Depression Page 241

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  • SnackPlissken 23 Nov 2018 13:09:29 595 posts
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    I feel your pain quad. I知 just coming to terms with my dad isn稚 going to recover from this cancer, as it just seems to be getting worse. I知 really hoping we can have a good Christmas if it is his last one..there is a slim chance he値l kick cancer in the arse, but fuck I dunno....
  • mrpon 23 Nov 2018 13:40:37 34,926 posts
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    I'm in exactly the same position quad. You just need to grieve, accept and move on. It sounds callous but you just have to. Otherwise it's a downward spiral and will do you no good. I'm giving my Dad the same advice lest he follows the same path.
  • quadfather 23 Nov 2018 13:53:49 33,567 posts
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    SnackPlissken wrote:
    I feel your pain quad. I知 just coming to terms with my dad isn稚 going to recover from this cancer, as it just seems to be getting worse. I知 really hoping we can have a good Christmas if it is his last one..there is a slim chance he値l kick cancer in the arse, but fuck I dunno....
    Sorry to hear that, it must be awful. I guess the best you can take out of it is to enjoy however much time you all have together.

    Life's a cunt sometimes.
  • quadfather 23 Nov 2018 13:55:05 33,567 posts
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    mrpon wrote:
    I'm in exactly the same position quad. You just need to grieve, accept and move on. It sounds callous but you just have to. Otherwise it's a downward spiral and will do you no good. I'm giving my Dad the same advice lest he follows the same path.
    Totally agree, I can almost feel my brain cogs whirring away processing it. I can feel that it'll all come out this weekend, and I'll completely encourage it.

    Again, life's a cunt sometimes.
  • AddyJB 23 Nov 2018 19:22:28 689 posts
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    I get like this around Xmas and it's been 5 years since my mum passed. These days I just get down about my girls and them not understanding what Xmas is and it's just another day for them.
  • GoatApocalypse 23 Nov 2018 20:47:14 5,137 posts
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    @quadfather

    Well done for getting it out mate, it's easy to try and bottle it up.

    Sounds awful, hope you can get some peace.
  • mrharvest 24 Nov 2018 06:36:43 5,583 posts
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    I've been having continued adventures with the shit Greek healthcare system.

    On Tuesday I was feeling dizzy. Our office nurse told me I should go to a hospital ASAP. So I did. It took two hours to see an ENT doctor, fair play. The ENT concluded it's not an ENT issue and said I had to see a pathologist. It took further six hours to see the pathologist who concluded it was probably just a side effect of my antidepressants.

    On Thursday I was back at work and felt fine the whole day. But then I woke up at 2 am with every part of my body aching, eyes burning, ears ringing and diarrhoea. So the next morning I go see a pathologist. He says it's probably virus but notes that my heart rate isn't stable. He measured it five times and it was between 90 and nearly 200, going up and down. So he says go see a cardiologist right now.

    I managed to get a cardiologist appointment at a private hospital in the afternoon. First of all he'd forgot I had an appointment. Then he hears my symptoms and says "not cardiology, you need a pathologist", completely ignoring that a pathologist sent me there with a letter describing the fluctuating heart rate. Every time I tried to explain the issue he cut me off and said it was just because I had a fever. I had to literally shout at him to get the ECG done that the pathologist had requested.

    So man, fuck this Greek shit. I can't live in this country. The hospitals and clinics I visited in Africa were better.

    Oh, and I feel completely normal today again. So not sure what's what since there's no actual diagnosticians in this country who would care.

    /rant
  • captain-Snufkin 24 Nov 2018 06:55:17 764 posts
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    AddyJB wrote:
    I get like this around Xmas and it's been 5 years since my mum passed. These days I just get down about my girls and them not understanding what Xmas is and it's just another day for them.
    It's just the times, all kids are spoiled these days. Christmas was special back in the day because you didn't get sod all unless it was Birthday or holiday.
  • AddyJB 24 Nov 2018 07:15:48 689 posts
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    @captain-Snufkin

    Whilst I agree kids are spoiled (my eldest daughter is) but the 2 in question are autistic, hence the just another day for them.

