I'm on the dole at the moment and I'm going absolutely stir crazy. I have several great opportunities but everything is immensely slowed down due to the corona crisis. And I totally hate being without a job.|
Add to that I've had a number of romantic hit/miss situations in the past years that bizarrely left me seriously longing for a relationship. By bizarrely I mean nothing came of it each time (it turned out they each had BFs already as mentioned earlier in this thread, so yeah) but despite the complications I'm left really hoping to find love again.
Which, as a long time single, is a very difficult and unusual feeling.
Put two and two together and I seriously feel like shit right now. But carry on.
Depression • Page 260
Not been on the boards for a while but frankly I just needed to vent some shit somewhere.
I'm basically spiralling (and I fucking hate that term, it inexplicably angers me, it's accurate but just that phrase... ) today and have smacked myself in the head and legs a good few times this morning, and for the first time ever I'm having very strong ideation about cutting myself.
Haven't done so yet and if I do I won't be doing it to kill myself. But frankly I hope to go to sleep and never wake up.
Only another few months of this shit before life... Well, live is never going back to normal, is it? The world is going to change and I can't see it for the better. I can't see a future I want to be part of.
I have no hopes or dreams, the best I can do is distract myself temporarily, but even that becomes harder. Was able to watch most a TV series over the last couple of days but had to switch it off in the final episode because I no longer felt any pleasure l enjoyment or escape, just a rising urge to break something.
And tomorrow I need to work from home and pretend everything is normal but frankly it's hard to care or focus, it's all so fucking meaningless .
I wish I had some fucking, I don't know, ketamine or codeine or something. I hate ket but at least I could disassociate.
A friend recently said you shouldn't wish your life away but that's honestly what I find myself wishing for right now.
monkman76 16,156 posts
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@drhickman1983 sorry to hear that. I canít help much but is there anyone you could connect with for a video chat? Weíre doing that pretty regularly and it does give you a bit of a lift. Might just offer a slightly different perspective or something.
I have a similar thing with sleep, it used to be my way of 'fast forwarding' through life. Unfortunately these days I can't sleep unless I drink a lot. The current situation isn't helping as being at home just makes me feel worse, with the one escape I had from work and home no longer available to me.
The current situation sucks, and I don't see anything, but to endure as best I can. I used to have hobbies and dreams.
Sorry, not much help, except to say that you're not alone, and at some stage it will end.
I do feel a *bit* better after ranting, but yeah basically my post above is what was running through my head on repeat for several hours.
Fuck it, I'm back. When I quit, I didn't envisage having to deal with a killer virus and likely unemployment on top of my anxiety disorder. I can't even get help now (tried emailing the local IAPT team twice) and heard nothing back. The media is one unending tide of misery and fear and I no longer have anyone to talk to about things as I'm stuck at home all day.
I've not slept properly since I was told to "look up the word Furlough" by my boss two weeks ago. Since then my boss has been doing more and more of my job like some desperate to please puppy and hasn't once asked how I'm doing. His man management sucks. I'm spending a lot of my day keeping my team going and dealing with their fears. My fuckwit boss hasn't a bloody clue.
I'm getting migraines almost constantly due to lack of sleep and the stress and working long hours because I'm terrified I'll be highlighted if I am not seen to be working stupid hours. Trying to do that on almost no sleep, migraines and trying to look after kids is not easy and I'm falling apart. My youngest just left me a note saying they love me, telling me it's going to be alright and thanking me for everything. I was on the edge of tears with it.
Earlier I was coming down the stairs and caught a lace and started falling. My first thought was relief and that it would all be over now. I go to sleep hoping I'll not wake, but I wake a couple of hours later, with me brain teetering on the precipice of some panic that it's created for itself. I feel such a bloody wimp.
Anyway. Best I shut the fuck up and continuing putting one foot in front of the other. I'm dreading tomorrow and whatever the day brings. But for now I've got to try and get on and support the family. I'm weighing less than I ever have already.
As for these tossers having barbecues and sun bathing or licking food, they are just making this all worse. Wankers.
Not in my best frame of mind. Really need to snap out of it. I need to support my family.
Globalmeltdown 808 posts
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Registered 11 years ago
I have had to deal with really bad depression for the last 10 years after trying twice to kill myself, Iíve just read the posts by drhickman and guybrush and all I can do is wish that you didnít feel this way, itís horrible I know, but please try and find something good in your life however small and focus on that. I send you both best wishes and hope more than anything you both find a way through this as best you can. Take care
fontgeeksogood 9,960 posts
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Holy shit, your relationship of your mood and your work is really unhealthy, Guy.
What do you do? Is your current employer the only one which does it? Why are you so worried about it, it sounds like a terrible job
Load_2.0 31,884 posts
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Registered 17 years ago
I do know a therapist who is very good.
