Following Depression Page 252

  • fontgeeksogood 14 Nov 2019 09:59:51 9,452 posts
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    It does sound like you need to talk about it. I've got a very unhealthy (according to others) view on suicide. I think of it as a comforting parachute, an option which to some extent helps my mental state. There's a lot of history of it in my family.

    Yeah now I type it out it does seem unhealthy
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 10:02:06
    Heh. I feel the comfort blanket.

    If I knew of a painless way to do it without traumatising anyone that finds me I would have tried it by now.

    I don't know, seems a bit stupid saying that now. Suicide is stupid really.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 10:03:48
    My mate hung himself when his brother and nieces went to the shops so they had to find him.

    That was a proper dark way to go from someone that was angry at the world.

    I do not want to be that guy.

    Up to then his fb posts were getting darker and darker and I regret to this day that I didn't go round to see him. In truth I was scared.
  • drhickman1983 14 Nov 2019 10:07:51 6,609 posts
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    It's the trauma to others that made me propose the age at which I could try, as it meant that my nieces would be old enough (in my mind) to understand. I'm not that close to them so i still don't think it would be too bad them.

    Realistically I doubt I'd try anything whilst my dad is still around.

    Needless to say I have been looking into the "best" way to kill myself, looking at the success rates and how painful different methods would be.

    The more I type this down the more I think I have some issues.

    Edited by drhickman1983 at 10:08:42 14-11-2019
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 10:16:24
    Probably stop rationalising suicide?

    A lot of people would be really upset if you died and I certainly have no appetite for a 'forumites death thread'.

    Talk to people and rant in here. You're not alone.
  • OmegamanX 14 Nov 2019 10:39:17 3 posts
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    I've had anxiety all my life but my depression & suicidal thoughts started since my grandmother passed away.

    I tried to ignore it as something that would eventually go away but over the years it's effected my marriage and ended up with my wife divorcing me and it's effecting my jobs over the years .

    This year I've gone to alot of depression and anxiety groups and have started CBT therapy with my first appointment today .

    I've not been prescribed anything from my doctor as of yet and also bit hesitant to take any anti depressants as I've heard mixed things about them.

    Edited by OmegamanX at 10:39:44 14-11-2019
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 10:44:12
    @adamasunder12

    My uncle hung himself many years ago on New year's Day. My cousin's came downstairs and looked out of the kitchen window and could see him hanging in the garage :(
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:20:44
    Fuck. That's rough.

    I was going for a ramble with my girlfriend a couple of months ago and I brought up my gym instructor for some reason. Turns out she knows him and she told me his brother had been found in the woods hanged the day before.

    I've seen him around the gym but I've never had the courage to see if he's alright.

    Drhickman, have you considered exercise? I go to the gym 4 to 5 times a week and it's genuinely helped. The endorphins hit first then when I started to look better I got a lot more confidence. Plus I'm far less aggressive now as I know I'm strong enough to handle myself. I'm much mote likely to diffuse than escalate now which in turn reduces my anxiety. My aggression was born of my violent childhood and not feeling like I'm worth shit.

    Having said that this week has been hard to get motivated to do anything. At the gym now and just powering through because I know I'll feel better.

    Edited by adamasunder12 at 11:21:44 14-11-2019
  • AboutHalfaStevas 14 Nov 2019 11:31:30 2,765 posts
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    If anyone here is on mirtazapene, just a heads up for you: the long term side effects can be fucking nasty.

    I've had MRI, lumbar puncture, internal camera work etc, all to get to the bottom of some weird symptoms I was experiencing ("vibrating" head, nausea, day long dizziness), and all they found were some other shit going on which didn't explain them, and resulted in me being put on yet more meds. (Here's fun: being told in an email that there's "nothing to be overly concerned with" and then turning up to an appt to be told you've had a stroke.)

    Six months later, I decided to go to a private GP for a second (more like sixth) opinion (after several other medical professionals insisted this was all in my head, ie. anxiety), and she agreed that yes, most likely some of it was, but her feeling was that maybe some of this was a cumulative build up of some adverse reaction to long term mirtazapene use also. Note: I had tried to come of them a few months ago, but, to be honest, I was in extreme abdominal pain at the time, so any other symptoms were possibly ignored (also, they weren't anywhere near as severe); basically, I had a lot of other (brightly coloured - see below) shit going on.

    Of course, I was faced with a choice at this point: continue with the mirtazapene - despite it being prescribed to me for a sleep disorder, it is mainly anti-anxiety after all - and double down on addressing that, or drop the mirtazapene and seeing what happened next. Either I get better (it was mostly drug side effects), or I get worse (as it was all anxiety... And, erm, I just dropped my pill supposedly controlling that).

