Depression Page 248

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  • Wavey 7 Aug 2019 14:25:07 868 posts
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    Thanks all for your replies. It was how many periods of absence that led to me being fired. They felt they had done all the can and given me enough support. Stupidly I kept going in thinking I was better, then having a day or two off. I should have had a large spell off in one go. Its done now and I am looking for the future.

    I've found an apprenticeship for IT support with my local council which sounds perfect. Minimum wage but i'm back with my parents so if i'm going to do something like this now is the time. Already on the application asking for reason for leaving. All I can do is explain and hope for an interview.
  • TechnoHippy 8 Aug 2019 08:58:48 15,302 posts
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    Good luck with your application!
  • Wavey 8 Aug 2019 14:46:41 868 posts
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    Thanks! I feel better applying for that job. I know that being dismissed and it stating it on references is going to be a hurdle. Even worse when they ask for information on an application! But I need to accept it and deal with it. Its going to be difficult but i'll get there I hope.

    Fingers crossed!
  • SnackPlissken 8 Aug 2019 15:50:27 1,107 posts
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    Did work tell you about this government led help? They come to your work/a place you want to meet at and can talk through the issues you're having. Just put the link below if anyone else didn't know about this.

    I think there's a big taboo about telling work you're having issues, but I've been pretty open about it. The below have certainly helped myself rather than going through my insurance and setting up CBT etc.

    https://able-futures.co.uk/

    Edited by SnackPlissken at 15:51:35 08-08-2019
  • Wavey 8 Aug 2019 17:09:35 868 posts
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    Ah that looks like a great service. No I didn't know about that but something to think about potentially in the future.
  • adamasunder12 8 Aug 2019 18:10:54 464 posts
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    IT and minimum wage? Does not compute.

    But good luck though mate
  • Wavey 8 Aug 2019 18:17:31 868 posts
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    @adamasunder12 Thanks. I know its not the best wage but i'm looking to try get into IT and I can't afford a course at the moment. This leads to a level 3 NVQ and hopefully the fact I have a degree may help or may hinder if they want someone younger who knows! All a bit new to me.
  • adamasunder12 8 Aug 2019 18:32:54 464 posts
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    Seems like a legit way of attaining your goals. Experience is more valuable than qualifications a lot of the time
  • azurelas_2 9 Aug 2019 17:55:18 1,854 posts
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    GuybrushFreepwood wrote:
    Hmm... I didn't think that it was possible to fire someone because they had to take t ime off due to a mental health issue. If you were open and honest with them about the issue (and I know that people tend to hide mental illness due to the associated stigma that still exists), then your employer has a duty of care and cannot simply fire you. If they did and - unless you were being agressive to other staff - then you could take them to a tribunal and sue them. Might be worth taking some legal advice on that with an aim to at least getting them to agree not to write "dismmissed".

    If a new company do ask, I think I would be inclined to be honest. I would say that I had two deaths in the family and family health issues and that both of these meant I needed to take time off to support them which lead to stress and you needing time off yourself. Say you thought and beleived they should have been more supportive but they weren't and you were let go. Try not to criticise your old employer too much if possible as that will ring bells with some.

    However, if you came for an interview with myself and said "my dad who I was really close to dies and then my mum shortly after and while I was dealing with this my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, all of which had an affect on my mental health and my work suffered as a consequence and I was unfortunatley let go". I would like to think I'd think your company were callous and that you've been through it. I'd also think that you've now been through that and come out the other side. Sadly death and serious illness are part of life and have a significant impact on people. Make sure you highlight your performance before your difficult last year.

    Bottom line, is that if you tell the above to a company and it makes them think "screw that, he sounds human, we're not hiring him", then you don't want to work for them. Don't forget that.
    This is exactly what happened to me. I told my employer about my situation (mother murdered, depression and the fact I'm on meds) and all that happened is that they decided since the actual trial hadn't began yet to let me go as to avoid the fact I'd need time off before and/or after. I haven't been taking the meds religiously and I can sometimes feel my grip on reality loosening. I do think honesty is the best policy, but sometimes people are assholes.
  • infoxicated 9 Aug 2019 18:33:17 1,509 posts
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    When I was signed off for a fortnight for "work related anxiety and depression" I had a back to work interview udner the guise of seeing if I was okay.

    What happened then is that they circled the wagons at work and then tried to come up with reasons to fire me for gross misconduct. This included trawling through my blog for the previous year to see if I'd ever mentioned working long hours, which I had. The company then tried to use that to suggest I'd brought the company into disrepute by doing so and it was reason enough to fire me before I could even get through the grievance > tribunal stages.

