Following What's the best joke you've ever heard? Page 5

  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 13:14:28 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    To stamp out fires.
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 13:14:37 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    Why do elephants have flat feet?
    To stamp out burning ducks.
  • merovingian 19 Mar 2006 14:30:32 144 posts
    Registered 13 years ago
    What's more fun than throwing burning babies off a cliff?

    Catching them with a pitchfork.



    (you can insert 'chavs' or any other minority/class for maximum/minimum offence value, of course)
  • Bunda 19 Mar 2006 19:26:37 5,245 posts
    Seen 2 years ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    This entire Phallic Logo Awards thing had me cracking up constantly.
    :D
  • Toonster 19 Mar 2006 19:46:54 6,907 posts
    Seen 3 weeks ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    A man sees a woman in an olympic swimming pool. She swims 50 laps without tiring. Once she gets out, the man says, 'Wow, how'd you get so good at swimming?'



    She says, 'I was a self-delivery prostitute in Venice'
  • lost_soul 19 Mar 2006 19:48:59 9,369 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    From another joke thread:

    Khanivor wrote:
    Nicked from bash:

    So anyway, Heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop and the cop is like "do you know how fast you were going?"

    And he says "no, but i know exactly where i am!"
  • lost_soul 19 Mar 2006 19:56:45 9,369 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    Bunda wrote:
    This entire Phallic Logo Awards thing had me cracking up constantly.
    :D
    That is hilarious!

    /dies laughing
  • Bunda 19 Mar 2006 19:59:00 5,245 posts
    Seen 2 years ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    Rooney wrote:
    Bunda wrote:
    This entire Phallic Logo Awards thing had me cracking up constantly.
    :D


    you'll like this :)
    ;)
    That should be submitted!
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 19:59:40 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    You can see why she wanted to win.
  • Bunda 19 Mar 2006 20:18:41 5,245 posts
    Seen 2 years ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

    Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

    He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

    When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"


    --


    It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "
    She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

    "Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "
    Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln,
    1863."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
    As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.
    Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
    At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."

    Teacher said, "Who said that?"
    Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"
    Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."


    --


    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
    for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
    habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her
    eyes water and make her gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
    off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
    it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
    she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
    Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
    dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the
    bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard,
    liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
    sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
    pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied
    the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
    trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
    the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
    laughing, tears in her eyes!

    After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
    good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
    in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
    "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
    and I didn't listen to you."

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
    guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
    Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."



    :D
  • Syrette 19 Mar 2006 20:41:18 50,073 posts
    Seen 33 minutes ago
    Registered 16 years ago
    Sid Nice wrote:
    Graeme Souness, said "He's going to win trophies at Newcastle United." :(
    bahahahahahahahhaha

    Gold.
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 20:52:21 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    dsmx wrote:
    cubbymoore wrote:
    otto wrote:
    k.o.t.i wrote:
    A group of 4 Microsoft .NET programmers and a group of 4 Java programmers ....

    "Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
    This made me laugh.
    Trust you to laugh at the geekiest joke in the whole thread :)

    No the geekiest post was there are 10 kinds of people in the would those who understand binary and those who don't.

    You want geeky? Alright then:


    Sally walks up to Bob and greets him by asking "What's new?"
    Bob replies "E over h"
  • morriss 19 Mar 2006 21:38:29 71,293 posts
    Seen 4 weeks ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
    He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
    killed."
    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
    watching as the President sits, head in hands.
    Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


    Not the best, but I liked it.

    Edited by morriss at 21:39:36 19-03-2006
  • Bunda 19 Mar 2006 21:51:43 5,245 posts
    Seen 2 years ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    It's happened.
  • MrTomFTW Best Moderator, 2016 19 Mar 2006 22:07:42 47,495 posts
    Seen 10 minutes ago
    Registered 16 years ago
    terminalterror wrote:

    You want geeky? Alright then:


    Sally walks up to Bob and greets him by asking "What's new?"
    Bob replies "E over h"
    oooooh, someone's going to have to explain that one to me...

    Edited by DDevil at 22:08:07 19-03-2006
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 22:32:41 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    DDevil wrote:
    terminalterror wrote:

    You want geeky? Alright then:


    Sally walks up to Bob and greets him by asking "What's new?"
    Bob replies "E over h"
    oooooh, someone's going to have to explain that one to me...