    So.... I got better. There's still something going on... probably anxiety given everything that's happened recently!
    Best one: I start shitting blood. Up until that point I've been repeatedly told it's all in my head, and my anxiety needs addressing. So I start shitting blood, something has to happen now, right? I mean, you go on NHS website, it'll tell you all these things your GP will do if you start shitting blood.... Oh, you sweet, summer child. No. No, they won't. Well, not if they clock you're on a pill for anxiety, that is (FOR FUCKING SLEEP, I WAS ONLY ON IT FOR FUCKING SLEEP - GNNNNNNNN).
    Anyway, I turn up armed for this emergency appt. Motherfucker isn't drilling down on my anxiety this time! MY SHIT IS PURPLE. I have photos. A motherfucking sample. TELL ME THAT RED SHIT IS IN MY HEAD, BRO - JUST TRY IT.
    Here's how fucked my head was at this point: I was actually happier than I had been for months. There's blood in my shit! MAYBE I'M NOT GOING MENTAL THEN, HUH.
    "Well, I have to say, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this."
    Waitwhat "You... You don't see the red in that?"
    "No."
    I show him the photos.
    "You don't see the red in this?"
    "No."
    He walks back to his desk.
    Now, I must admit, his delivery with this next bit was fucking impeccable; I'd suggest this dude would be a way more successful comedian than a doctor, if only to make sure he never got to be a doctor ever again.
    "Mind, I'm colour blind."
    The rest of the appt was a blur. I'm pretty sure that, yes, the cunt drilled down into my anxiety. FFS.

    I was halfway home before I realised I should have stopped the discussion and said "go out there, find me some cunt with working fucking eyes to LOOK AT MY SHIT".

    Anyway, I did it again, look. I meant to come in here warning anyone about mirtazapene - and I did that, look, up there!... All... the way... up there - but then all this happened.

    Anyway.

    Don't get me wrong, it's a great drug. But it's still that: a drug. A drug that's messing with your brain.

    Try to get off it.
  • drhickman1983 14 Nov 2019 11:31:57 6,609 posts
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    I am sorry to hear about others experiences :( I would want to minimize that trauma, but I guess it's inherently and unavoidably traumatic

    I guess I've been rationalising it on the low for a very time. Even now I genuinely don't think many people would really be that upset at my passing. I can imagine a lot of "that's a shame" and a bit of passing sadness, but I think most people will move on and all but forget about me within weeks.

    I used to go running but fell out of that when I moved further away from work (not my choice, landlord wanted to sell the house), so I've basically lost an hour per day, which is when I'd go running.

    That's making excuses, but getting up even earlier doesn't really appeal, and I only really enjoyed running first thing when it's quiet.

    Thanks for the advice though, I really do appreciate it.
  • challenge_hanukkah 14 Nov 2019 11:37:17 12,611 posts
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    AboutHalfaStevas wrote:
    If anyone here is on mirtazapene, just a heads up for you: the long term side effects can be fucking nasty.

    I've had MRI, lumbar puncture, internal camera work etc, all to get to the bottom of some weird symptoms I was experiencing ("vibrating" head, nausea, day long dizziness), and all they found were some other shit going on which didn't explain them, and resulted in me being put on yet more meds. (Here's fun: being told in an email that there's "nothing to be overly concerned with" and then turning up to an appt to be told you've had a stroke.)

    Six months later, I decided to go to a private GP for a second (more like sixth) opinion (after several other medical professionals insisted this was all in my head, ie. anxiety), and she agreed that yes, most likely some of it was, but her feeling was that maybe some of this was a cumulative build up of some adverse reaction to long term mirtazapene use also. Note: I had tried to come of them a few months ago, but, to be honest, I was in extreme abdominal pain at the time, so any other symptoms were possibly ignored (also, they weren't anywhere near as severe); basically, I had a lot of other (brightly coloured - see below) shit going on.

    Of course, I was faced with a choice at this point: continue with the mirtazapene - despite it being prescribed to me for a sleep disorder, it is mainly anti-anxiety after all - and double down on addressing that, or drop the mirtazapene and seeing what happened next. Either I get better (it was mostly drug side effects), or I get worse (as it was all anxiety... And, erm, I just dropped my pill supposedly controlling that).