    In short, I'll never trust an HR department again or an employer who feigns a sudden interest in my wellbeing.

    This was ten years ago right now and it still makes my heart race with anxiety and frustration, reading what has happened to Wavey and azurelas. And this is before the country gleefully strips itself of protective legislation like the European Working Time Directive - something that was instrumental in saving my bacon back then.

    My heart goes out to you.
  • Cadence 9 Aug 2019 20:28:33 2,321 posts
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    @infoxicated Jesus Christ man that's bad. Can I ask where you worked if that's ok?
  • GuybrushFreepwood 9 Aug 2019 23:35:26 1,199 posts
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    @infoxicated that reminds me of a similar thing I went through.

    I was a contractor in a very stressful role. My boss had had a breakdown and was off sick and I found myself wandering around the city with no real recollection of the last couple of hours. My doctor signed me off for two weeks. I rang up work and told them, but said Iíd try to be back sooner. I was back in a week (which was too soon, but I was aware I was a contractor etc).

    Got into work and found my desk had someone else sat on it and all my projects were assigned to other people and I was told that they didnít t think I was coming back. They ended my contract at the next review.

    Like yourself it makes me feel anxious to think back to it even now and I had to ignore the stress and anxiety and get looking for another job so I could support my family. I feel anxiety still and never properly got over it but no way would I tell my current workplace. I just put on my work face and hide all the fear away until 5.

    Not ideal from a mental health perspective and Iím working on getting better in slow time. Things Iíve found helped most were mindfulness, exercise and a trans diagnostic course I did via the NHS (thankfully after work).

    Anyway, best of luck to you and everyone in this thread. Itís a hard knock life as some overly chirpy song says. :)
  • Wavey 10 Aug 2019 00:03:22 868 posts
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    I'm really sorry to hear that i'm not the only one who has had issues at work due to mental health. Its awful. I'm having good days and bad days. Its going to be difficult getting a job I think due to being fired but I just keep thinking about the future and working hard with my health.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 10 Aug 2019 00:33:05 1,199 posts
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    @Wavey Iíve been fired before. In my case it was a ďclear your desk youíre on gardening leaveĒ situation which came out of the blue. It was put down as ďdifferences in opinion as to what the role entailedĒ. I never got a reference from them.

    When people ask about that job I tell them that the place was bought out and the role changed and we agreed to part ways. Itís as close to the truth as Iíll go. Job was bloody awful and I donít miss it.

    As far as I know, that job on my cv has not stopped me getting a job since.
  • CrispyXUKTurbo 10 Aug 2019 01:00:42 1,984 posts
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    I got fired once as Iím not a punctual person. Guy was a not job - no reason you have to mention it in the employers favour
  • infoxicated 10 Aug 2019 01:05:26 1,509 posts
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    @Cadence Don't want to say as it's all water under the bridge now and the company eventually went bust. A life lesson if ever I had one, though.
  • drhickman1983 13 Aug 2019 09:50:57 5,994 posts
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    This is quite low level compared to most people's struggles but is it normal to lose interest in things that you used to enjoy?

    Like as a kid, into my teens and early twenties I used to draw a lot, be creative. But now I barely draw anything.

    Used to be really into films but apart from a few outliers here and there I can't be bothered; the thought of watching anything seems like a chore more than a joy. Same with TV shows.

    Whilst watching something I can enjoy it, but I very rarely get the "I can't wait for next episode" feeling. Instead it's more like "I suppose I'd better watch the next one"

    Or reading, I used to be quite a voracious reader, I'd get through an average size book in less than a week, these days it might be weeks between putting the book down and picking it back up.

    Or games. I feel very little for most games. Like I can see that it's good, but it rarely keeps me engaged. The only game I play regularly I play regularly is Warcraft, and that's mostly because it's so routine. Can't say I usually love it.

    It's not that I don't feel any enjoyment at all or anything like that, but I'd increasingly rare that anything really excites me. A few things here and there but on the whole it's all a bit grey.

    Is this just what getting older feels like?

    That's my overlong moan for the day. Resuming normal service now.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 13 Aug 2019 13:42:43 1,199 posts
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    One of the signs of depression is having little pleasure from things you used to enjoy. But people also change and with the stresses and worries of modern life as a grown up, itís hard to find time and energy for the pleasures of life and I feel guilty of I sit down and piss about on a game like I used to.

    So, yeah, youíre a miserable old git :)
  • shuffles 19 Aug 2019 07:24:15 274 posts
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    Hey everyone, I saw this thread a few months ago and periodically dip in and out of it from time to time as I see it.

    Iíve been suffering badly from mental health problems for over two years.

