Following Depression Page 259

  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 17:34:38 10,071 posts
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    I'm trying to. Kids n stuff make it tricky. Although they're great and have taken it all surprisingly well.
  • fontgeeksogood 3 Feb 2020 17:47:10 9,690 posts
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    Best of luck goban. It sounds like you're both doing the right thing, if that isn't too trite
  • Derblington 3 Feb 2020 17:47:44 33,138 posts
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    As someone who tends to over-analyse break-ups, Iíd say that you donít need to make sense of it. Different perspectives in these situations can rarely be aligned, and even when they can be more understood they wonít change.

    Without knowing the details, donít worry about being hurt or confused for a while, just try to accept it. But do get yourself sorted in terms of living and being able to function solo ASAP. The quicker you create some space and personal comfort, to just be able to relax and think about any aspect of what comes next, the quicker youíll find the things that you need to adjust, however long that will take.

    Rough going though, good luck.
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 17:47:56 10,071 posts
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    Fuck knows right now, my life's fallen apart.
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 17:49:23 10,071 posts
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    My mum lives not to far away, which helps. 50 yrs old and going back to my mum's. Yay!
  • fontgeeksogood 3 Feb 2020 17:54:42 9,690 posts
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    Is your mum a selfish cunt? If not, sounds like a step up
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 18:14:59 10,071 posts
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    That's more like it! Fucking arsehole.
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 20:45:51 10,071 posts
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    @fontgeeksogood

    Just re-read your comment. Sorry I miss read it. Cheers. Your still an arsehole though ;)
  • fontgeeksogood 3 Feb 2020 20:48:35 9,690 posts
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    Hah, I misread yours as well. #teamgoban
  • Vortex808 3 Feb 2020 20:51:34 13,796 posts
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    Ah shit Goban. Sorry to read the last few posts from you.

    All the best, and hope things work out as well as they can. As an aside, you certainly seem to have been doing more than your fair share of being supportive as far as I can tell from your posts over the years!
  • Dougs 3 Feb 2020 20:58:15 94,063 posts
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    All the best Goban. Sounds like it's time to focus on No1. And the kids still of course....but primarily yourself. Doesn't sound like there's been enough of that in the last 10 years.
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 21:25:35 10,071 posts
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    There's been none of that, I've entirety focused my energy on supporting my family. To the point where I have not much else.
  • Deleted user 3 February 2020 21:51:46
    @Goban this will sound like bollocks, but when you've got a moment, read The Five Love Languages as it might help you realise why your wife doesn't see the things you're doing for her. Tldr version is each of us expresses & needs love in a different way and that might not be the same way as our partner. So if you're Doing things for them and they are a person who needs quality time, then they won't notice / appreciate the things you do.

    Five ways are:

    1 Doing things
    2. Saying nice things
    3. Giving nice things
    4. Spending quality time
    5. Physical touch

    You can tell what a person wants by looking at how they express affection.

    Anyway, might be nonsense, bit found it helped me understand why after killing myself for years with one woman she did similar. Turns out she was the physical touch type. My wife now likes quality time and saying nice things, so I try to remember that and don't knacker myself cleaning and doing stuff.

    Sorry it's happened to you. Hope you can talk it over, but if not, you're not the first to have gone through it. I did and it felt shit, bit I've since then has the happiest times of my life.

    I hope you come out the other end happy. Keep positive and just put one for in front of the other. As a fellow 50 year old, I know it's tough to start over, but not impossible.
  • Deleted user 3 February 2020 21:52:09
    Tldr. Some bollocks
  • Goban 3 Feb 2020 23:13:44 10,071 posts
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    Thanks, makes sence in our relationship, or lack of. I've always prioritised doing over saying. 'Actions speak loader than words' or so they say, apparently not.
  • thelzdking 3 Feb 2020 23:45:16 10,070 posts
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    It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but from the sounds of it you'll be better of without her.
  • Load_2.0 4 Feb 2020 00:17:58 31,617 posts
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    I'm also in the "it sucks but you maybe deserve better" camp. Sounds like you have put her first for a long time. Now you get to look after yourself! And the kids of course.

    Wishing you the best.
  • Goban 4 Feb 2020 05:05:00 10,071 posts
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    Thanks everyone.
  • Dougs 4 Feb 2020 05:58:07 94,063 posts
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    As the Pirate says, small steps. Once the dust settles and you've worked out a workable plan for the kids (don't get taken advantage of and let her have her cake etc), start by rediscovering what it is you like to do. Going to the cinema, walking, gaming, gym etc. Whatever. Just start the recovery by doing things for yourself.
  • fontgeeksogood 4 Feb 2020 06:48:51 9,690 posts
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    What Dougs is trying to say is get on Tinder stat
  • Dougs 4 Feb 2020 06:52:14 94,063 posts
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    Or wank more
  • Goban 4 Feb 2020 07:31:32 10,071 posts
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    All good advice, except for the tinder.
  • Goban 4 Feb 2020 10:53:32 10,071 posts
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    Struggling today. I'm trying to not lose the plot and I don't really want to fester on my own, so I'm at work. Not sure it's a great idea.
  • Deleted user 4 February 2020 11:24:21
    @Goban hang in there. You're at the very worst point now and things will (bar the odd blip) be on the way up from here.

    You're doing the right thing. Try and focus on the day job and compartmentalize the home stuff to a set time (say 6 to 7 pm) where you address it each day. But keep your head on the job while you're there. If need be, take some leave, but sitting on you're own can be difficult.

    There's a hell of a lot to consider, but take it one thing at a time in priority order.
  • Goban 4 Feb 2020 11:30:40 10,071 posts
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    Not really too sure how you unpick your life from someone else after 17 yrs. I've got an appointment to see a therapist/councillor in a couple of weeks. It's raising lots of deeply buried personal stuff, which is probably a good thing. Just need to work out a way of dealing with it without falling back into depression.
  • Derblington 4 Feb 2020 11:41:17 33,138 posts
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    You don't need to worry about the unpicking, it will happen as it needs to. Some things will be easy and some will be a bit more complicated but you don't need to make it all happen now.

    Therapist is good. Get some sleeping pills or something if anxiety starts to set in - your mind often races at night and you lose the sleep pattern, which then sets everything off as a result. Rest is really important and it's always the first thing to suffer.

    It's all gonna be a bit rough and you need to keep as healthy as possible or it'll all feel much worse. Go for a walk (or gym if that's a thing for you) in the evenings and just try to clear your head a bit, breathe, if it'll help.
  • Deleted user 4 February 2020 12:50:34
    Thread fix
  • Goban 4 Feb 2020 13:55:40 10,071 posts
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    Sound advice, appreciated.
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