The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards 2005!! Page 2

  • tengu 8 May 2007 19:54:54 10,294 posts
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    Post deleted
  • otto Moderator 28 May 2007 11:16:19 49,322 posts
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    Teeth wrote:
    Enough catch phrases in this thread for at least a few days.
    /Zorro is the new /curtains

    :D
  • otto Moderator 28 May 2007 11:16:19 49,322 posts
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    And yes, the results are in for this prestigious award - and the winner is Giles Coren for this passage in 'Winkler' (um, kids avert your eyes):

    [code]And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.[/code]

    :D

    I also thought Ben Elton's shortlisted entry was particularly fucking awful:

    [code]He stood there, his head thrown back with the rain falling on his face, as he felt fingers reaching into his fly and searching for a way into his long johns. Murray was a nurse and used to undressing men; it was not long before she had found what she was looking for and liberated his straining manhood, and then he gasped out loud. The warmth of her mouth on him was almost too much to bear.

    "Oh Jesus. Yes!" he gasped as her lips and teeth closed savagely around him and he felt the tip of her tongue poking and probing. Then, just when he was beginning to think that he must explode, her mouth was gone and in its place he felt her hands once more and he smelt the unmistakable smell of oiled rubber.

    "Glad this wasn't hanging on the line to dry when you saw my room," he heard her say. "I think even I would have been embarrassed."

    She slipped the big thick rubber sheath over him and then pulled him down to her. Kingsley soon discovered that beneath her skirt she was wearing nothing. He felt the thick, luxuriant bush of soft wet hair between her legs and in a moment he was buried inside it.

    "Ooh-la-la!" she breathed as he smelt the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it. "Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"

    And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. "Gosh", "Golly" and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even "Tally ho!"[/code]

    o_O
  • otto Moderator 22 Nov 2007 22:26:24 49,322 posts
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    Here we go with this year's quality contestants!
  • Nasty 22 Nov 2007 22:40:37 4,837 posts
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    [code]Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.
    [/code]

    Sure I've been out with her.

    [code]She reaches for my belt. I groan too, in expectation. And then I'm inside her,[/code]

    O_o
  • MrTomFTW Best Moderator, 2016 22 Nov 2007 22:52:08 47,499 posts
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    [code]
    Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded...
    [/code]

    THAT'S HOT!
  • Deleted user 22 November 2007 23:15:36
    I feel both amused and physically sick because of that Pynchon passage...
  • mrharvest 22 Nov 2007 23:36:55 5,599 posts
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    Damn. One girl in my seminar class today complained that my bad sex scenes don't contain enough sex. I think I'll stea... ahem, borrow one of these to read out next week. ;)
  • MetalDog 23 Nov 2007 00:05:31 24,076 posts
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    I don't think anything's ever going to top 'like Zorro'.

    I loved the way wanking her man off gave the lass in Mark Haddon's story a cross between an orgasm and a major hallucination, though =D Hell of a lot better than just a tired arm.
  • PiD 23 Nov 2007 00:30:27 3,564 posts
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    That Irvine Welsh piece made me horp a lil
  • GuiltySpark 23 Nov 2007 00:41:50 6,782 posts
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    [code]truncate, adjudicate, fornicate, frivolous, rivulet, violet, oriole, orifice, conifer, aquifer, allegiance, alacrity[/code]

    Holy crap, someone went a bit thesaurus-crazy didn't they?
  • otto Moderator 23 Nov 2007 00:53:40 49,322 posts
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    GuiltySpark wrote:
    [code]truncate, adjudicate, fornicate, frivolous, rivulet, violet, oriole, orifice, conifer, aquifer, allegiance, alacrity[/code]
    don't stop I'm nearly there
  • pjmaybe 23 Nov 2007 08:56:18 70,666 posts
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    LOL! Another quality entrance (matron) from Will Self...

    Peej
  • Universal_Hamster 23 Nov 2007 09:20:43 4,948 posts
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    Too right!