    So.... I got better. There's still something going on... probably anxiety given everything that's happened recently!
    Best one: I start shitting blood. Up until that point I've been repeatedly told it's all in my head, and my anxiety needs addressing. So I start shitting blood, something has to happen now, right? I mean, you go on NHS website, it'll tell you all these things your GP will do if you start shitting blood.... Oh, you sweet, summer child. No. No, they won't. Well, not if they clock you're on a pill for anxiety, that is (FOR FUCKING SLEEP, I WAS ONLY ON IT FOR FUCKING SLEEP - GNNNNNNNN).
    Anyway, I turn up armed for this emergency appt. Motherfucker isn't drilling down on my anxiety this time! MY SHIT IS PURPLE. I have photos. A motherfucking sample. TELL ME THAT RED SHIT IS IN MY HEAD, BRO - JUST TRY IT.
    Here's how fucked my head was at this point: I was actually happier than I had been for months. There's blood in my shit! MAYBE I'M NOT GOING MENTAL THEN, HUH.
    "Well, I have to say, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this."
    Waitwhat "You... You don't see the red in that?"
    "No."
    I show him the photos.
    "You don't see the red in this?"
    "No."
    He walks back to his desk.
    Now, I must admit, his delivery with this next bit was fucking impeccable; I'd suggest this dude would be a way more successful comedian than a doctor, if only to make sure he never got to be a doctor ever again.
    "Mind, I'm colour blind."
    The rest of the appt was a blur. I'm pretty sure that, yes, the cunt drilled down into my anxiety. FFS.

    I was halfway home before I realised I should have stopped the discussion and said "go out there, find me some cunt with working fucking eyes to LOOK AT MY SHIT".

    Anyway, I did it again, look. I meant to come in here warning anyone about mirtazapene - and I did that, look, up there!... All... the way... up there - but then all this happened.

    Anyway.

    Don't get me wrong, it's a great drug. But it's still that: a drug. A drug that's messing with your brain.

    Try to get off it.
    Well that's a steaming pile of yikes.

    I'm still dealing with chronic bruxism that was triggered by taking citalopram despite discontinued use more than ten years ago.

    I went to my doctor telling them I'd never experienced symptoms until starting on that drug and was roundly dismissed and even told it'd alleviate the symptoms. Not fun.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:38:37
    @challenge_hanukkah


    What is chronic bruxism mate? Forgive my ignorance but I've not heard of it.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:41:31
    @drhickman1983

    No problem. However an active lifestyle is essential to combat mental illness so I hope you really consider it. Even if it's doing something you never thought of doing before.

    I hate running in general but I found that chasing a tiny ball on the squash court never got old. Mainly due to my competitive nature.

    And even if you don't think anyone would miss you, even in isolation society would miss you.

    You need to start trying to like yourself. Sounds trite (and hypocritical considering my own self loathing) but it's key to maintaining living.

    Additionally finding ways to unpack why you feel the way you do is important to healing and growth.

    Also, you have extra value as a sufferer by helping others in a similar position. This will give you a sense of value that just putting into the economy won't.

    A certain self involvement goes with mental anguish, if you can forget yourself or even see yourself in others it may help.

    I don't know you so I have no idea if what I'm positing has value. Plus writing all this selfishly gives me some perspective on where I am.

    I wish you well. Please don't kill yourself

    Edited by adamasunder12 at 11:43:04 14-11-2019
  • challenge_hanukkah 14 Nov 2019 11:44:08 12,611 posts
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    @Addy__

    I clench my teeth in my sleep.

    It leaves me with constant headaches, jaw pain, teeth pain, neck pain and back ache.

    It smells quite frankly.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:46:46
    Your Nioh game must be on point at least
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:46:54
    Sorry
  • AboutHalfaStevas 14 Nov 2019 11:47:35 2,765 posts
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    @challenge_hanukkah

    Yeah, exactly this.

    Basically, once you're on something for anxiety/depression, you're pretty much fucked, as it's a great catch all diagnosis for them.

    Also, NHS guidelines will fuck you over. I couldn't get an emergency appt for the camera work, as I was a year too young. I ended up paying to get it done private (and oh, by the way, you think that means it gets dealt with like, right now? No. Still a 3 week wait.)

    Also, Moviprep can fucking do one. I'd take 20 lumbar punctures over that shit.

    There's a sentence I didn't see me ever saying.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:50:06
    Mirtazapine fucked me over but nowhere near as bad.

    I'm on zopiclone now but I'm only allowed to take it every 2 to 3 days due to its addictive qualities.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 11:51:07
    Anxiety really needs to be seen as the next big problem after climate change. The generation after us are all fucked up. My sister is 19 and its crippling her.
  • drhickman1983 14 Nov 2019 12:37:06 6,609 posts
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    I think running is the only exercise I can manage. I'm not competetive and don't know any one I could play things like squash etc. against. Can't swim very well so that's out. Gym might be okay but I'm not keen on building mass so I'm more into cardio.

    I've been thinking about what I'd say if one of my friends told me they were having the kind of thoughts Ive been having, and I genuinely can't imagine what I'd say, which puts me off bringing it up in conversation. Would just be an awkward silence.

    Edited by drhickman1983 at 12:37:22 14-11-2019
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 13:35:39
    I think you should test your friendship. You might be surprised.

    And if you're not you really need better friends.

    I have long suffering friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin. They're even more invested now I am helping myself.