    Oh well I'm still looking forward to Xmas and a break from work.
  • JamboWayOh 24 Nov 2018 09:17:48 10,723 posts
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    To Quaddy, Addy and everyone else going through shit, because aren't we all, hang in there. I'm naive or hopeful enough to believe that shit gets better with time and support. You've got the time and we'll give you the support if need be.
  • AddyJB 24 Nov 2018 09:22:33 689 posts
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    /group hug
  • askew 24 Nov 2018 09:50:37 18,215 posts
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    How /you/ doing Jambo feeling a bit brighter this past week?
  • JamboWayOh 24 Nov 2018 10:19:31 10,723 posts
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    askew wrote:
    How /you/ doing Jambo feeling a bit brighter this past week?
    I have my days, but yeah feeling brighter. I sometimes forget about the the positive things I have in my life and it's far too easy to slip down that hole and I really don't want to go back down there.
  • GoatApocalypse 24 Nov 2018 10:44:47 5,137 posts
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    JamboWayOh wrote:
    To Quaddy, Addy and everyone else going through shit, because aren't we all, hang in there. I'm naive or hopeful enough to believe that shit gets better with time and support. You've got the time and we'll give you the support if need be.
    Back at you, mate.
  • quadfather 24 Nov 2018 11:49:25 33,567 posts
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    GoatApocalypse wrote:
    @quadfather

    Well done for getting it out mate, it's easy to try and bottle it up.

    Sounds awful, hope you can get some peace.
    Cheers.

    Just heard back from my sister again - mum is back in the home after the ordeal. Turned out she hadn't broken or fractured anything so hopefully she'll be able to carry on as normal in her world again now.

    The weirdest thing is when my sister said it's the first time our mum has been out of that house in 3 years. That's both sad and eerie. But it is what it is.

    Let's hope the rest of the year is relatively calm. All round.
  • RyanDS 12 Jan 2019 16:14:07 12,402 posts
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    Fuck depression. Or more rightly the lack of understanding about it. I travel lots, I have a very successful contracting business, I have job offers for money and work that two years ago I would never even have dreamed of.

    But every fucking day I go home to an empty flat, drink too much, gamble too much and hate my life with a passion.

    But every fucking person I know keeps Telling me how lucky I am, what a wonderful life I lead. And I know I am. Hell, my perm job I just got offered is a massive pay rise and 8 weeks holiday. How the fuck can I be so blessed and yet still so miserable? Without my parents as an anchor, being very old now and I force myself to look happy and stable to make their last years happy and not worry about me... I honestly don稚 know what I would do.

    I am spiralling more and more, just turned forty and taking up more and more dangerous things. Racing motorbikes, backpacking and deliberately choosing the areas that are most dangerous to stroll down.

    Just pushing and pushing trying to find a limit but somehow always works out. Hell, in places like Kuala Lumpur I end up in a dodgy back street drug den and make best friends with the dealers and the hookers. I walk down a meth street for a buzz where a couple of friends were mugged, and somehow I make friends with the muggers and go out drinking with them. I want to find the limit and finally get some consequences and actually face life, but it keeps just fucking being nice, which as a result makes me push harder. I am a fucking asthmatic and have taking up smoking again, and somehow I actually feel better.

    I think I am trying to crash so I can finally kick myself and sort shit out, but no matter how much I push I just keep going.

    Sorry, started typing and carried on. I can稚 talk to anyone else. I have to 澱e strong for my folks or have friends question why, when my life is so amazing how dare I be miserable when they earn half what I do and I am a count for moaning. I needed a cathartic rant, not to the wind, but to people who at least I have a passing connection with, and the forum here is genuinely something I love.

    Just needed to say it out loud as it were. I needed to say it out loud just to say it to myself as well.

    I know the answer is speak to a professional. But I just can稚 bring myself to. Hence I think the wanting to crash so I can force myself t.

    Tl:Dr depression is a cunt. I keep thinking of robin Williams. From the outside you see him as amazing, funny successful etc. But he stilled killed himself because of demons. Just because you have a blessed life, doesn稚 mean you are happy.

    I just don稚 know what to do.
  • cov 12 Jan 2019 16:21:16 1,892 posts
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    You have said the answer yourself - was in a similar position to you and eventually bit the bullet and spoke to a professional. Worked wonders. Do it.
  • mrharvest 12 Jan 2019 16:23:18 5,583 posts
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    @RyanDS Hey mate, if you need to rant please feel free to. That's what this is here for.