    In reality though itís probably been my whole life but certain events in my life triggered me to seek help which in turn opened up a whole can of beans.

    Two years ago, my marriage ended, I moved back home and I quit a very good job. Everything was too much. I couldnít breathe, I couldnít find peace. Everywhere I looked I saw noise. I just wanted to be left alone.

    My family and friends were very worried for me and they suggested I go speak to someone. I did and it was great. Weird at first but as the weeks went on I found myself talking about anything and everything - things I never even knew were in my head.

    Anyway, as I was living at home I did everything that was suggested to me. I felt like a massive burden on everyone so anytime someone had an idea for something to try or something to do - I did it. Talk to this type of person, go for a walk here. Do this. Do that.

    I did everything but in reality I didnít want to do anything. I was so tired. They couldnít see it but I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sit on the sofa and rest. But I couldnít do this. Everyone was watching me.

    I ended up applying for and getting a job that I actually hated. It was a strict office job and something that I would never have gone for previously. Needless to say I hated every second of the nine months I stayed there.

    Iím babbling here and not getting my thoughts across properly - apologies.

    Anyway, today I am living in Spain and love my job here. The sun is shining and I have a nice little apartment by the beach.

    I still talk to a psychotherapist every week on the phone (the one I used to see when I was at home).

    Everything is great. Everything should be great. But itís not. Itís terrible. I canít relax. I feel like Iím a complete burden again.

    Alcohol is my worst enemy. On three occasions now Iíve lashed out at family when drunk. Itís completely out of character. I never ushered a bad word most of my life to anyone. I used to be known as a person who always smiled. Always said yes. Itís horrible and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Itís almost as if itís a completely different person. Itís not me. Itís something else. I have no control and it does and says what it wants.

    And I know what Ďití is. I know itís depression. I hate saying that word. I want to run away from it but I canít. Itís me. Itís in me. Itís who I am.

    I hadnít really drank any alcohol over the summer - after a terrible experience back in May but on Saturday I decided to myself, screw it, Iíll do it. Maybe Iím fine. Maybe Iím better now.

    Everyone keeps telling me I need to go out and socialise. Why arenít I going out any meeting people?

    So I did. Myself and my girlfriend went to a beach bar and drank cocktails. Then I woke up. Apparently I rang my Mum and said goodbye.

    Jesus Christ.

    Now everyoneís worried about me again. Everyoneís ringing and I canít run away from it. I really want to just run away from it all. I just want to feel better. I thought I was doing great.

    What scares me the most is that I didnít feel like that during the day before we went drinking. Itís obviously something thats deep inside me. But I canít get it out because I donít know whatís in there.

    I know depression comes in waves and Iím scared itís coming back again. Another bout. Another round. Maybe it will last 2 days. Maybe 2 weeks. Maybe more. I donít want it.

    Sorry for the babbling. Iím just typing without structure here.

    Sometimes I feel that maybe I donít have depression. Maybe Iím just selfish and Iím looking for attention so then I just smile and nod at everyone and pretend everything is ok. But Iím screaming inside. I just want to run away. Far away from everyone and everything so I canít hurt anyone. I donít want to hurt anyone with my words.

    I explained to my psychotherapist that maybe itís possible Iím healing? Maybe all of this anger is just starting to come out now. It needs to come out. Itís coming out incorrectly but it does need to come out.

    I donít know.

    Itís so hard to explain to people. Itís not that Iím sad. It isnít a specific event that triggers it. I could be walking down the street and drop my keys on the ground and thatís the trigger. Something so menial and thatís what sets it off. Then it just starts to creep up all over me, wrapping itself around me. Youíre no good. Youíre a burden. Youíre better off gone.

    Sometimes I can shake it. Sometimes I canít. Sometimes I can tell it to piss off. Sometimes it finds a way in.

    Alcohol seems to be an open door. And in it comes skipping.

    Then thereís the numbness. No feeling. I can find enjoyment in things. Watching a movie, playing my Xbox. Going for a swim. Nothing.

    I lose all sense of feeling and empathy. Thereís just nothing.

    And then sometimes I think I deserve this. This is what you deserve for lashing out when you were drunk. This is what you get.

    Apologies. Iím battling this as I type.

    I donít know what to do. I donít know how to get rid of it.

    The irony I suppose is that Iíll never get rid of it. Itís in me. Itís part of who I am.

    It was suggested (after my drunken anger before the Summer) that I find an English speaking doctor here and look into getting medication. But I didnít. I said I would but I never did.

    Iím so scared of that. Medically I understand the concept. My serotonin levels are down and I need to give them a boost.

