9,372 posts
Seen 1 year ago
Registered 19 years agoThe first quote is from Gamefaqs' forum, right? -
Pots 66 posts
Registered 17 years agoeugh, terrible. Isn't Giles Coren the food critic guy on that Gordon Ramsey 'F Word' thing? I usually find him quite amusing, but that was awful. -
Stickman 29,986 posts
Seen 5 months ago
Registered 17 years agoThat bit about him catching some spooge in his eye is bloody hilarious!
Aaaar, Jim Lad!
[can't spell male liquids]
Edited by Stickman at 11:15:51 02-12-2005 -
The winner there... that's not a real book, is it? It should win the 'bad fiction' award, never mind the 'bad sex in fiction' award. o_O
Funny, I always thought you had to actually be able to write before you could get something published. Are you saying that literature is now like pop music and talent doesn't really matter as the computer bods can shine it up nice with electronical trickery to make it look good? -
Oho! Laughed quite a bit at that winning 'entry' -
AHiFi 1,667 posts
Seen 4 weeks ago
Registered 16 years agoLol...oh my, I really cannot stop laughing! -
Dynamize 1,672 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 19 years agoNever before have I seen such a great endorsement for writers just writing "and then they had sex." -
sam_spade 15,745 posts
Seen 1 week ago
Registered 20 years agoAnd the sex was good. -
pjmaybe 70,666 posts
Seen 12 years ago
Registered 20 years agoSeriously though, could you really read a sex scene written by Alan Titchmarsh and keep a straight face?
Peej -
Sly9 412 posts
Seen 8 years ago
Registered 19 years agoCouldn't they just copy something out of the letters page of Razzle? -
souljah 4,705 posts
Seen 3 years ago
Registered 17 years agoFair play to him for shooting his load twice more from her pulling his pillow away and scratching his back. If that happened to me I'd piss off into the living room and take out my anger on the couch.
"take my fucking pillow will you"
/bosh -
pjmaybe 70,666 posts
Seen 12 years ago
Registered 20 years agoHe shot 5 times!?
So he still had one in the chamber then! Impressive!
Peej -
Seto 671 posts
Seen 4 years ago
Registered 18 years ago"And Bob looked down at Mandy with a twinkle in his eye"
this stuff is easy to write
"Mandy grabbed hold of Bob's meat and two veg and gobbled it down"
ooohh getting a bit hot here
"Bob leaned back and watched lustily as Mandy chew on his sausage”
I think I got the hang of it now
“Mandy finished her dinner and went to wash up the plates – Bob fell asleep in front of the TV”
/zorro -
zorro will never be the same again... unless its that bit with zeta jones half naked -
reality_cheque 7,486 posts
Seen 2 years ago
Registered 16 years agoMetalDog wrote:
Heheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all.
It's not that difficult - not if you actually have sex occasionally, rather than just read Razzle and Fat German Whore
*did some writing for a book of erotic fiction at uni* -
Spin_Dr_Wolf 6,170 posts
Seen 8 months ago
Registered 18 years agoGiles Coren clearly has to be a virgin. Surely that is the only way to explain such useless drivel !? -
reality_cheque wrote:
MetalDog wrote:
Heheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all.
It's not that difficult - not if you actually have sex occasionally, rather than just read Razzle and Fat German Whore
*did some writing for a book of erotic fiction at uni*
There's writing Erotica and then there's writing literary sex. Literary sex is like tightrope walking while drunk with an eyepatch and a pegleg.
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