    Dave licked between Phyllis's shoulder blades and drove his tongue down her grooved back. She shuddered and, grabbing his thigh, pulled it up and over her own so that he half straddled her. In the confusion of their bodies - his hairy shanks, her sweaty thighs, his bow-taut cock, her engorged basketry of cowl and lip - there was clear intent; so that when he penetrated her, they moved into and out of one another with fluid ease, revving and squealing, before arriving quite suddenly.
    Dave and Phyl were having sex in her cottage outside Chipping Ongar.
  • magicpanda 23 Nov 2007 09:28:21 15,048 posts
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    I love this thread!

    Where can I get a copy of Fat German Whore? :D
  • pjmaybe 23 Nov 2007 09:29:17 70,666 posts
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    Universal Hamster wrote:
    Too right!

    Dave licked between Phyllis's shoulder blades and drove his tongue down her grooved back. She shuddered and, grabbing his thigh, pulled it up and over her own so that he half straddled her. In the confusion of their bodies - his hairy shanks, her sweaty thighs, his bow-taut cock, her engorged basketry of cowl and lip - there was clear intent; so that when he penetrated her, they moved into and out of one another with fluid ease, revving and squealing, before arriving quite suddenly.
    Dave and Phyl were having sex in her cottage outside Chipping Ongar.

    New euphemism for sex at Maybe Towers

    "I'd like to take you to Chipping Ongar"


    Peej
  • jonsaan 23 Nov 2007 09:46:27 27,052 posts
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    Great thread!
  • BanjoMan 23 Nov 2007 12:18:32 13,692 posts
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    Here's my attempt:

    Banjo pumped three or four times, before squirting his muck up her, rolling over and going to sleep with a grunt.
  • Tiger_Walts 23 Nov 2007 12:31:21 16,674 posts
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    See, if the writing was anywhere near real life then you'd have the following lines...

    "Now, that's not going to work is it"
    "Move over a bit"
    "Ow, you're on my hair"
    "I can't see the telly now"

    and the down heartening,

    "It's OK, we'll try again in a few minutes."
  • BanjoMan 23 Nov 2007 12:34:48 13,692 posts
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    "Is it in yet?"

    Not that I've er... ever... oh look a horse!!
  • Killerbee 23 Nov 2007 12:47:32 5,015 posts
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    Lol!

    I take it from that extract that Giles Coren has never actually had sex...?

    /empathises with Tiger_Walts' version, plus:

    "I'm just off to wash my dick in the sink..."

    "Okay. Can you bring me some tissues?"
  • pjmaybe 23 Nov 2007 12:51:30 70,666 posts
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    Or the dick-shatteringly limp inducing

    "Have you farted?"

    "No!"

    "Oh it must be your breath then..."


    Peej
  • Deleted user 23 November 2007 12:52:35
    That Irvine Welsh one was ok I thought. But then again I've read a load of his other stuff and I know his style.
  • BanjoMan 23 Nov 2007 13:22:54 13,692 posts
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    "Do you mind if I wipe my cock on your curtains?"
  • terminalterror 23 Nov 2007 14:05:08 18,931 posts
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    Yay for the bump in this thread, I'd forgotten how hilarious the whole Zorro thing was :)

    /zorro

    /curtains
  • pjmaybe 23 Nov 2007 14:07:21 70,666 posts
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    boabg wrote:
    That Irvine Welsh one was ok I thought. But then again I've read a load of his other stuff and I know his style.

    Yep that's pretty tame in comparison to the scene where Renton porks his brother's pregnant girlfriend in a toilet in Trainspotting.

    Peej
  • Deleted user 23 November 2007 14:09:41
    pjmaybe wrote:
    boabg wrote:
    That Irvine Welsh one was ok I thought. But then again I've read a load of his other stuff and I know his style.

    Yep that's pretty tame in comparison to the scene where Renton porks his brother's pregnant girlfriend in a toilet in Trainspotting.

    Peej

    /horp
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