    But what scares me is that I felt great on Saturday morning. I felt fantastic and had no idea that later that evening I would be telling my Mum goodbye. Jesus. I canít stop thinking about how horrible that was and of how worried she must be.

    I feel awful. Sorry for the rant.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 19 Aug 2019 08:02:18 1,199 posts
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    Hi mate.

    I donít know you and Iíve no medical qualifications at all, so donít forget that.

    Alcohol is a depressant. I was addicted to it and I have helped alcohol addicts quit it in my role as a moderator on an addiction forum for some years. I quit drinking mostly because of the effect it had on my moods. So, if you are prone to depression, then drinking will certainly not help... as youíve seen. Look into it. Alcohol mimics seretonin and your brain gets used to expecting that hit.

    More importantly it sound like you need to get some professional help quickly as you have said you were suicidal. As a consequence Iím loathe to say anything else until you do as you need to speak to someone and get what help you need.

    I will say that I went through a few very difficult mental times in my life and have got through them more or less, so life can get better. I needed help but Iím a lot happier than back then. Iíve been curled on the floor in a ball with my thoughts screaming and Iíve been rocking in a corner. My parents have thought they would lose me.

    So, get help. Oh and stop thinking youíre a burden and that it is your fault. You are who you are and you have a limit as we all do. There are people who can help.

    Iíd advise you leave the alcohol alone until you get some help as it appears to not help you.
  • shuffles 19 Aug 2019 08:12:25 274 posts
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    @GuybrushFreepwood Cheers for the reply. Yep, absolutely Iím going to find a doctor here. I think I also need to start doing things for me again (something I started doing over the summer). I created a routine that involves going to the gym early in the morning, having a nice dinner in the evening, maybe go for a walk. Going out to dinner once a week and spending money on myself. I need to get back to that.

    If I press on with that routine and try and put Sat night behind me) I can stop it from creeping in.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 19 Aug 2019 08:17:52 1,199 posts
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    Was going to post myself in the anxiety thread, but as this is here, Iíll use it.

    Been off on holiday with the in-laws for a week and now that Iím back Iíve had a couple of near panic attacks. I know itís because of the stress of last week, but it surprised me that it hit me like that. I thought I was Ďbetterí.

    Mind you, Iíve let things slip. My diet on the holiday was not what Iíd have chosen and my diet has a really big impact on my mood and also Iíve been skipping mindfulness of late and exercise. Iím back on the fully gluten free diet (Iím not convinced the food on holiday was despite the signs as I got brain fog back) which is already helping. I can also sleep.

    I know Iíve been worried about this holiday so maybe it is my mind now letting it go. I also know that Iíve needed a break for too long and...stuff.

    Anyway, back to eating the right things(my family told me yesterday they have seen a significant difference in my mood since I went gf), meditation, exercise and maybe finally the violin. I can feel the panic underneath my veneer so will also be looking at the possibility of getting back on a refresher trans diagnostic course if available as that helped loads. Iím also wondering about kicking gaming into touch. Iíve noted (and seen the same in my kids) that Iím a bit of a grumpy bastard after a gaming session.

    Anyway, time to meditate and see where that goes.
  • GuybrushFreepwood 19 Aug 2019 08:25:42 1,199 posts
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    @shuffles yeah, doing things for you is important. I never used to do that and was always helping others. That left me with nothing for myself and my work life balance was way out. It is essential that you spend time doing things for you or you start to wonder whatís the point. I want to get back into the violin for that reason so that I donít feel all Iím doing is getting older.

    Do not try to do too much though as you will then be setting yourself up to fail. Aim to do things, but if you donít then donít berate yourself. Talking of which, I need to stfu and meditate:).
  • TechnoHippy 19 Aug 2019 09:27:45 15,302 posts
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    Alcohol is probably my biggest foe as well, a few pints I'm fine, but all too easily I'll drink more than I should and make stupid decisions. Weirdly it's during the week it's worse, at the weekends I can generally keep out of the pub.

    My advise is not to stress on it too much (I know, easier said than done) and try and tackle it in stages. However getting out a bit to widen your social circle isn't a bad thing in itself, but maybe try a different approach than a bar?

    And yes, perhaps I should listen to my own advice :-)

    Edited by TechnoHippy at 09:28:07 19-08-2019
  • GuybrushFreepwood 19 Aug 2019 10:39:02 1,199 posts
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    Talking of listening to own advice, Iím going to delete a lot of the apps from my phone including the internet as itís become a problem. Iím addicted to the bloody thing. So, I might not be around as much for a while.
  • DrStrangelove 22 Aug 2019 03:16:09 14,373 posts
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  • Wavey 22 Aug 2019 06:17:53 868 posts
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