It's not NHS funded but it sounds like a couple of you could really benefit from talking to a professional. There's a link below if it helps.
Struggling a bit for the past few days - so much so that I've spent some time on research. It seems insulin overdose isn't as peaceful a way out as I thought. The current situation means I don't have my regular escape valve and even work has become more problematic than usual. The fact that I'm posting this means I'm unlikely to do anything as with previous attempts I've never said anything beforehand and survived through sheer luck. Sometimes I think that maybe the god botherers are right, there is a Hell, but what they don't realise is that we're living in it.
Ah fuck it.
Well, yesterday corona got the better of me. Not that I have covid-19 but I did have to go to the hospital for cutting myself.
Living by myself + being on the dole + being an extrovert (hence having a serious yearning for social interaction) + lockdown drove me totally crazy. And I'm already carrying quite a bit of emotional luggage to begin with.
It's not even like I have an actual depression or I'm feeling down or whatever. It just got to me out of nowhere and was over two hours later, apparently people can literally become stir crazy from being cooped up.
RyanDS 13,275 posts
Seen 2 hours ago
Registered 12 years ago
Shir dude. Look after yourself. I empathise, my anxiety and depression are worst they have been in years, this cooped up living alone (well I have a housemate but he works night) is a killer for mental health.
@JoeBlade Sorry to hear that - and yes it can come out of nowhere sometimes. It's a hard time at the moment, but hang it there.
Look after yourself bud, send me a message on discord if shits got you down. I know unloading on others in the same way as helped me in the past. And no I don't mean that in a sexual way 😂
In a way it's nice to see there are people as fucked up as I am around here. Have had some fucking awful days recently and left the house unsure if I was going to be coming back recently as it all felt too much. No idea if I can get through it all to be honest but trying to take a day at a time.
JamboWayOh 19,980 posts
Seen 55 minutes ago
Registered 7 years ago
Don't think that way man, your family needs you and we miserable bastards also need you. And that's for anyone else having the same thoughts.
Jono62 25,346 posts
Seen 18 minutes ago
Registered 12 years ago
@Frogofdoom Hit me on Discord if you need a chat to vent shit. It might help.
I think I'm going to have to contact the doctors tomorrow to see about changing my medication. It used to keep things mostly in equilibrium, but I've spent the afternoon trying to decide between slashing my throat and wrists with a scalpel, or taking a massive dose of insulin (I'm not allowed sleeping tablets or prescription pain medication anymore). Knowing full well the damage either solution would do if I fail.
The problem is I know what it's like to change anti-depressants as weaning off the old ones just opens the abyss for a few weeks and I'm not sure i can handle that again.
Whine. Whine. Whine.
Be careful with that one. I've attempted to switch after a period of low moods and it very nearly pushed me over the edge. Granted your current mood is also a concern. If you want to unload grab me on discord mate.
@AddyB_ Yeah - I've been through it before, which is why I'm not looking forward to it. Maybe a dosage increase will do the job.
Ive doubled up on my sertraline before when i couldnt get to the docs quick enough. Not that im advising that, but if your mood is currently that low, well im not sure what to suggest. Stay positive mate, try and switch off tonight and reset tomorrow.
Doctor got back to me really quickly - they're upping my dosage and referring me to the crisis team. He also said I should go to hospital if I feel that bad again. Taken the day off work and now feel guilty about it and freaking out a little bit.
My anxiety and attendant depression have been up and down. Peaked on Friday/ Saturday when I was considering if my family would be better off without me in the world. Got through it by crying my eyes out watching Justice League (yeah I know, I'd heard it was bad (I actually liked it)) and then going on a nature trail with my family. Some time away from viruses and despair helped ground me again.
Recently my heart has started missing a beat every fourth beat when I'm laid down. That scared me and normally I'd have seen a doctor, but I'm not going to a&e at the moment. Seems it's something that happens with stress which figures when I'm facing such an uncertain time (as a lot of is are).
Anyway, feel better today. F/S were certainly "one foot in front of the other"days.
You should probably get your heart checked - better safe than sorry.
I'm going to, but not at the moment. I've checked with my father (40 years in the medical profession) and I'm fairly confident that it's stress (which is no laughing matter). I will get it looked at, but at the moment, as I'm one of the at risk people for this virus', I think I would be at greater risk in a&e.
My spO2 levels are fine and I can exercise fine (and heart rate is okay at all times aside from when lying down) and it seems this heart condition is in the family, so I'm happy to monitor until things get more normal. If it gets worse in any way then I will be getting myself in.
mrharvest 5,599 posts
Seen 1 month ago
Registered 17 years ago
I think this isolation will kill me.
I sympathise - experiencing a similar feeling myself. An increased dosage has helped a little bit - have you spoken with your doctor?
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