The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards 2005!!

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  • Retroid Moderator 2 Dec 2005 04:17:24 45,464 posts
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    otto wrote:
    [code]his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out[/code]
    O_o

    Is that real? That actually got published....?

    Oh well, I suppose game dialogue isn't *that* bad in comparison...
    o_O
    Well said!

    Oh, and that Elton section is fucking hilarious! :D
  • sam_spade 2 Dec 2005 04:26:03 15,745 posts
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    Feanor wrote:
    "Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"

    I thought everyone said that when they had sex...

    You'd be wrong.

    [code]Fan Tan by Marlon Brando and Donald Cammell (William Heinemann)

    In a moment Annie was on his side, Madame Lai was like a plant growing over him, and her little fist (holding the biggest black pearl) was up his asshole planting the pearl in the most appreciated place.

    "Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"

    She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike. But nothing is exactly perfect in this life, and for Annie Doultry the delicate but firm pressure on his rear parts was in perfect harmony with the eruption of his cock. He came and he came - we are dealing with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, "Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty."

    The bed creaked and its old springs twanged as he levered into action with his hungry stomach and his big slippery mouth. Annie was at work again. With a practiced flick of the wrist designed for heavier work, he eased the cheongsam's slit wider to expose the entire butterball thigh. Without perceptible movement, her legs were now definitely farther apart, and their musculature was unresistant and frothy, as if they were no longer bearing her weight. In a sense, she seemed to float upon the musty air like an arrangement of balloons. Evidently the dexterous licking of the inside of her left knee was contributing to her support, as it would soon to her downfall.

    When it came, it was a float rather than a fall. Annie's left hand was completely occupied, each finger playing a separate tune upon the delicate complexities of her pussy, so it must have been the right one that slid under her ass and elevated her and floated her onto the bed - or more precisely, onto Annie, onto his broad stomach, the sturdy muscles beneath expressly relaxed to provide the comfort of a mattress of familiar Celtic flesh. An unintelligible muttering sound came from Yummee as she subsided on top of him. It could have been a prayer to one of her goddesses, or a threat. ...[/code]
  • Retroid Moderator 2 Dec 2005 04:28:24 45,464 posts
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    "Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"
    :D
  • Deleted user 2 December 2005 07:00:34
    Ahhh where's the punctuation? So many ands and so little commas, my head is spinning!

    /eats, shoots and leaves.
  • StixxUK 2 Dec 2005 09:04:32 8,358 posts
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    I can't believe that there are writers this bad getting things published. It's like reading the work of a 7 year old. Apart from the sex. Hopefully.
  • StixxUK 2 Dec 2005 09:04:48 8,358 posts
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    matty_art wrote:
    Ahhh where's the punctuation? So many ands and so little commas, my head is spinning!

    /eats, shoots and leaves.
    So few commas ;)
  • pjmaybe 2 Dec 2005 09:20:20 70,666 posts
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    Tally Ho!!!!!!

    Peej
  • bivith 2 Dec 2005 09:59:05 2,469 posts
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    \wanks
  • Sly9 2 Dec 2005 10:00:12 412 posts
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    ......this passage in 'Winkler' (um, kids avert your eyes):

    [code]And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.[/code]


    Heyyyyy
  • MetalDog 2 Dec 2005 10:48:15 24,076 posts
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    Heheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all.
  • Deleted user 2 December 2005 10:49:36
    I win Bad sex award
  • Teeth 2 Dec 2005 10:51:58 7,987 posts
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    Enough catch phrases in this thread for at least a few days.
  • lost_soul 2 Dec 2005 10:55:59 9,372 posts
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    The first quote is from Gamefaqs' forum, right?
  • Pots 2 Dec 2005 11:14:16 66 posts
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    eugh, terrible. Isn't Giles Coren the food critic guy on that Gordon Ramsey 'F Word' thing? I usually find him quite amusing, but that was awful.
  • Stickman 2 Dec 2005 11:15:21 29,986 posts
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    That bit about him catching some spooge in his eye is bloody hilarious!

    Aaaar, Jim Lad!

    [can't spell male liquids]

    Edited by Stickman at 11:15:51 02-12-2005
  • Blerk Moderator 2 Dec 2005 15:05:19 48,222 posts
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    The winner there... that's not a real book, is it? It should win the 'bad fiction' award, never mind the 'bad sex in fiction' award. o_O

    Funny, I always thought you had to actually be able to write before you could get something published. Are you saying that literature is now like pop music and talent doesn't really matter as the computer bods can shine it up nice with electronical trickery to make it look good?
  • Bertie Senior Staff Writer, Eurogamer.net 2 Dec 2005 15:24:59 1,765 posts
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    Oho! Laughed quite a bit at that winning 'entry'
  • AHiFi 2 Dec 2005 15:30:47 1,666 posts
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    Lol...oh my, I really cannot stop laughing! :D
  • Dynamize 2 Dec 2005 15:35:15 1,672 posts
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    Never before have I seen such a great endorsement for writers just writing "and then they had sex."
  • sam_spade 2 Dec 2005 16:05:32 15,745 posts
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    And the sex was good.
  • pjmaybe 2 Dec 2005 16:06:40 70,666 posts
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    Seriously though, could you really read a sex scene written by Alan Titchmarsh and keep a straight face?

    Peej
  • Sly9 2 Dec 2005 16:12:46 412 posts
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    Couldn't they just copy something out of the letters page of Razzle?
  • souljah 2 Dec 2005 16:17:24 4,705 posts
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    Fair play to him for shooting his load twice more from her pulling his pillow away and scratching his back. If that happened to me I'd piss off into the living room and take out my anger on the couch.

    "take my fucking pillow will you"
    /bosh
  • pjmaybe 2 Dec 2005 16:18:43 70,666 posts
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    He shot 5 times!?

    So he still had one in the chamber then! Impressive!

    Peej
  • Seto 2 Dec 2005 16:38:10 671 posts
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    "And Bob looked down at Mandy with a twinkle in his eye"

    this stuff is easy to write

    "Mandy grabbed hold of Bob's meat and two veg and gobbled it down"

    ooohh getting a bit hot here

    "Bob leaned back and watched lustily as Mandy chew on his sausage”

    I think I got the hang of it now

    “Mandy finished her dinner and went to wash up the plates – Bob fell asleep in front of the TV”

    /zorro
  • Deleted user 2 December 2005 16:52:33
    zorro will never be the same again... unless its that bit with zeta jones half naked
  • reality_cheque 27 Feb 2006 13:15:47 7,486 posts
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    MetalDog wrote:
    Heheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all.

    It's not that difficult - not if you actually have sex occasionally, rather than just read Razzle and Fat German Whore

    *did some writing for a book of erotic fiction at uni*
  • Spin_Dr_Wolf 27 Feb 2006 13:28:14 6,170 posts
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    Giles Coren clearly has to be a virgin. Surely that is the only way to explain such useless drivel !?
  • sam_spade 27 Feb 2006 13:32:32 15,745 posts
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    reality_cheque wrote:
    MetalDog wrote:
    Heheh, sex scenes are notoriously difficult to write well - I hope the rest of their work is significantly better! If you can't write them well, you shouldn't write them at all.

    It's not that difficult - not if you actually have sex occasionally, rather than just read Razzle and Fat German Whore

    *did some writing for a book of erotic fiction at uni*

    There's writing Erotica and then there's writing literary sex. Literary sex is like tightrope walking while drunk with an eyepatch and a pegleg.
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