    Since you asked:

    The formula describing the energy of a photon of light is

    E=h[nu]* or E=hf

    Where E is the energy, h is Plank's constant and nu (or f) is the frequency of the light.

    *I've written it phonetically because the forum doesn't like greek letters, but it comes just after mu. Nu is the greek equivilant of our N, but the lower case letter looks like a v.


    so Nu = E over h



    /that should kill off this thread good and proper :)

    Edited by terminalterror at 22:38:35 19-03-2006
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 22:37:36 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    Has anyone ever laughed at that? And if so you should maybe do a graph comparing how much they laughed with how many times they've gotten laid. I'm guessing it'll be an interesting result :)
  • christourlord 19 Mar 2006 22:38:45 2,674 posts
    Seen 1 week ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    cubbymoore wrote:
    Has anyone ever laughed at that? And if so you should maybe do a graph comparing how much they laughed with how many times they've gotten laid. I'm guessing it'll be an interesting result :)

    LOL!
  • jozz 19 Mar 2006 22:39:20 4,871 posts
    Seen 1 year ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    So Sally asks "what's new?" and Bob says "I'm going to make a casual and vague reference to the formula describing the energy of a photon of light".

    I'm not suprised I didn't get it :p
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 22:40:09 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    cubbymoore wrote:
    Has anyone ever laughed at that? And if so you should maybe do a graph comparing how much they laughed with how many times they've gotten laid. I'm guessing it'll be an interesting result :)

    It made me laugh, but only in a "Oh God, that is so geeky" sort of way. Still, I'm a physicist and we don't have very many jokes to call our own :(
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 22:43:21 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    jozz wrote:
    So Sally asks "what's new?" and Bob says "I'm going to make a casual and vague reference to the formula describing the energy of a photon of light".

    I'm not suprised I didn't get it :p

    Don't worry, I'd be suprised if any non physicists got it, and I'd also be surprised if many physicists got it out of context as a regular joke. They'd get it if you told them it was a physics joke though.

    I was just trying to outdo the pitifully ungeeky 'geekiest post of the thread' about binary. You don't have to be much of a geek to get that one :)
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 22:45:58 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
  • christourlord 19 Mar 2006 22:47:44 2,674 posts
    Seen 1 week ago
    Registered 14 years ago
    :|
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 22:47:50 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

    The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks about halfway down.

    Now, it's a well-known tradition in capital punishment that if the execution apparatus fails for any reason, this is interpreted as a sign from God, and the death sentence is commuted. Accordingly, the doctor walks away, still very much alive.

    The lawyer is next. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks in the exact same spot.
    Same rules apply...lawyer walks.

    The engineer is last. The executioner straps him down, as he hoists the blade aloft, the engineer twists his neck around, peers up at the blade, and says:

    "You know, I think I see your trouble there..."
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 22:49:08 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    Q: How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Sorry, that's a hardware question.
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 22:50:10 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.

    The poet was minding his own buisness, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain.

    The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

    The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irratibly asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me 5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU 5."

    The poet thought about this for a moment, but he deciced against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

    The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me 5. Them you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you 50!"

    Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

    The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a 5 note out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

    The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

    The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.

    After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a 50 note. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.

    "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"

    The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a 5 note into his hand.
  • terminalterror 19 Mar 2006 22:54:11 18,931 posts
    Seen 5 months ago
    Registered 17 years ago
    Another geeky joke, but this one require no knowledge of scientific formulae:


    A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a park bench. They see two people go inside a house across the street. A little while later, they see three people come out.

    The physicist says "Hmmm, an error in measurement."

    The biologist says "They have multiplied."

    And the mathematician says "If one more person goes in, the house will be empty again."

    Edited by terminalterror at 22:54:43 19-03-2006
  • cubbymoore 19 Mar 2006 22:59:00 36,709 posts
    Seen 3 months ago
    Registered 15 years ago
    Just got it. That took too long dammit, clearly not geeky enough me.
  • Abscido 19 Mar 2006 22:59:22 641 posts
    Seen 4 years ago
    Registered 16 years ago
    Q. What's the only thing worse than two pigs up a tree?


    A. The Apocalypse.


    Q. What do you get when you cross a screwdriver with a oddly-shaped cloud?


    A. True evil.
Log in or register to reply

Sometimes posts may contain links to online retail stores. If you click on one and make a purchase we may receive a small commission. For more information, go here.