    Good luck. Keep running
  • MrAGSystems 14 Nov 2019 14:04:50 835 posts
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    @adamasunder12 Yeah anxiety is much like climate change a product of mankind, relentless capitalism, what it takes to survive, being bombarded by the media, etc.

    You're either a cog in the machine or you get run over by it. I'd say most people would go off grid if they could, but they can't. None of us want to live like this.
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 14:41:55
    Absolutely. It's systemic for sure. We solved so much but at the cost of our mental health.
  • wuntyate 14 Nov 2019 14:53:55 14,500 posts
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    @drhickman1983 having never had suicidal thoughts myself I can't empathise on that front. I have had my own set of issues in the past that id rather not go into, and I can be a bit up and down as a result. Anyway, what I wanted to post was that I think you should try and see if you can make a bit of time early for your running. I switched to mornings a couple of years back and yeah, takes a bit of adjustment but just yesterday I was running towards where the canal joins the firth, hardly anyone was out, the moon was bright and full hanging just above the mountains in the distance and it was beautiful. The morning running instills such peace in me that I'm not sure id be the same person without it. Give it a try, a few weeks, remind yourself that the world can be a calm and beautiful place and remind yourself it's a better place with you in it, and you there to experience it.

    The world is better with you in it. No one will get over the act of your suicide, despite what that part of your brain is telling you. It will leave a scar that will never heal, even for those you possibly just consider to be on your periphery.

    Edited by wuntyphyve at 14:55:22 14-11-2019
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 15:01:19
    So, we as the EG massive prescribe running.

    I can't emphasise enough how much exercise has helped me.

    And as for suicide: there is always something you want to see out, something - no matter how small - to look forward to. For me it's BOTW2! Now I'm involved with someone who has a young boy I'd really like to be a positive influence to him.

    Keep your chin up. And keep talking. Even if it's to a load of neckbeards on the internet.

    Edited by adamasunder12 at 15:04:58 14-11-2019
  • AboutHalfaStevas 14 Nov 2019 15:36:23 2,765 posts
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    Well I have been "there". To that place. The one you can't really describe to someone who hasn't.

    Here's how I deal with it, when I still visit (for what it's worth):

    Stand in front of a mirror, and think about all the cunts in this world. All the greedy, sociopath pieces of shit; seemingly out to not only win, but ensure everyone else loses.
    Look yourself in the eye. I know. That's the hard bit. But it's necessary.
    Then ask yourself this:
    Am I one of them?
    The answer is always no. Why do I know? Because they don't get depressed. They don't have to do this. They stand in front of a mirror and it's all they can do to stop themselves winking and finger-shooting themselves a big shit eating grin.

    Then ask yourself how many people you made laugh today. Or you helped at work. It doesn't matter what it was, just anything you did that positively influenced another's day. Even once. If you struggle to think of one, what about yesterday. Or the day before. This week. Month. Whatever. Whatever it takes. Because it's worth it. It's worth you hanging around because of that one time three months ago when you fell off a bus seat half asleep and made a kid laugh so much he had a coughing fit.

    Because you're not a cunt.

    I mean, you probably are a cunt, but in the same way I'm a cunt: I'll laugh at you falling off your bike, but I'd help you up afterwards (while failing to control a chuckle).
    And I'd probably bring it up for a few years. Okay, thirty years. Maybe include it in my best man speech at your wedding. Man, I swear you were crying like a child before you even hit the ground. Did I mention we WERE children, and I'd loosened your front wheel, then a bunch of us encouraged you to do a wheelie? That was so funny. I...

    Look, you're not a cunt. That's my point, dammit.
    Yes, I had one.

    And tomorrow, you're going to do just one thing. One thing that makes the world a brighter place for someone.

    Even if it is just falling over in a really dumb way.

    Edited by AboutHalfaStevas at 15:38:33 14-11-2019
  • Deleted user 14 November 2019 16:22:22
    challenge_hanukkah wrote:
    @Addy__

    I clench my teeth in my sleep.

    It leaves me with constant headaches, jaw pain, teeth pain, neck pain and back ache.

    It smells quite frankly.
    Sounds awful matey. Is there anything you can do for it?
  • challenge_hanukkah 14 Nov 2019 16:24:52 12,611 posts
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    Not really.

    Bite guards are the preferred treatment, but they did nothing but make it worse in my case.

    Wanking helps a little.
  • AboutHalfaStevas 14 Nov 2019 16:32:44 2,765 posts
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    Have you tried a sleep apnea mouth guard? Seems like something that may work.
  • challenge_hanukkah 14 Nov 2019 16:39:43 12,611 posts
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    Aren't they pretty much the same as ones you get from the dentist anyway?

    I've had two custom made ones, one hard one soft and all they did was make it significantly worse.
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