    I've been going through psychotherapy and one of the things that's surprised me is that I look back to my time in Africa as the "time when I felt alive".

    I think the modern society is quite clinical and unless you have good social structures around you to keep you grounded it's really easy to feel empty and disconnected. So then you try to fill that void with something. I'm not sure if that's how you feel but I got that impression from your post.
  • JamboWayOh 12 Jan 2019 16:26:45 10,723 posts
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    What Cov says the hardest and bravest thing to do is see a professional, but I swear when you do, for me personally, it was the best thing I ever did. To speak to someone with no feeling of being judged, honestly, I sincerely believed it saved me from spiralling into an abyss. Everyday is a challenge, but everyday is also an achievement.
  • RyanDS 12 Jan 2019 16:31:08 12,402 posts
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    mrharvest wrote:
    So then you try to fill that void with something. I'm not sure if that's how you feel but I got that impression from your post.
    Nailed it.

    I keep thinking back to an ex. And how she freaked me out one night. Making love and suddenly she starts screaming 吐uck me and punish me. Fuck me like the worthless cunt I am freaked me out and she got really upset that my response was to just stop and refuse sex that night.

    She may have had issues... I loved her but we split as she wanted to be punished for cheating on her ex which she couldn稚 get over.

    You fill that void with whatever you can even if you know it is self destructive.
  • RyanDS 12 Jan 2019 16:45:53 12,402 posts
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    JamboWayOh wrote:
    What Cov says the hardest and bravest thing to do is see a professional, but I swear when you do, for me personally, it was the best thing I ever did. To speak to someone with no feeling of being judged, honestly, I sincerely believed it saved me from spiralling into an abyss. Everyday is a challenge, but everyday is also an achievement.
    I admitted to my doctor about the anxiety, and did CBT. I just found it so hard to open up about even that one small part of my issues. It did help, at least for a while. But I barely admitted to the surface details.

    Problem is I get like this, where I know I need help, mostly after a few drinks. But when I get in the surgery I just chicken out and think I can cope. "Tomorrow I will stop drinking" etc.

    Hell was quite proud of myself this week, only had one small rum and coke each week night. But then Friday came and last night was a bottle of champagne and a quarter of a bottle of rum. 4am and I am sitting there listening to power ballads from the 80s, surfing the net, just depressed I am forty, divorced and can't focus on anything. Then I go to bed with a fucking CPAP on, thinking what woman would want me if she has to sleep next to someone with a fucking Darth Vader mask on. HAHA I think I repeated Whitesnake "Here I go again" about 10 times in a row.

    /Again sorry for spamming the thread and being full of self pity. Part of this is just me getting it out there, (semi) publicly so I can look back over the next few days and stop denying to try to force myself to actually speak to my doctor. I keep pushing this aside and I need to confront.
  • Jyzzy-Z 12 Jan 2019 16:52:54 3,725 posts
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    Another vote for see the doctor.

    Sorted me out a few years ago.

    You'll get through it
  • Jyzzy-Z 12 Jan 2019 16:52:55 3,725 posts
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    Post deleted
  • JamboWayOh 12 Jan 2019 16:53:06 10,723 posts
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    I don't think anyone expects you to just to be able to be comfortable with letting it all out, for some people it takes time. As strange as it sounds we humans take comfort in negative thoughts as a form of comfort because if we stay negative then we can't let anything scary or positive in to disrupt that comfort blanket.

    Also never think you're ranting man, release through any means is better than keeping it locked inside.
  • fontgeeksogood 12 Jan 2019 17:00:33 4,280 posts
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    One of the worst things you can do is beat yourself up with thoughts about how you *should* be happy.

    Acceptance is such an integral part of any change you want to make in your life
  • DrStrangelove 12 Jan 2019 18:18:45 13,405 posts
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    I think most people with depression can relate to that happy mask thing. The worst people can do is to tell you how happy you should be given your material wellbeing, that's just not how it works. And the worst you can do is to adopt that attitude, it will only make it worse to reproach yourself for not feeling the way you "should".

    You already know the answer, seek professional help. There's no shame in it, quite the contrary, it takes courage to seek help and face your problems. It takes no courage to "stay strong", that's just running away from yourself.

    Try to think of yourself in a year or so. Maybe you bit the bullet and sought help and things improved, or you stayed "strong" and wasted another year gaining nothing.
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